Lately, the fight has been against myself. The battle that rages is a battle I have been fighting for years now, and I think there was a time when blogging had helped relieve some of the stress of this battle. So I am blogging about my battle once again.
It is a battle against depression. If you have ever watched cartoons, you might be familiar with a character that was often beneath a small raincloud that followed him everywhere he went. I seem to have one of those, and I have struggled for a long time trying to fight it off.
If you have ever had one of these clouds, then you already know that they are greatly misunderstood, especially by those who are perpetually followed by sunbeams and rainbows. They come and go as they please and you don't always know when one is on it's way, although sometimes you can smell it coming like rain on asphalt. There are things you can do to prevent the cloud or lessen it's effects, but you can't make it dissappear altogether, although the Lord knows you have tried, and prayed and cried many tears.
That little cloud came to me today and made the skies gray and dreary. Why? I have no idea. Maybe if I hired someone to therapize me I could find out. It could be that I didn't get much sleep last night, and I feel physically yucky today. It could be that the kids are home and they woke up running, playing, and loud, which I was not in the mood for this morning. It could just be that there is no reasonable explanation but that silly little cloud over my brain that makes me feel trapped inside myself for the day.
The depression is possibly something God has given me to keep me humble. I have thought about this for so long because I have prayed for God to take it away and He has not. Being depressed affects every aspect of a person's life, and I am thankful for the fact that this depression is not constantly on my doorstep, but when it does come, it hurts. It makes me crazy, or lazy, or both. I don't want to be around people, even my kids, sadly. It's almost like being in a bubble. Everything is going on around you but you're inside your own head trying to get out.
It may sound horrible, but when you live with it, you have to learn how to deal with it. I have learned how to wait for it to pass, because it always does. I have learned that it does not define who I am, but masks who I truly am. I am still learning to talk about things. It is so funny how someone who loves words as much as I do would have so much trouble talking. I am learning that God has a reason for everything in my life, including the clouds. I am learning to trust Him more, and lean on people less, although He has blessed me with some truly amazing people in my life.
I am not sure why I am blogging about my battle. Possibly, I am hoping it will help to talk about it. Or that others might understand me a little better. I am like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. I don't exactly like being Eeyore. I often hate it. But I don't know how to be any different-yet. I get jealous of people that seem to be so cheery all the time. People that seem to find the silver lining everywhere they go, in every cloud they see, if perchance they even see one amidst the sunshine and rainbows.
Lately, I am just battling. Getting up and doing basic things that need to be done every day. Waiting for it to pass. Praying for God to take it away.
I am okay. I have dealt with this for a long time and it is just life for me and for my family. And like I said, you have to learn how to deal with it.
So we are dealing and it's okay, and God is good, and the sun still comes up every day and the seasons change and the world spins and life goes on. :) That's what keeps me going. Knowing God is in control, and being surrounded by so many wonderful people-especially my husband and children helps...just a little.
So now, I'm going to go to bed and we'll see what a new day holds for me and the kids. Tomorrow is always another chance at the day.
