Is it wrong to embrace the real you? The you that maybe some people don't like, but that you can spend your whole life trying to change and be miserable because of it? I am not talking about stealing, murdering, lying, cheating, abusing, hating, or anything sinful. Obviously those are things that imperfect people struggle with, that need to change, and those people need help to change those things.
For me, it's embracing something in me that I have struggled with for years. Something that I think I thought would go away someday, but now I think not. Today, I am sad. There is no particular reason for it, and maybe many reasons for it. Whatever the reason, it is what it is. I'm just sad today.
I have alot of days like that. Days that hold me back, and days that I have no way of explaining. But they happen to me and in me and all around me. Writing helps. Being understood helps. But nothing takes away the guilt of feeling that I am not doing something right. The guilt of thinking, "If only I would ____________". Fill in the blank with something that would heal my sadness-something I can do to make it all go away.
The truth is, I have the desire just to accept it for what it is, and work around it. I am not miserable doing that. On the contrary, I am miserable when I try to be anything other than what I am. I am what my friends call, an Eyeore. One of my friends even gave me a stuffed Eyeore doll and I absolutely love that because it means I am understood by someone out there!
Can Tigger be anything other than a Tigger. He can be just as annoying as an Eyeore only in a different way. Can an Eyeore be healed of his Eyeoreness. Can Rabbit be cured of his Rabbitness.
The point is, that I definitely have a very melancholy personality, sometimes much more than I wish to bear. I have thought for years now that I have clinical depression and I do take medication for that on a regular bases which helps extremely. I also feel like I have displayed symptoms of ADD for many years now but never wanted to admit to myself that I actually have a problem.
Knowing these things about myself has not made me a Tigger. Doing things to combat sadness, and knowing my limitations has helped , but still, the sadness comes, unexpectedly at times, knowingly at others. I cannot always explain to anyone why I feel the way I feel, but I cannot deny those feelings either.
The guilt comes when the reasons for the feelings are unidentifiable, because there is no solution. There is no fixing of the sadness, only stuggling through it, waiting for it to pass, sometimes hours, sometimes days, living life around the feelings you wish you never had. Wondering if there will be a day that you don't struggle with sadness ever again.
I don't think people understand it, and they may even get frustrated with us Eyeores because we are sad most of the time. But, I get frustrated with people who think that if you are not always smiling, then you are not right with God. That may be where some of my guilt comes from. Guilt for not feeling like cheering when asked or expected to.
The point of this whole post is simply accepting what I am. I'm human, and I am far from perfect, and one of my human problems is sadness, as much as I wish I could be Tigger. I wish I could wake up every morning and be cheery and encouraging-sometimes I am. But for the most part, I am lucky if I can get myself up at all.
I believe accepting what we cannot change, and changing what we can is the key. Sometimes others think that a person can change what that person really cannot. We place expectations on what "normal" is. When a person cannot live up to another person's "normal", that can be very painful and debilitating.
God does not place those expectations on us. He gives us grace, that we would not need if we could change the things we cannot change. God loves us. God works in us, and not the way we necessarily think He should. I have come to realize that I am where I am and who I am because of God. He made me with the personality that I have and for a reason. I have spent years of my life feeling guilty for my sadness. I now understand that embracing my humanity makes life more free, more liveable for me than it is when I am trying to change what I cannot.
I know that God is going to make all things new someday. I know that He is going to correct my weaknesses and flaws, imperfections. I simply cannot change my Eyeore tendencies into Tigger ones, and that gives me more joy and hope than I have ever had trying to change myself and feeling guilty for not being able to.
So underneath the unexplained emotions, there is a whole layer of joy that covers me and keeps me through those times I cannot walk, or breathe. The days I wish I could sleep all day, I cling to that hope of one day being free from the bondage of corruption and being delivered into the glorious liberty of the sons of God! I can walk and breathe in the spirit of God even though my flesh is weak, and tired, and sad. That makes me smile!
