My Life Savings

The Plight of Eyeyore

2011-04-27T12:13:00.000-06:00

Is it wrong to embrace the real you? The you that maybe some people don't like, but that you can spend your whole life trying to change and be miserable because of it? I am not talking about stealing, murdering, lying, cheating, abusing, hating, or anything sinful. Obviously those are things that imperfect people struggle with, that need to change, and those people need help to change those things.

For me, it's embracing something in me that I have struggled with for years. Something that I think I thought would go away someday, but now I think not. Today, I am sad. There is no particular reason for it, and maybe many reasons for it. Whatever the reason, it is what it is. I'm just sad today.

I have alot of days like that. Days that hold me back, and days that I have no way of explaining. But they happen to me and in me and all around me. Writing helps. Being understood helps. But nothing takes away the guilt of feeling that I am not doing something right. The guilt of thinking, "If only I would ____________". Fill in the blank with something that would heal my sadness-something I can do to make it all go away.

The truth is, I have the desire just to accept it for what it is, and work around it. I am not miserable doing that. On the contrary, I am miserable when I try to be anything other than what I am. I am what my friends call, an Eyeore. One of my friends even gave me a stuffed Eyeore doll and I absolutely love that because it means I am understood by someone out there!

Can Tigger be anything other than a Tigger. He can be just as annoying as an Eyeore only in a different way. Can an Eyeore be healed of his Eyeoreness. Can Rabbit be cured of his Rabbitness.

The point is, that I definitely have a very melancholy personality, sometimes much more than I wish to bear. I have thought for years now that I have clinical depression and I do take medication for that on a regular bases which helps extremely. I also feel like I have displayed symptoms of ADD for many years now but never wanted to admit to myself that I actually have a problem.

Knowing these things about myself has not made me a Tigger. Doing things to combat sadness, and knowing my limitations has helped , but still, the sadness comes, unexpectedly at times, knowingly at others. I cannot always explain to anyone why I feel the way I feel, but I cannot deny those feelings either.

The guilt comes when the reasons for the feelings are unidentifiable, because there is no solution. There is no fixing of the sadness, only stuggling through it, waiting for it to pass, sometimes hours, sometimes days, living life around the feelings you wish you never had. Wondering if there will be a day that you don't struggle with sadness ever again.

I don't think people understand it, and they may even get frustrated with us Eyeores because we are sad most of the time. But, I get frustrated with people who think that if you are not always smiling, then you are not right with God. That may be where some of my guilt comes from. Guilt for not feeling like cheering when asked or expected to.

The point of this whole post is simply accepting what I am. I'm human, and I am far from perfect, and one of my human problems is sadness, as much as I wish I could be Tigger. I wish I could wake up every morning and be cheery and encouraging-sometimes I am. But for the most part, I am lucky if I can get myself up at all.

I believe accepting what we cannot change, and changing what we can is the key. Sometimes others think that a person can change what that person really cannot. We place expectations on what "normal" is. When a person cannot live up to another person's "normal", that can be very painful and debilitating.

God does not place those expectations on us. He gives us grace, that we would not need if we could change the things we cannot change. God loves us. God works in us, and not the way we necessarily think He should. I have come to realize that I am where I am and who I am because of God. He made me with the personality that I have and for a reason. I have spent years of my life feeling guilty for my sadness. I now understand that embracing my humanity makes life more free, more liveable for me than it is when I am trying to change what I cannot.

I know that God is going to make all things new someday. I know that He is going to correct my weaknesses and flaws, imperfections. I simply cannot change my Eyeore tendencies into Tigger ones, and that gives me more joy and hope than I have ever had trying to change myself and feeling guilty for not being able to.

So underneath the unexplained emotions, there is a whole layer of joy that covers me and keeps me through those times I cannot walk, or breathe. The days I wish I could sleep all day, I cling to that hope of one day being free from the bondage of corruption and being delivered into the glorious liberty of the sons of God! I can walk and breathe in the spirit of God even though my flesh is weak, and tired, and sad. That makes me smile!

Thoughts Of Disaster

2011-03-14T10:13:00.000-06:00

My heart goes out to the people of Japan today. Ever since the other morning when I first heard about the events happening on the Island of Japan, I have felt sorrow for all that the people of Japan must endure in the coming days, weeks, months and years of recovery. This magnitude of tragedy and loss I have never seen in my own little sphere nor do I wish to. And neither did they wish to go through this. But now, they are, and I can't even imagine the loss. Many people have lost loved ones and friends. Whole towns have been swept away. Even now there are very real threats that continue as they struggle to prevent another disaster of nuclear proportions.

There are no words of comfort that I can offer, I just pray for safety for those who have survived and recovery for the country of Japan. May God be with them.

Spring is coming...

2011-03-08T10:44:00.000-06:00

I cannot wait for spring to get here, and I know for sure that I am not the only one!! I can't wait to get out and pull weeds, clean away the leftover fall debris and begin preparing the soil for my vegetables. I am going to try this gardening thing again and pray like I've never prayed before that I can have a green thumb this year. I am extremely excited about eating my own, homegrown lettuce and broccoli. I am excited about finding perfect oblong, green cucumbers and ripe, red tomatoes growing out of their blossoms, and gently pulling them from the vine to my delight.

rrrrrRRRRRRRRRR...Whoa whoa whoa, wait a minute here, lady. Just back up the truck a little bit. Get your head out of the clouds. This has never ever happened in your life! Not really. I mean I "helped" grow a garden once, but it wasn't all mine and I just followed instructions, basically.

Okay, so this is the first real garden that my hands are going to dig into. It's my first real garden, well, I am hoping that it becomes that. And I so badly want to prove to the world that it is possible for Beth Molander to grow something that actually produces edible products.

So, I am venturing into to the land of dirt and worms, and I am hoping that they like me just the way I am. Just call me the Dirt Whisperer. And some weeks from now I can whisper my way to a beautiful garden of splendor. Um...Yes, I can do this. Oh, Lord, please let the dirt like me this year!

Lazarus Was a Bum

2011-03-04T12:48:00.000-06:00

In some sense of the word "bum", Lazarus was one. He had nobody, no stuff and no place for him. He lived in the streets where dogs were his friends and he ate leftovers from the nearby rich guy's table. Even though I don't know the situations that brought the man to rags in the gutter, in todays world, a man in his state would be considered just another bum down on his luck. Then he died-a bum.

You might know this story already. Rich guy goes to Hell, poor bum goes to heaven. Pretty cut and dry I suppose, but sometimes I think we just gloss over the fact that this sick, lonely, humbled man was the saint, and the guy with everything he needed and wanted was the sinner. Okay, I know that Lazarus was a sinner too, but something, someone saved him and left the rich guy behind. Why?

That is a question alot of people don't like to ask or answer. It's sticky, messy and can stir up a hornets nest. But using some things that God actually talks about in his own words and through other people, the hornets can be quieted.

First of all, I always hear that there is nothing wrong with having money. I am not sure where I stand on the issue of riches completely. See, God told a rich guy to go sell everything he had and give the money to the poor to get salvation. God said it was easier for rich people to pass through a needle's eye than to enter the kingdom of heaven. God took the bum to Heaven and sent the rich guy to Hell. What does that say to me?

Well, it says to me, "Maybe being rich isn't following God." But does it mean I have to be a bum in the street to follow God? I don't think so. I had a revelation today, after many weeks of torturous thoughts about the fact that we barely get by. We don't have alot of extras in my house, and sometimes we don't get all that we think we might need. But I had to pull back my layers and wrap my brain around the facts. What do I need to live in this world? Food, shelter, warmth and love. I have every one of those things.

The problem is there are so many things I REALLY want. My sister recently bought an Android phone and I was slightly jealous because that is something I really want. I am sitting at the library on the internet because we don't have it in the house and that is something I really want. I want to move to a nicer, bigger house and have a beautiful garden full of flowers and vegetables. I want a new car of my very own that stays clean all the time. Those are the things that I REALLY want. Or at least I did.

Today I am different. Today I am wondering what I am supposed to be doing-actually I have been wondering that for a long time-the last 18 months. My lovely friend told me I just need to be the best wife and mom I can be. That is something I do want to be for sure. But I have applied for a full-time job doing something I think I would absolutely love doing and would make good money doing. Visions of sugarplums danced in my head when I saw the ad in the stateline news.

More money, a new car, the internet at home, more food to choose from, more eating out, more fun, more stuff, more, more, more. I also thought about what I could give away and save, but that was probably an afterthought to my more's.

I am starting to think that I am better off having less money. Then I would have more of other things one of which is humility. How can I be like Christ when I have alot of money. He didn't have more than he needed and neither did his followers. Nowadays we think we need everything there is to offer in the world and if we don't get it then we are deprived.

My proclomation to the blogosphere is this, "WE ARE NOT DEPRIVED". I think Lazarus was deprived. He suffered. He had no food, shelter, warmth and love. He was lucky the rich guy was kind enough to give hims scraps and the dogs were there to lick his wounds. He never attained any of the neccessities of life after his stint in the gutter, but rather died there, all alone and destitute. Then the angels came and carried him to Heaven.

I sure don't want to be the rich guy, but not to avoid Hell. That has nothing to do with it for me, and if it did then I would be just like the rich man in my heart. No, I want to follow Jesus. Riches just get in the way of that, and following Jesus means giving up your wants, and trusting Him for your needs. Following Jesus means that all things truly are free for the taking but not necessary for me to take. Following Jesus means letting go of all the stuff that clutters up your little sphere of life and grabbing hold of the simplicity that is in Him.

I can tell you, that His basics ARE our necessities, and that spiritaul wealth abounds in the gutter. Humility abounds on skid row. The ability to "condescend to men of low estate" comes easier when you don't have far to descend. When you have nothing you want, that is one thing. But really, I think that you have to get to the point where there is nothing that you want.

This is where I want to live and I believe Paul called it contentment. Wherever you are at be content to stay there, and if God moves you, be content to go there.

If you are rich, I bet there are some things you could change in your life, but I don't know. I am nobody's judge. I am not rich and never have been, so I cannot counsel the rich, and would never even consider doing so. But for those of us who want more and can't have it, would it be so bad to stop wanting? Would it be so bad to just be content, even if we are bums on skid row? I know it wouldn't be easy, but not much worthy of glory or praise in God's world is easy to do in this one.

So You Think You Know Someone

2011-03-01T13:47:00.004-06:00

I am 36. I have 4 children. I don't work outside the home. I am married to an assistant pastor.

That is who I am. But it isn't all of me. You probably wouldn't want to know all of me. As a matter of fact, there are few people who truly know what is rolled up into the package of me and still love me.

To be honest, how many of us want to know all of someone? I mean the deep heart issues that belong to a person and make them who they are.

People who know me and want to know me make me smile and laugh and cry and enjoy life. We click, mesh, walk together through the mire and mud of every day and understand that sometimes there won't be hearts and roses. Sometimes there are briers and thorns that hurt, and hurt bad.

I know that it is not even remotely possible to know very many people in this manner. The very thought of knowing too many people intimately fries my brain. I couldn't give all af me to everyone and take all of everyone else. To begin with no one has that kind of time or energy, but I don't believe that is what God asks us to do at all.

I do believe that God asks us to have that kind of spirit! The spirit that could know anyone intimately and still love them. His Son had it and we are suppose to emulate who He was. I really think that is what unconditional love is all about.

Are you too good for someone. I have been too good for people before. I think I still find myself at times stumbling into that net and batting my way out after I come to my senses.

Has anyone ever decided to share something with you that made you gasp and feel the urge to get them some counseling if they would let you? Oh, I sure can remember times when I made that mistake.

I have also decided on many occasions not to share my questions, concerns or problems with even people who love me dearly because of what may happen when I do.

My question is, should we as Christians approach everyone we ever come in contact with, with the idea that they are to be loved unconditionally, accepted without accusation, and befriended in honesty?

Do we approach everyone this way? How in the world is that even possible, if it is even possible?

People are people. But sometimes we don't expect people to be people. We expect them to be god-like or saintly, maybe even angelic as they live their daily lives. We think that they are perfect. And we find it hard to love them any other way than what we see them as.

Sometimes we expect them to be horrible, awful rotten sinners. And we love them in word but maybe not in deed. We do our charity work for the month for their sake, and then we can dust our hands off after we are done with that mess.

The way I see it, we are all trying to find our way in this world and some people have it easier than others, and some people have it harder. We are all just here together. How are we supposed to deal with each other?

I have come to the realization that I am just this vessel that God made, and so are you, and so are they. It isn't my job to fix everyone's cracks and if I try to do that, I will never truly know anyone intimately.

I am commanded to love, have joy, be peaceful, be patient, be gentle, be good, be humble, be self-controlled. I am reminded to be tender-hearted, forgiving and kind. I am taught to bear the burdens of others and not to judge the decisions that others make. If perchance, I desire to admonish someone, than what better way to be in a position to do that than to be an intimate friend of theirs. In Christ, we are supposed to be brothers and sisters, and I can tell you something you already know: Brothers and sisters know each other very intimately.

I have no idea where to end. I barely knew how to begin. I just know that I want to be loved and understood as much as the next guy, and the next guy wants that too. It's what we need and what usually ends up curing a lost and forlorn soul-the spirit of unconditional love. As the children of God, that should be what we are to others.

Lalalalalalala....

2011-02-17T10:43:00.004-06:00

I feel a blog or two coming on. I want to blog so bad!! I just don't have the internet at home right now! I have so many things in my heart, in my mind. So many things I want to say, so little time at the library. I cannot spend my life at the library you know. I have been wanting to write and I plan to do more of it but I don't know when or how often. So I will see you then. I hope that I can bring words to this blog that will comfort and encourage, words that will lift up and give peace. I pray for that. This is not a therapy for me any more. This is a voice and I feel I should use it for something good. I am going to try. Until then... tata.

Christmas Afterthoughts

2010-12-28T12:42:00.002-06:00

Today, on my way home, I had the pleasure of seeing frosted trees stuck in the snow like candles in a birthday cake. From the warmth of my car, as I listened to inspiring songs on my radio, the sun gently nudged flakes of old snow down from those trees onto my windshield. I took my time driving through the countryside, admiring the beauty of winter around me, and smiling at the fact that I could do such a thing from a cozy warm place.

Lately, my mind has been wrapped around suffering. Or, rather the idea of it. People who suffer. What makes them smile, if anything. A cold cup of fresh, clean water? A bowl of mushy food? A warm blanket in the dead of winter? A dollar bill from the hand of a stranger? I think about it, and my heart hurts.

Not for me, but for people. So many people in the world today are suffering. I mean the real kind, when you're so hungry your belly swells, or you're so cold you lose feeling in your fingers. Some people are so sick they fight for each breath. Some people are so beaten down that they think they are worthless creatures.

It's all talk, I know, but my heart still hurts. So much so, that I have asked myself lately what in the world could someone like me do to help, if anything. I have my own problems in my own little world that need my attention. But is there something I could do?

The only thing I have is me, and some time. I have words but they are not worth much to most people. I hope that this year, God would give me something important to do alongside the importance of mothering, homemaking, and helping other people out once in a while. I hope that other people get the same opportunity and jump in. Who knows what could happen if we give up some of life's pleasures to soothe other's suffering.

Amidst the work of comforting the sufferer, I know there is joy. Pleasure that far surpasses a countryside full of snow and frosted trees. God's love can reach the deepest recesses of human pain and agony when someone touches that suffering with simple things. Simple things that so many of us often forget we need because we have them so freely.

I have no more words, only thoughts. Thoughts towards the sufferers of the world. And thanksgiving for frosted trees stuck in snow like candles in cake.

I the words of a famous friend, "Shoot Me Please!".

2010-09-15T08:48:00.002-06:00

I am not a self-motivator. I come up with all these grand schemes that never come to fruition because I lack the ambition to carry them through. The excitement that comes from thinking up the idea is never enough to employ it. Once I think it all out and organze it on paper, I fizzle out and move on to the next big idea. I am an idea person. That's not a bad thing, it's just not a good thing without the other side of the coin-the motivator.

When I homeschooled, I used to sit in bed a month before the school year was to start and write all my wonderful, amazing ideas for the year down in my handy notebook, where most of them would stay and be forgotten. I would find them halfway through the school year and think, "Boy, that sure would have been a cool thing to do." and then put the notebook away to be found next year when I would add my latest inventive notions.

My most recent thoughtful endeavor was a plan for business. You know, the kind that makes money(Which, by the way, I am not very good at unless it's on paper. Then, it looks quite profitable). I bet you are just dying to hear the big idea, or not. Either way I guess I can say it. Maybe. No, I better not. I still might put some energy into that one. Maybe.

The point is, I am not a self-motivated person. I am usually motivated by others, necessity, anger or guilt. And maybe most people are the same as I, who knows. I just know that I want more in life, but have not the motivation behind it, yet.

I would like to make money, but doing something I am interested in doing. I understand that probably most people in the world aren't that fortunate. They do what they have to do to take care of their families. But I have that luxury for the time being. I don't absolutely have to work, but I want to help out my family financially, somehow. I don't want a desk job and I don't want to flip burgers. So what else is there for someone like me? Child-care? Pet sitting? Window washing? Student(this one I am not too thrilled about, but it may be necessary.)? I really have not had that "aha" moment when I see it all clear as day. Then again maybe most people don't. They just do what they have to do. But you know, I am not most people, and I really want my "aha" moment because then I, the unmotivated, would know what to do.

It would be easy to think that I am just stalling. I mean, after all, it's a scary world out there and I'm a bit shy about working again. I never really had a great job that I loved, or made much money doing. But when I think about all the things a parent of four has to do that involves some sort of payment obligation, I cringe and think, "something's gotta give." And that something, I suppose, is me.

I am all for working, mind you. It's all the stuff you have to do to get to that point that makes me want to run, screaming and flailing my arms. I am terrified, never mind motivated. Does anybody have a rich uncle who needs a gardener or a window washer?

I feel like I did in the 9th grade, just before I had to give my very first speech ever. It was pretty bad, but I was motivated to get up there by my teacher and my report card. What's it going to take for me to just jump in and try this time around? Your guess is as good as mine, but it will come, eventually. Thanks for putting up with me until that eventful day, far off on the distant horizon. Can I make this thing go any slower? Please?

I think, until that day, I always have my notebook full of ideas to keep me company. (Somebody please save me from myself!)

Gone...

2010-09-09T10:21:00.000-06:00

It's official. I have completely dropped of off of the face of the planet.

On Blogging...

2010-06-17T12:28:00.003-06:00

I am going to humor some and try to write a post. To be honest, there are a thousand things that I could most likely write about, however I either lack interest in the subject or I fear it would simply be too deep a subject to limit to the size of a blog.

No really, I think I am a mess in my head. It's just one big pile of blah, and even though I am trying to eek out a post I do not think I am succeeding at saying anything worthy of the written word.

I have stayed away from writing for a long time now. I used to have so much more to say when I was lamenting about a dozen or more things in my life, but I have been trying not to complain or dwell on negative things. Hence, I do not have much to write about seeing that I have drawn upon those emotions of discontent so many times in the past and no longer wish to draw on them.

I have never been one to enjoy writing about the daily tasks of life like doing laundry or cooking dinner, which some have notably succeeded in entertaining, or encouraging others with. I would rather ask questions like, "What is the meaning of life?" and take a crack at answering them. But I have found that the deeper conversations I have tried to have fall flat because of the lack of interest in them. And as soon as I turn to cooking, cleaning, and raising kids, there it is. Everyone shows up and we have a conversation. Maybe because that is where we find the answers to the big questions.

As a matter of fact, as I write I am thinking, "I should really be doing some cleaning and laundry right now!!!" But I don't want to. I want to try to write this post.

Maybe we all write posts for different reasons. But I think one of the biggest for me is to give others more insight as to who I am. I often go inward, to the deeper parts of me and wonder if anyone else out there gets me, or the fact that I even have these deeper recesses. Sometimes they are lonely places, but maybe we all have these deep lonely places in us that we wish would be filled with the warmth of friendship and understanding.

Probably the biggest reason why I blog is the hope that something I have to say could affect someone so intimately as to make them think, or know that they are not alone in their feelings and there is nothing in this life that has not touched another as it has touched themselves. I believe the word is empathy-the power to enter into the feelings or spirit of others.

Blogging, for me, did not start out that way. I began to blog years ago in an attempt to help myself work out the lonely and often depressing feelings I had as a young mom raising and homeschooling four children, while having no clue what she was doing. I was trying to get a clue.

Now, I find it harder to blog because I do not need the therapuetic affects of the blog, but would rather help others. That's a taller order, even though I realize that sharing my struggles can help others.

Well, I believe that I have reached the point of a sufficient blog. What a way to end this post, huh? I think it started off way better than it ended. But I am out of steam and I really do need to get something worthwhile done today!! Not that blogging isn't worth something. What, I am still not sure-at least not my blogging. I bid you, Good Day!

BLOG UPDATE

2010-06-16T11:07:00.001-06:00

I am alive...any questions?

My Guy

2010-04-16T08:40:00.003-06:00

On April 15th, twelve years ago, my first child, came into the world, and it's hard to believe he is turning into a young man. Isaac is an amazing kid, and I admire the wonderful qualities that God has given him. I look forward to watching him turn into a man, although I am a little nervous about the transition. But we all have to go through it, and hopefully he will come out on the other side no worse for the wear. Happy Birthday, kiddo!!

So Out of Touch

2010-04-06T20:46:00.002-06:00

Lately, the fight has been against myself. The battle that rages is a battle I have been fighting for years now, and I think there was a time when blogging had helped relieve some of the stress of this battle. So I am blogging about my battle once again.

It is a battle against depression. If you have ever watched cartoons, you might be familiar with a character that was often beneath a small raincloud that followed him everywhere he went. I seem to have one of those, and I have struggled for a long time trying to fight it off.

If you have ever had one of these clouds, then you already know that they are greatly misunderstood, especially by those who are perpetually followed by sunbeams and rainbows. They come and go as they please and you don't always know when one is on it's way, although sometimes you can smell it coming like rain on asphalt. There are things you can do to prevent the cloud or lessen it's effects, but you can't make it dissappear altogether, although the Lord knows you have tried, and prayed and cried many tears.

That little cloud came to me today and made the skies gray and dreary. Why? I have no idea. Maybe if I hired someone to therapize me I could find out. It could be that I didn't get much sleep last night, and I feel physically yucky today. It could be that the kids are home and they woke up running, playing, and loud, which I was not in the mood for this morning. It could just be that there is no reasonable explanation but that silly little cloud over my brain that makes me feel trapped inside myself for the day.

The depression is possibly something God has given me to keep me humble. I have thought about this for so long because I have prayed for God to take it away and He has not. Being depressed affects every aspect of a person's life, and I am thankful for the fact that this depression is not constantly on my doorstep, but when it does come, it hurts. It makes me crazy, or lazy, or both. I don't want to be around people, even my kids, sadly. It's almost like being in a bubble. Everything is going on around you but you're inside your own head trying to get out.

It may sound horrible, but when you live with it, you have to learn how to deal with it. I have learned how to wait for it to pass, because it always does. I have learned that it does not define who I am, but masks who I truly am. I am still learning to talk about things. It is so funny how someone who loves words as much as I do would have so much trouble talking. I am learning that God has a reason for everything in my life, including the clouds. I am learning to trust Him more, and lean on people less, although He has blessed me with some truly amazing people in my life.

I am not sure why I am blogging about my battle. Possibly, I am hoping it will help to talk about it. Or that others might understand me a little better. I am like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. I don't exactly like being Eeyore. I often hate it. But I don't know how to be any different-yet. I get jealous of people that seem to be so cheery all the time. People that seem to find the silver lining everywhere they go, in every cloud they see, if perchance they even see one amidst the sunshine and rainbows.

Lately, I am just battling. Getting up and doing basic things that need to be done every day. Waiting for it to pass. Praying for God to take it away.

I am okay. I have dealt with this for a long time and it is just life for me and for my family. And like I said, you have to learn how to deal with it.

So we are dealing and it's okay, and God is good, and the sun still comes up every day and the seasons change and the world spins and life goes on. :) That's what keeps me going. Knowing God is in control, and being surrounded by so many wonderful people-especially my husband and children helps...just a little.

So now, I'm going to go to bed and we'll see what a new day holds for me and the kids. Tomorrow is always another chance at the day.

Hmmmm...

2010-03-08T09:15:00.003-06:00

I have been feeling a blog coming on but just can't seem to get it done. Maybe sometime today-or this week, or this month, or this year-I will get one written. Ah, life. It's a beautiful thing. As much as I LOVE to write all about mine I just can't seem to get it done these days. But, you know, there are times when I wonder why I blog.

No seriously. I am not feeling sorry for myself, I just think maybe I don't need it like I used to. Blogging used to help me figure things out. But that has changed. It's more for the fun of it now, or to share something pressing on my heart. I don't rely on it for therapy.LOL

So why am I doing it? I am going to have to think this over.

Someone made a comment last night that they noticed I hadn't blogged in a while. This is what got me thinking. If you are a blogger, why do you blog. Let me know. I am suddenly extremely curious.

Now I must go do some living so I may have something to blog about in the future.(chuckle)

This is What I am

2010-02-03T10:25:00.002-06:00

I was in my car running errands this morning and the overwhelming feelings of some emotion came over me, as I cried and drove and talked to myself.

I realized it wasn't the kidney stone that has interrupted the life of my family, or the death of my hard drive, or the broken washing machine, or my uncloggable toilet, or the mice we had been catching/not catching on a daily basis, or my heater not starting one morning this week, or my child still failing most of his subjects, or my unkempt house that gets clean and incredibly becomes unkempt in a matter of hours, or the mind in my head that forgets everything, or the inner struggle I am facing privately, or the constant fighting that my children are involved in...

...no, in a breath, a moment of thought, as I gripped the steering wheel and focused my eyes out the front window of my van, I realized, I am just sad.

I mulled this over verbally as I drove away from the shipping center where my broken hard drive now sat waiting to be returned.

I had been trying so hard not to be angry. I had been constantly reprimanding myself for being upset over all these situations that continued to arise, week after week, day after day. I mean how bad could I have it-not bad at all compared to so many others who have lost so much.

Yet that feeling has been lingering and has in no way been affected by my urging it to fly away and leave me be! Until today.

I burst into tears and headed to the grocery store. "Is it a sin to be sad," I thought."Is this what grieving feels like?" Is it okay to be this sad, to let yourself feel something that you can't ignore. Loss, hurt, sadness, I can't tell myself not to feel. I have tried that. It doesn't work.

It isn't that I am not thankful, because I am. It isn't that I have no hope, because I do. I am just sad.

I went to the grocery store and did my shopping, and then I came home to eat and blog. I had planned on sharing my experience, and saying that I just want to be sad, knowing it would pass, knowing that it will be okay, realizing that it's okay to be sad and I can let myself feel. It's not a sin, just because people have it worse than me, to feel true human emotional feelings. It's okay to cry because life is hitting me hard right now.

I have no great revelation to share that I am cured of my sadness, or that I feel better already, or that I am going to go save the world now. No. But if there is anything that I can tell you, it's this: No matter what anyone may think about your particular situation, you have to let yourself feel sad when you are sad. If you don't, you're going to get angry, and every little thing is going to get very, very big. Grieve, cry, stay in your jammies once in a while, whatch movies all night, whatever it is you do when your sad-do it. Let it out, and then move on.

Putting on a happy face doesn't solve the problem-believe me. You might find yourself depressed, sitting in a fed-ex parking lot, holding back the tears just so you can muster up enough poise to walk in, drop off a package and walk out, only to get back in your car and explode in tears. Of, course, when you finally let it all out, you will feel better. I promise.

Don't judge me. Don't judge people in general. We all have feelings. We all make mistakes. We all hurt. We all cry. We all get mad. We all need.

And today, I am just sad. And God is sitting right here beside me while I am sad, letting me be sad and reminding me it will be okay in the end. He isn't telling me to get over it or to smile and be happy because I am a Christian. He just loves me. And He loves you too! That just made me smile to write that. He's so good. I want to be like that! I think that's why I am sad, and why I am going through this storm. And I am okay! I am at peace and I hope that you can find the same!

Two Little Boys

2010-01-20T09:38:00.003-06:00

Two little boys, lyin in bed.
Starin at the ceiling, one of em says,

"You be the ssssss, I'll be the pop!"
Imaginary 'crackers zoom to the top

Of the hotel room, in the middle of the night,
little did they know, to mommy's delight.

I could almost see the reds and the blues
light up their faces in soft mingled hues.

Two little boys lyin in bed.
staring at the ceilin, doin' what he said.

One makin' "ssssss" sounds, the other little "pops"
Imaginary 'crackers zoomin' to the top!

What Was I Thinking?

2010-01-19T13:19:00.004-06:00

I have felt led to blog for so long but the words just aren't coming. I am a thinker and it's often a curse that leads me to have many discussions with myself, and blogging is the alternative to that. So much has been going through my mind lately.

I am learning so much from the Lord that I wouldn't even know where to start. Sometimes, He shows something when I least expect it and I am in awe. Someone trying to encourage me when they knew I was struggling with anger and child-rearing reminded me to "think on these things."

What things? The pure, honest, just, good, lovely things in life. Christ tells us to do this in Philippians. I have read that verse a million times I am sure, but it just dawned on me in that moment as I read the note someone sent me, that I have to THINK. Dwell on, meditate on, think on the pure, honest, just, good, lovely things in life.

I havn't been doing that. I have been dwelling on how awful my children are, and how bad a mother I am, and how I yell too much, and how I lose my temper, and how my kids get in trouble alot, and I am so hard on them, and how I need to spend more time with them, and how much they fight and how mean they can be to one another, and how selfish I can be and how I wish I could snap my fingers and change everything-and the list goes on.

I know, how have I not shot myself yet? I don't know, but I sure am angry. I am just plain angry. Angry at myself, my kids, the world. It's not a fun place to be, and I know that I don't want to be there. The trouble is I haven't been thinking about the good things, and I am sure that if I actually gave it some good hearty thought-being the thinker that I am-I could come up with many more good, pure, lovely things to put into my head!!

That's it. That's what I am going to do. Lovely things. Pure things. Good things. Honest things. Just things. Think about them.

And I can share them with you too when I think of them. It may take another blog to do that- maybe many blogs!

My first thing is memories. They always make me smile. I have a journal full of silly anecdotes involving my children as they were growing up, and once in a while I will pull that treasure off my headboard in my bedroom and share some stories with my children. Once in a while they will beg me to read the stories again and I can't resist no matter how hard I try. They will bring them up sometimes just out of the blue and say, "Remember mom?". I can't help but smile about it and neither can my children!!

I would like to share one of those stories with you. I was driving somewhere when Zachary was three and Austin was one. Isaac was at school, I believe. My little Zachy kept saying something over and over. I couldn't hear him too well, but he did not relent. I listened closely and finally figured out that he was trying to tell me that there's a "Sot in my hoe, der's a sot in my hoe." Of course, I had absolutely NO idea what the boy was talking about but he would not let it rest, and repeated the phrase over and over again. I couldn't resist his sincerity and perserverance as he continued to try and make his momma understand him. I fixed my rear-view mirror on where he was sitting and took a peek back at him. I can still see his serious expression as he held his leg up for me. I noticed in a moment, his white, little big toe sticking out of his bright red sock. It took me a second or two, but I got it and replied to him. "Ooohhhh, there's a hole in your sock." He then, gave me a great big smile, put his leg down and turned his attention to the moving scenery out the window.

That is one of my favorites, and there are several more.

It's been a while since I wrote in that book. Maybe that is my problem!

"Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, THINK on THESE things." Philippians 4:8

Wordless Wednesday??

2010-01-13T08:01:00.000-06:00

Ode To Winter

The Simple Things in Life

2010-01-01T21:47:00.006-06:00

This is a goodwill purchase that I almost didn't get, but after much deliberation decided the possibility of keeping four children busy for hours on end outweighed the nagging sense that I shouldn't spend the five dollars on the box of cheap plastic and marbles.

Let's just say the five dollars has been repaid ten times over already!

My suspicion that boys love this stuff paid off, and they are still, at 10pm, playing with it-in between bowling sessions with Grammy on the wii.

Ain't life grand...sometimes?

Austin spent so much time sending those marbles(probably twenty-something all together including ones we already had)down the tubes and around the cyclones. I was able to get some great shots of his concentration.

I have always loved his little pudgy fingers-even though he is now eight.

Zach took some turns sending the marbles down. The boys would race their marbles, or send a bunch of them down-sometimes so many that they would get congested and stop moving.

The cyclone-like the ones at wal-mart you can drop your coins into.

I see a budding engineer in my eleven year old. I can honestly give him something with the instructions to put it together and walk away, worry free. He always figures it out. I got him a Rubik's ball for Christmas thinking it would keep him busy for the whole trip to Connecticut. He had it figured out in an hour.

I love my kids and I am praying that this year is a new beginning for us. I want to learn how to be selfless and I know it isn't going to be easy.

Lord help me keep it simple!

A not so cheery Christmas

2009-12-16T11:20:00.008-06:00

The pine needles on my Christmas tree are weepy. The blasts of heat from the furnace stir the cold air in the room. I am listening to someone's Christmas music, yet the sentiment is not cheer, but sad, hopeful, meditation.

My life has changed, and it just so happens that it's Christmas. Last week, I lost the father I never really liked. I wanted to say that I never really knew him, which is partly true, but I knew alot about him. And I loved him. I pitied him. He lost so much joy in his life because of his bitterness and anger. He never got to share in the joys that we all wished he would have. Marriages, babies, family gatherings, Holiday sentiments...my father did not participate with his heart. I think that's all we wanted as kids-a daddy's heart.

Now My Dad is not with us anymore and it's as if the veil has been lifted. So many things unsaid have begun to be said. So many feelings unknown have begun to flow. And life goes on. But now there is a warmth, a sentimental feeling that was barred in my fathers life. In his death, he brought five people together that have been together physically, but not in heart. We now have a mutual pain, a mutual feeling we can all relate to. I have hope in the sadness this Christmas, because of the healing I believe has come to our family. It has begun and I pray it continues!!

Part of the sadness is that I live 1,000 miles away form my brothers. I finally see a glimmer of hope and I am too far away to really capitalize on that prospect. Our planned trip to see everyone at Christmas is looking less plausible by the moment. Money is scarce this year, as I know it is for many many other people. Gifts for anyone or anything are the farthest thing from my mind!!

The tears have finally come today, and I wondered if they ever would. Death is never a joyous occassion, but at Christmas it strikes the nerve a bit harder, and the heart mourns a bit deeper. It's Christmas. Christmas. Just saying the word conjurs up visions in the mind of things pleasant.

So, I am trying, amidst the sad but hopeful meditations of my heart, to look at the pleasant things, to soak them in, and drown out the cold, sad sentiments that chill me today. The sun is shining. The tree still looks so beautiful covered in white lights. My blessings are too numerous to count! I am sure it will not be easy as I already let my mind wander to the difficulties. I'm human! Aren't we all.

But here are some wonderfully pleasant things to think on!

Nephews, nieces, and siblings. I took lots of pictures!

Hmmmmm...

2009-11-30T11:02:00.002-06:00

Sometimes, I really miss blogging. I am wasting my morning away trying to make this thing warm and cozy, because really, isn't blogging the new way of "calling"? Course, who goes calling anymore-that's like 1800's retro.

Now it's a quick comment on facebook, a note sent by email, and a three paragraph blog about my life that maybe some of the closest people to me will enjoy but for a moment. Isn't it great. No, I mean it! This whole technology era is a miracle-worker, right? I can talk to ten people at the same time, respond to questions in my email, and show everyone my latest family photos right from the comfort of my own home.

I am still in my jammies as I speak(write). Hmmmm... The only thing we can't do is share a pot of yummy flavored coffee. Maybe one day some genius will come up with the bright idea of having virtual coffee on the web. Heck, maybe it's already out there and I am just not with the program.

And now, I can even put my favorite music on my blog for your pure listening pleasure(well mine too). To top it all off-it's CHRISTMAS season and I can play CHRISTMAS music. Whoopee!!!

Ain't life grand. Of course if yer not doing anything and you want to come calling I'll put on a pot of some kind of coffee, and we can waste the morning away getting caught up. My house may be insanely disasterous, and I may be in my jammies, but that's okay. You could wear yours too if ya want.

Oh, the joys of technology!!!! Oh the joy!! Heehee.

2009-11-23T08:38:00.001-06:00

I am trying so hard to be thankful! Life is hitting me hard right now. So many things, little and big, and I am so tired.

Maybe we all have these moments in our life when we are carrying this carpet bag full of stuff. I wish I could just dump mine out and walk away, but you just can't do that.

I see others who are hurting and I realize how my bag of stuff is nothing compared to what they have in their lives.

I see how thankful some people are and pray that God fills my heart with as much gratitude.

I think I am just not used to riding this rollercoaster life. I like the merry-go-round, simple and slow. That merry-go-round disappeared months ago and I don't see it coming back for many years.

How do you adjust? How do you go from being home all the time, homeschooling, seeing your kids all the time, just being a wife and a mom, to living in the van, seeing your kids in a rushed manner on a daily basis, forgetting half the things you need to sign, or do, or take your kids to, working, trying to build a business, never getting your house clean because your always gone, etc, etc, etc...

I'm having a bit of trouble. And I am ashamed of my house.

Then there's my Dad, my family. I don't know how I feel, but I know we have some decisions to be making in the very near future. I never thought I would be doing this at 35.

I can't change anything. I know I have to step up to the plate as a mom. It's been hard, but I really need to do better in this arena! I love my kids and always want what's best for them, but my laziness can get in the way of that!

I know that putting my feelings here makes me a bit vulnerable, but I think I just need prayer and encouragement and that is why I am writing this.I have so much to be thankful for, and I don't want my gratitude to be swallowed up by the muck of emotions swirling around in my heart! I want to be happy, if anything, for my family. They don't need a mama that is constantly grouchy and sad.

I just have to know that God is here and He is walking me through this little tempest. I at least have peace in that.

The computer is a bit of a trifle to me right now, which is why I have been invisible. I am sorry to those who may feel I have not been the greatest friend or sister or daughter, or that I have ignored you. It has been a struggle to merely keep in touch with my children, so I hope you understand. I have been so blessed with awesome friends in my life who I do not deserve, and I love you all! Know that I think of you often!

I hope that everyone out there can see God's hand in their life no matter what's going on. It gets rough from time to time, but God's in it all, he's never far away. I pray that we can all see the things in our lives that matter most and thank God for them.

Praise God and I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving!

Our World Away from the World

2009-09-20T14:04:00.009-06:00

There is something magical about a flowing stream surrounded by trees and sunbeams. It's another world. A far away place.

This place is an invitation to adventure and imagination. A place to explore and dream or just play in the sandy dirt beach.

I still see what a child sees when I come here, and I wish I still had the energy of a child.

When I feel the breeze cross my path and the sunshine warm my face as I walk through the beams poking through the trees, as I hear the rushing swish of water trickle by and see my children, shoeless, playing in it's coolness, I smile and think, "This is magic!"

I am grateful for this enchanted place. It is hard to tell how it makes me feel in words...

...but as it has been said, pictures are worth thousands of words!

I wasn't the only one who saw the magic here. Apparently a group of highschoolers had their photographs taken here. They actually got IN the freezing stream water in their prom dresses.-but I'll bet the pictures will be worth it.:)

Aren't they beautiful? I know, I am completely biased.:)

Farewell To Noise

2009-09-01T06:54:00.004-06:00

The house is quiet. I can hear the rinse cycle of the washing machine as it spins the clothes, and fills with water. The clocks are ticking, the keys of my keyboard are clacking, and a little girl outside just screamed. My children have left the building...

Twelve years ago we started the journey, parenthood, and it has gotten louder and louder ever since that day my oldest let out his first scream. I cried, daddy cried, gramma cried and it was one big happy family. Eleven and a half years later, and many hours of laughing, crying, talking, running, jumping on furniture, writing on walls, screaming, fighting, slamming doors, watching videos, playing games, eating lunch together, getting snowsuits on and taking them off five minutes later because someone forgot to pee, tying shoes, kissing booboos, hugging necks, tousling hair, putting children in the corner, discussing words NOT to use, dancing in the living room, making cookies with the kids, answering a zillion questions, kind of listening to descriptions of bike tricks being done in the alley or the cool airplane that just passed over head, restoring relationships between my kids and the neighbor kids, passing out homemade cookies, teaching math, reading and writing, etc., etc., etc., I get to hear the washing machine now.

I could say it's a beautiful sound. I could shout "GLORY HALLELUJAH, I can hear myself think." I could think of plenty of things to do with this old quiet I have rediscovered, and I am sure I will! But for now, I am basking in the memories of the noise, and watching the little ghosts come in and out of the house and run through the living room with muddy shoes on. Maybe tomorrow I'll do something with the quiet, but let me say good-bye to the noise today.

It will always be beautiful noise to me!

Trying to get out of the Funk!

2009-08-16T20:17:00.003-06:00

As a mother, there are certain things that just stab you in the heart. I have been walking around with a knife in my heart for about two weeks now because my children are all going to school in 14 days.

Now, some may think that I am silly for feeling this way, or maybe a little crazy for not jumping for joy at the fact that I will be completely alone after almost twelve years of having children constantly with me. But, I am having such a hard time with letting them go in my heart. I taught the two younger ones school for their first two years and enjoyed doing just that. I was planning on teaching them for another year, but an opportunity arose to send all of my children to one school for a little bit more than sendig two to another. As much as I tried to run away from the idea, I couldn't pass it up, as our desire has been to place them all in school eventually.

So, what is wrong with this momma? I think some things are just difficult to put into words and this is one of those things. I worry about my kids. I cry over them. I pray for them, and I have always wanted to be there for them no matter what. We don't have a perfect family, and there are things I often see that I want to magically snap my fingers and fix. And despite the times when they are fighting or being crazy, or just plain naughty, I love having them home. I wish I could handle homeschooling all of them, but it is just too much for me-but it is also difficult at times to have two in school and two at home-I feel split in two.

I just don't want them to go. I know, I am crazy, right? All I have known how to do these past 12 years is be a stay-at-home mom. I am moving into this new phase of life and I am a bit nervous at the very least. I can see someone asking, "WHY???". I mean, I am going to have a quiet house-wow-what is that?? I will have an opportunity to work outside the home and help out financially. I may even be able to get my house in order and KEEP it that way.

Despite ALL of that, I feel like this. I know, I know, it will pass. And I will be just fine. But for now, I wallow in the muck of the unkown. I never did like going there, but it's probably a good thing for me to be getting out of my comfort zone!!

Feeling Blue

2009-08-11T13:26:00.003-06:00

I don't know why, but the past few weeks have been very difficult for me. Our lives are going to change greatly this year as we put all four of our children in a private school. Summer is almost over, and the schedule has to go back to early bedtimes and early mornings. Time just keeps racing by, and I am not ready for it to go that fast, but I have no choice. I can't stop it.

I began looking through all of the pictures I took this summer to make an album on facebook, and realized once again what I have. I look into the faces in those pictures and I am in love all over again with the beautiful family that God has given me. I often have a problem looking at other people and their families and being jealous-jealous of the smiles on their faces, the vacations they took this year, the friends that they have, the things they have been able to do with their kids. It's silly, because I look at the wonderful pictures that I have of my family and see the same smiles and fun things that I see in other peoples pictures. That is the reminder from God that I have what He has given me and I need to be thankful for all that we have and all that we are!!

I think it has just been a difficult summer with my children. I haven't been feeling well, and they have been out of control. I have been lazy, and I have let alot of things go. I am feeling blue because I know that I need to get busy and work on behaviors, and attitudes. I am blue because I feel like we have not been together as a family as much as I would have liked this year. I am seeking joy and peace for this place we call our home, and I pray with all my heart that God grants that to me and guides me as I get down to business once again. I pray that God pulls me out of this pool of depression that I have been treading in.

I want to start writing again, but need the motivation to do so. I am hoping that when the kids go back to school, and my house is quiet, I can take a few months to regroup, clean my house, and breathe a little. On the other side of that, I don't know what's in store for me. I am a bit excited to find out. Meanwhile, life just keeps on moving along and before I know it I will be on that other side. See you there.

I'm still here-somewhere...

2009-08-05T21:31:00.003-06:00

Not feeling well! I've been tired, physically and mentally. I have no energy and my house is a disaster. I get maybe a load or two of laundry done every day, and keep the kitchen kind of clean-and then I am ready for bed. It has been affecting me emotionally to the point that I am even getting tired of the kids being around me. That makes me sad because I love doing things with the kids all summer. We really have not done much this summer.

I think sometimes, I have so much to say, but I can't get it out of my head. And now, I need to go to bed. I just wanted to post so anyone who checks my blog, knows that I am not dead(internetly speaking). Goodnight.

All That I Am Thankful For...

2009-07-04T10:25:00.010-06:00

Just wondering...

2009-07-03T19:02:00.004-06:00

How did I get here? I could have been anything-done anything. I was a pre-med major who graduated with a bachelor's in science. I graduated with honors. But I was too afraid to take the MCAT's-the entrance exams into med school. I was tired of school-tired of studying-tired of being so far away. I fell in love with a wonderful man, got married and had four children. We are broke.

I find myself sitting here thinking, why didn't I? I find myself wondering why I had to be so afraid. It's not about the money. I have always been afraid. Afraid to try harder, to go farther, to give more, because I did not want to fail. No, I have not had a job in eleven years and the simple truth is, that I do not want to work at burger king, or wal-mart, or Taco John's. I am not sure what I want to do-I really don't want to work-I enjoy being home with my kids-and just being mom.

BUT, there's the money. Most mom's I know work because they have to. I think that is just the way it is now a days! I feel guilty for spending my husband's money, and not working myself-especially because we have so little of it.

I feel like a failure tonight. I feel lost. I am afraid of going out in the world and working, but I feel guilty for not. I feel like I don't know how to do anything that would matter to anyone who would want to pay me to do it.

I know that it is not a waste of my time to raise my kids-to be here for them-but why do I feel so guilty about not working? Probably, because we are broke right now.

I need to learn be content with were I am!! Why does that have to be so hard? I am just so unsure of so much right now. So I am wondering what it is I am supposed to be learning right now. I sometimes wish I was strong like some other women I know-but I also know I am not alone in being the shy quiet fearful type. I now think I truly understand that necessity really IS the mother of invention!!

A case of the BLAHS

2009-06-16T21:50:00.006-06:00

School is out, summer's here-and I just feel so blah! I do not know why. I can't seem to get anything done around here but the basics. I feel like the kids are running around with their heads cut off-they seem to be fighting alot this week. I know I need to plan my days better, but for some reason, now that I am done with lessons with Aust and Mik, My routine is gone-and I have to start over and I am struggling. The kids have been out of school for two weeks now, and I know I need a better routine. You'd think I would have it down by now. Well, I don't.

Enough about me. :-) My Dad went into the hospital the other night thinking he had kidney stones, only to find out he has a mass on his kidney. That's all I really know for sure and I hate having to wait to find out more. I am not close to my dad. I have always wanted to have a father daughter bond with him, but he is a difficult man. In spite of that, I have this anxious need to know everything that is going on with him, and it just doesn't happen that fast. It takes time to find out. So I am waiting.

I am not emotional. I don't know what I am. Anxious is the best way to describe it, I guess. I will tell more when I know more.

I know I have not been blogging lately. I don't have much to say. Not that there isn't anything going on-I just don't know what to say. I don't think anyone cares if I go to the park, or clean my basement-so I will spare you, heehee. No really, I just don't have that exciting of a life. I am just keeping my head above water you know. I wake up, do what I gotta do, and go to bed. That's me right now. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in myself. My pitiful self. Ugh.

I plan on trying to have better habits but I have to fight my laziness. My daily routines are way out of wack and I have no ambition to change that. I know that it will change simply because it has to for my family-but I take my time as usual to change it because I am LAZY. Oh see, now I am back on me-what a waste of time.

A better topic-a friend and I did something nice for another friend and we SO enjoyed it!! I just had to share that-I was so excited to hear how happy she was. She had this HUGE home improvement project started that she had been unable to finish for many months now. It was her two girls upstairs bedroom-and the girls were sleeping in the living room all this time. It was a big stressor for her. Well, she went on vacation for two weeks and we cleaned it up, had some men just about finish it, and we organized it. Oh, it was so much fun and I would do it again in a heartbeat!! She was so happy and emotional about it. We saved her alot of work and stress! But I encourage you-if you ever get the chance to help someone out like that-do it. Don't even hesitate! It was good for us-and for the kids. We love you T!! I would post pictures but I am having trouble right now. Maybe next time.

I have to go-it's late. Until next time-love ya all!

Science Fair Fun!!

2009-05-21T19:48:00.002-06:00

Tonight, we had our homeschool science fair. I dread doing the work for them, but I absolutely love going to them and having the kids participate in them. They were very excited about participating.

Mikayla and Austin read their parts for the project.

And then they took questions from the audience.

They really did a great job and I was very proud of both of them. They did not seem nervous at all, and I was so surprised at this!!

We did our project about friction and asked which surface causes the most friction, and which causes the least.

Fun, fun, fun...

Aren't they the cutest? They grow up too fast!!

A Wonderful Day!!

2009-05-16T13:55:00.002-06:00

The sun is shining, and the air is cool. It's windy but that didn't stop us Molanders from our biking adventure today. I have no idea how many miles we may have ridden, but we trekked from our house to the library and then back home. Even though Austin and Mikayla were absolutely pooped out when we were about ten blocks from our house, we had a wonderful adventure and the kids were really good for me. The only time we faced a bit of turmoil was when we were about to go to Dairy Queen, but when I found out that the sidewalk was all torn up and we would have been in a bit of a dangerous situation if we tried to get to Dairy Queen from where we were, I had to change my mind. So I said we would go home first and then drive to Mcd's for a Sundae. Oh, boy, nobody liked me then and three out of four were complaining. So we had about ten minutes of the blahs on our way home, but everyone was tired too, and it's hard not to be whiney when your tired.

I LOVE bike riding. I have since I was a kid-and my kids love it too. What's even more exciting is that we can all ride together for longer distances now. This is really the first year that Mikayla is strong enough to do so. I tried once last year and she was too scared to have anyone behind her and she was so much slower than everyone else. She is still slower, but fast enough to keep up from behind, and I always stay right behind her.

It's wonderful to me to have something I love, that I can share with my children. And I almost didn't do it today because I did not get my bathroom clean:-( That was my goal-clean bathroom and then go, but I got a late start today and we have somewhere to go this afternoon so it was getting kind of late to go and I still had not cleaned. Well, I thought about it. All my kids got up and cleaned their rooms, got their beds made, and did their morning jobs. And they did the things I asked them to do-it was just flowing this morning. So, I gave up my date with the bathroom to spend a beautiful day out in the sun riding bikes with my kids. I would do it again in a heartbeat, and I am telling you to do stuff like that with your kids. My bathroom will be there for me to clean later, but my kids are growing up. I LOVE spending time with them like this. So, go and enjoy this sunny day with your kids if you can. If not today, then tomorrow. Make it important because some tommorrow, they will be all grown up and have their own lives.

Praise God for the sunshine!

No Title

2009-05-09T10:35:00.002-06:00

Today, my heart aches. It aches for the home that God has blessed me with-the husband and children He has given to me-ME. I want so much for them-yet I struggle so much to give it away. I do not want anything else in this world as badly as I want a joyful, peaceful, loving home. There are days when I feel utterly overwhelmed-like everyone else in the world feels at times. Why does it have to hurt so much when our children fail or make mistakes, or choose the wrong thing? I suppose it is God's way of reminding us just how much we love our kids.

Well, I have to go and tackle my housework-sigh. That's a whole other story for another day. Just remember that no matter how you FEEL, God is always good and He knows what is best for us!!

I am completely frustrated!

2009-04-21T11:44:00.002-06:00

I know that God is in control, that is my peace! Is anyone else out there paying attention to what is going on in our country right now. I know I cannot worry about it, but I do think about my kids and where they will be in twenty years. What is America going to look like for them?? I do realize that things have been heading in the wrong direction for many many years, going back all the way to Roosevelt. BUT, this current administration and congress is bound and determined to change everything at break neck speed. Many people may not even care or pay any attention until it finally hurts them where it matters, in their pocketbooks, or in their freedoms. It may not happen today, and it may not happen tomorrow, but ten years from now when my children are trying to make a life for themselves, are they going to be free to do that easily? Or are they going to have obstacles at every turn along the way?

I am currently reading a book by Mark Levine called Liberty and Tyranny , and I couldn't put it down last night. It is so very explanatory about what our country is and where we come from and where we are going.

I have always been a person who just wants to live my life, and vote when the time comes. But now, it just seems like I have been so complacent about how important all of our elections are local, state and federal. My heart has been sad for our country and for what our forefathers meant for it to be. I believe there are so many uninformed and misinformed people out there that if they just understood and knew what the constitution says and means and what our country is truly all about they would not be drinking the koolaid!

Okay, I am off my soapbox. Sorry, I am just so frustrated.

The middle of the night, AGAIN!

2009-04-20T00:46:00.003-06:00

Life has been so busy. And even though it has been a good busy, it makes me crazy to be so busy. Maybe partly because I have a little bit of trouble with organization in my life. See, I went to bed a long time ago, but here I am at my computer, trying to make myself sleepy. I was lying in bed, and my body was completely obedient about going to sleep, but my brain was not. Too many thoughts about all the things I have to remember to keep track of this week. So I finally decided to come downstairs and write it all down-alot of it was already on the calendar, but I double checked and added some things here and there.

What do you do to remember? One of the biggest devices of terror in my life is my forgetfulness. Yes I said terror. I have forgotten important things SO many times, and you know that big lump you get in your throat and wave of nausea that comes over you when you are nervous? That's how I feel when I forget something. I feel sorry for those who get to put up with me.

But seriously-I know I am not the only one who forgets-so-How do YOU remember things? Got any great ideas? Maybe it is just hard work that does it-making a lot of conscious effort to remember the important things-not just important to me, but also what's important to others.

I have been trying harder, but I still forget. And to those of you that may have suffered from MY forgetfulness, it is with deepest sincerity that I say, "I'm sorry!". And now I must bid you farewell. My brain is beginning to agree with my body, thank goodness!

Late Night Lamingtons

2009-04-17T08:24:00.005-06:00

It started about four months ago. Every week Obi would have to do four pages and add them to his book-

At the end of the laborious four months of researching, searching for pictures, and drawing, the fifth grade has a Nation Fair all day in their classroom.

Isaac had to finish up his poster for the fair last night.

He procrastinated on this one, but it turned out okay in the end.

And what did MOM get to do until 2 in the morning?? Hmmm... Well, it's a fair, and what do we do at a fair? EAT! For this particular fair, the cuisine was a sampling of traditional food from your country.

Wow, who made THAT mess? Cut me some slack I was in a hurry!:-) I started around 8:00. Who knew what a nightmare these little treats could be and Obi is not the only one who procrastinated!

The finished product. They are called Lamingtons after Charles Wallace Baillie, Lord Lamington, governer of Queensland, who wore some kind of hat that resembled the square cakes. Ironically, he hated the things, and supposedly it was something created by the cook as a creative way to use stale or burnt sponge cake. These little cakes were served at various ceremonial functions In Queensland, and over time became a favorite of the Aussies, served with tea in the afternoon. Schools and other groups even use them for school fundraisers, called Lamigton drives, because of their popularity. They're actually pretty yummy-but NEVER AGAIN. What a night!

Even though Obi did not stay up nearly as late as I did, he was up much later than his normal bed time and we were both VERY tired!

But, in the end, it was all worth it. Obi is such a great kid, and so smart. And just look at those adorable freckles!:-) I thoroughly enjoyed working on this project with him. And if I never see another chocolate dipped, coconut-covered, sponge cake square again, that would be just fine with me!!

Our Lazy Easter Sunday

2009-04-15T09:26:00.002-06:00

Comedy and Tragedy!

2009-04-14T21:12:00.003-06:00

Is this comedy enough for you? He'll kill me when he is fifteen!
Don't tell him. Then again, he DID let me take the picture, and he thought it was hilarious.

And now the tragedy...

Why the sunglasses?

Can you see it???

The Big Bad Ugly Black Eye!!

This picture doesn't even do it justice!!!!!

Isaac was riding his bike, did a wheely, and the bike went backwards on top of him and pounded him in the eye. I was worried about the bone under his eye, but it was okay, thank the Lord. He is healing nicely, and the bruise is turning green, but the swelling is gone. Poor guy-everyone wants to know what happened. His answer, "I fought the bike, and the bike won!"

HRRMPH!!

2009-04-10T18:52:00.003-06:00

Hmmmm... Went to the zoo today-had a wonderful time, but are there any pictures?? Nooooo! Why? Because some moron didn't check the battery before she went to the zoo. But for the sake of anonimity SHE will remain nameless.

Someone really needs to get their act together-I'm tellin ya! Some people!!

The Monster in My Mind

2009-04-09T20:11:00.004-06:00

I am jealous. Do you ever get jealous? And no matter how hard I try not to be, it just creeps up on me like the boogey man and "BOO", it's right there. Before I know it I am looking around and wishing I had this or was that. I hate it. Why can't I just be content with what I already have, and make the best of what I don't like?

It's my demon I suppose, this thing that plagues me, but I can tell you this much about it: It's a thief. It steals your joy. It takes your eyes off of the precious and valuable that God has given you, and makes you wish you had the other person's _________________. You fill in the blank. It could be anything. I'll tell you what it is for me, as hard as this is. Home. My home. Someone else's beautiful home. Someone else's decorative touch, or newly painted room, or freshly carpeted floor.

There are so many things I have found myself being jealous of, and tonight, I did it again. I looked around thinking, "Oh, that's so pretty, I wish MY __________ was that pretty. Oh and I love this _____________, I so wish I had something like that." (Ugh-will she never learn?)

I've often heard this cliche, "The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem." Well, people, I am admitting that I have a problem. I am a jealousaholic. Is there a cure?

I just want to have joy. I want to take joy in what's mine, since taking joy in what's YOURS just sounds ridiculous. I want to make the best of what I have with little or no money-that can be hard I suppose. I want to be thankful for what I have even if it's not as nice as yours.

I feel like singing, "WE SHALL OVERCOME!" Shall we?? Oh, I certainly hope so-because its a miserable world that jealousy lives in and I DON'T want to live there!!!! Join me in the fight against jealousy today. Say NO to jealousy! No, no, no no...is it working yet...no, no,no...keep shouting...no, no, no...Oh this is silly.

God, could you, would you, make me content? Whatever it takes...I hate saying that...but I do not want to be jealous of others. It's a painful, absurd way to live life. Wait, am I really living MY life if I am jealous? Nope, uh-uh, not a chance. I am just fantasizing about what if...well, you can go there but I have been there tonight and I don't want to go back.

I love my scratched up linoleum kitchen floor, and my once white, now gray carpet, my front porch that slants forward, and my leaky basement, because this is where I live. It's where the muddy little feet run, and the dirty little hands play. It's where we eat our meals around the dining room table, and read books every night. It could be marble floors, new plush carpeting, big open sunroom, and fully finished non-leaky basement. But without the little feet and hands-does it really matter all that much?

Join me in my fight. The battle of the ages against the big ugly green monster. I feel like David-but you know, he DID beat Goliath in the end, right. Im just sayin'.

Spring Is In the Air!!

2009-04-08T20:52:00.002-06:00

I really want to get my camara going again. Today was a beautiful day for a bike ride-so we went for a ride to the park, but I have no pictures, because I am slowly getting pics developed, and deleting things off of my camera. I Have gotten so backed up on there, but hopefully I can get it where I want it.

I savored the sun today, and I drank the air. I absolutely love spring. I love dropping everything I am doing and taking my kids on a trip through the neighborhood on our bikes, or a walk to the park to play. I would rather do that any day than clean or work around the house wouldn't you?

I really enjoy my kids. I always have, but we had a rough patch for a very long time with lots of anger, fighting, disrespect, and unpleasant experiences. Despite that, I look at my kids, and their abilities and I marvel at what God is doing in these children He has given me. They are growing up, and it hits me hard sometimes when I look at my seven year old and see this big boy who used to be my little guy. Even sissy who is only six amazez me. She is always lending mom a hand just because she wants to-and I love it!

My ten year old will be eleven in a week. He is such a young man, and I am so proud of him!!The hands on the clock just move too fast!! Zach is nine, and even though he has always been so immature for his age, he is learning. He has got such a big heart, and he's hilarious!

Our family is changing. The dynamic is changing. All my children can read now, and ride bikes, and play games that adults play. It's a new world for us. It's actually a pretty fun world. We laugh alot and we can joke with each other.

The Lord has really been helping me to look at my children in a different way than I used to. They can be anything that God wants them to be. I tend to worry about every little thing that they do wrong-DON'T do it!! They are going to mess up ALOT. Kids just do. I have been learning to give them room to fail and learn from their mistakes. That can be hard, but especially as they get older, they have to learn the natural consequences that come from bad choices. Of course some of those consequences are a result of the discipline mom and dad have to issue, but it's a consequence nonetheless.

My prayer is that my joy remains. I love having my kids home for spring break and I wish I could handle homeschooling all of them. I love to listen to them play, and watch them when they are creating or imagining. It's busy of course, from the time we all get up, till bedtime-there is always something to do, whether its chores, schoolwork, playing, or helping mom-we are busy. But it was a good busy today!

God is good. Through it all-He is just good. I pray that my kids learn this and understand that no matter what happens in our lives, for better or worse, God is just so good. And He is in it all.

God does Amazing Things!

2009-04-06T18:12:00.003-06:00

Today was a day of remembering. Brad and I took Zachary to his psych evaluation this morning with Dr. Hoffman. As we drove down to Rockford, I just kept thinking that I know that Zachary is all healed or mostly. He has been doing so well and come so far-no one would ever know that he was in a coma 5 months earlier.

When we got to the office, we met the Dr. right away, and I knew that Zach was being tested but after being in her office for about twenty minutes she said his tests would take most of the day. Zachary's jaw dropped-he was not excited about this turn of events, but he adjusted and went with it. I felt so bad because I was not able to prepare him for this since I had not realized it would take so long.

At the end of the office discussion, we walked out into the hallway. I said my good-byes to Zach and encouraged him to do his best, assuring him it would turn out fine. I watched him walk down the long hallway and was a little bit anxious-not worried, just thinking about how he would do. Deep down I felt peace, knowing he would do well.

I was right! At the end of the day, Zachary was either average or above average and even superior in some areas. There was only one minor area to work on and it had to do with his handwriting fine motor skills.

My heart immediately acknowledged the fact that the very night the accident happened, the phones were ringing and people were praying for our family, and for the Swanson family. Zach's life was in the hands of God and everyone was praying that he'd make it and be okay. And God said yes. Not only did God bring Zach back to us, but He healed him rather quickly compared to many others who suffer the same kind of injury. I do believe that the Dr. was pleasantly surprised that Zachary had come so far in such a short time. She made me understand the miracle that our son was, and I praise God for what he has done.

NO TITLE!!!!!

2009-04-04T22:07:00.003-06:00

I wish I could get the words in my head to stop swirling like a tornado and obey me. They are very disobedient little creatures. All I ask is that they line up nicely in a single file line on the screen as I type them, but they are very stubborn. They don't want to come out of my head. I think they are having too much fun driving me mad. I have had this problem before, and I just have to wait until some swell of emotion washes them from my brain down through my fingertips and onto the keyboard. Bear with me. My thoughts are experiencing technical difficulties! And the time it takes to force them out just isn't abundant at the moment. So instead, you get to enjoy the blabber that is rolling off my fingertips at lightning speed. And sorry, no pictures either. I know, bummer, huh? Sorry to dissapoint! All two of you. Hee hee.

God is just awesome-why can't I always see that??

Totally Tickled and Slightly Tearful

2009-03-25T13:03:00.002-06:00

I would have taken pictures to share, however my camera has 500 pictures on it and therefore is full and unusable-I know, I know.

Anyways, last night, Mikayla wanted P and J'S. For those of you from Rockford, that's a peanut butter and jelly sandwich:-). So, I told her to make one by herself. Well she got the P and then the J and the bread, of course, and proceeded to work on her project. While I was doing dishes, I heard in a very Julia Childs sort of way, "First, you have to take some peanut butter, then you swoosh it on the bread like this..." On and on she went for about a minute before I realized I should be getting this on film. I grabbed my camera and started taping her without her knowing it for about another minute before she caught me out of the corner of her eyes, turned around, stopped talking immediately and smiled while her cheeks turned rosy. It was absolutely hilarious!! My little girl is such a joy to have in our home!!

Then this morning, as I was getting ready to leave the house with Austin and Mikayla, I was upstairs putting on my make up and heard some very interesting things coming from the living room below. The night before, I ran through the states flashcards with Zachary which was very trying because he remembers very few of them. I left the cards on the end table, and I guess Austin and Mikayla were bored because they were actually using them(I guess they had to do SOMETHING since I did not want them to watch tv). I heard Austin trying to pronounce the states and Mikayla would repeat what he said. "Lousy-anna, Loosyana, oh LOUISIANA!. PennsIle-vanIa, no Peensulvania, PENNSYLVANIA, that's Pennsylvania." And so on. Again, hilarious, and enjoyable, I couldn't helped but be tickled. I love homeschooling!

Lastly, we were going out today because the third graders were doing chapel at school and we were invited to come and enjoy it. They had worked on a project about a month ago that they called there faith builders papers. They had to write about something that happened in their lives where God answered prayer, or protected them, or provided for them. They also had to draw a picture of their story, and I sat through almost the whole chapel thinking Zach was not going to read his. I was wrong. He went last, and he read about an evening in November when he was in a car accident with his family. His picture was a snapshot of the scene from above, as if he were in a helicopter filming it, and there sat the two cars that came together and changed our lives. Mikayla gasped and I looked at her. Her big brown eyes looked at me knowingly and then she smiled. I put my arms around her and the tears came-even though I fought them back. After chapel, Zach was helping clean up as I watched him, and he spotted me and made a b-line right into my arms. Those are the best hugs-and I was so proud of him!! He is really growing up!!

That's my tickles and tears for today. Hope you enjoyed them! Have a great day.

To Stay or Not to Stay, That is the Question!

2009-03-24T22:13:00.002-06:00

Why does guilt follow me wherever I go?

I ask myself that question often. Some of it is because I have some things TO BE guilty about, like, watching a movie when I SHOULD be working, spending too much money at the grocery store, or "forgetting" to study spelling words with Zach before bed.

But some of it I know is unfounded. I have really been struggling with this question in my life-should I be helping out with the income in our family? I feel guilty for not working a job of some kind, but know in my heart that it would be difficult for me, for all of us. But it plagues me and eats at me. I sometimes ask God what to do, and wait for an answer and feel as though I have not gotten one. Many mothers I know, have jobs, and for different reasons, a big one being finances, but there are other reasons.

In all honesty, I do NOT want to work a job outside the home!!! I cringe at the very thought, for many reasons. I guess that is what I feel most guilty about, not being willing to work, or being afraid to. What would I do? Where would I work and when? Who would I work with??? I know every person has to face these questions-they are a part of life. But, I am almost thirty five and I have not worked in over eleven years. It scares me. So its the fear I am feeling guilty about, not my desire to be a stay at home mom.

I have been trying to let this go and wait on the Lord, because maybe I am just not supposed to have a job right now or for a long time or ever. I do love homeschooling Austin and Mikayla. But sometimes I long for more-and maybe I just need to be content with what's on my plate at the moment. God knows what I can handle.

In the meantime, I have been wanting to be the very best wife, mom, and homemaker I can possibly be. It needs some polishing!! But we're working on it. :-)

Just in the library.

2009-03-17T13:35:00.002-06:00

God is good. He really is. Even though I feel like a failure sometimes, and I wish I could be someone else many times, I know deep down in the depths of my heart that God is good, and loving and He has got everything under control.

I am jealous. Jealous of things I think I am not. Things I want to be. I know it is silly and wrong, but it's still there. I have to let it go. I am jealous of others-what they have, who they are, and what they are capable of. I have to let it go. It is something that I am really struggling with right now.

But I know that God has me where I am right now. I don't feel it, but I know it, and I have to get on my knees every day to make sure I remember it!!

I suppose that is enough "eeyore" for this post. :-)

Spring is on it's way-yahoo!!!!

Boys!

2009-03-13T11:39:00.008-06:00

They love to drive tractors!

And sumo wrestle.

They LOVE to borrow mom's camera, without mom knowing about it and take several up close snot shots of their heads.

At least this one does.

They do not care what hats do to their hair!

See, no big deal!

This one LOVES to shovel snow-and play in it.

This guy has a million faces.

This boy likes double decker balogna and cheese sandwiches!

They are interesting creatures, are they not? Yes, on a daily basis, I strive to understand them, but alas, I have reached a verdict. I am just NOT a boy. And I think I am glad about that. And I am also glad I have them!! They keep me on my toes, and boy do they make me laugh!! I love you guys!!

Experiencing Technical Difficulties.

2009-03-06T12:42:00.002-06:00

My computer won't work. And even though I have a laptop, it will not work with my present modem, so here I am sitting at the library as usual, only I am using my laptop with their wireless service. I can't help but find the humor in it all!!

Hopefully we can figure out the problem with our home computer and get wireless service at home so I can use my laptop at home.

My husband bought me the laptop for valentines day and I was utterly and completely surprised. Thank you Babe!!

I am so thankful for my family. I admit we are rough around the edges, but every day is a new day. For the last three days, Zach has been home sick, and we have all enjoyed each other. Yesterday, Zach and Austin made all these paper airplanes and played airport and flew them around the house. It was so neat to watch them play. I miss that. When I homeschooled all of them, it was so hard for me, I was not well, and the kids fought so much. But when the boys played together and imagined and created and enjoyed each other, it made my heart sing. I loved to listen to there chatter about airplanes and how they fly, or where exactly to place the army guys. I got to see that again yesterday, and I rejoiced. I miss having them all home, but God had other plans and I know they are where they should be at this time.

I must go for now. Thanks for stopping by-all two of you>chuckle<.

Ingeniously Dangerous

2009-03-01T10:32:00.003-06:00

If you ever want to laugh out loud, if you ever want to laugh until your sides burst open, do the following. Get some big old t-shirts and some baggie pants, put them on your kids, stuff them full of blankets and pillows and let your kids wrestle, run into each other, and pile on top of each other. We call it "sumo night". Here ar some pictures of our hysterically funny evening. I will caution you-you need lots of space, and you need to watch carefully so no one gets hurt. Here goes...

Austin looking tough.

Zachary sitting, and Mikayla trying to.

Isaac looking cool.

Mikayla was the funniest-she just made me laugh and laugh. She would fall down, or sit down, and she couln't get up. Then she would just start giggling because she was stuck.

The boys were hamming it up for me-it was sooo much fun. But it was dangerous. Not something we do every day. But once in a while it's wonderful for a night full of laughter and fun!! Five stars for Sumo night!~

A Foolish Woman Wises Up, Hopefully.

2009-02-28T22:28:00.003-06:00

For a long time now, years actually, I have been suffering from a severe case of stupidity. But maybe most mothers do-at least in the beginning and probably not as long as I have suffered from it. But one day, I woke up and gave myself a V-8 smack on the forhead.

I can see the question mark over your head. I understand, truly, because I was clueless for so many years and now the veil of ignorance has been lifted from my face. With the help of those closest to me, and not easily mind you, I have been forced to assess my life, with a microscope. I don't like what I see. As a matter of fact, I hate it.

When I was little, I had parents, like most of you out there did. I think they did what they knew how to do, and they made alot of mistakes doing it, but I try to tell myself they did the best they could. I cannot judge them, and I must love them. I can say that, but do you know how hard that is to actually do?? Yeah, some of you probably do. It's work-a job-no, an investment-a really hard and messy investment that, to be honest with you, I have not been making myself-but that's another story for another day.

But I realized that there are so many things in this life that are good, even great investments, and I am not talking about the money kind. No, I am refering to the people kind. See when we started our family, fast and furious it was, and I had no clue what I was doing. We didn't have a plan, God just brought four kids to us in five years and that was that. They kept coming, and we kept going, and I was okay, for the most part. Babies were easy for me-they can't argue with you, or talk back or run away from you. But as we all know, babies eat and poop, and grow while they're doing it, and before you know it, there's this little person who belongs to YOU, and he starts to be naughty, yup, that's what I said-he just starts defying you.

I never knew how to handle it. I never really knew I was supposed to do something about it when the child is two. I did not know these things, I had to learn all of these things as I went, you know, and by the time my fourth child was two I think I got the picture, maybe. The point is, I didn't know it all and no mother does. And the crazy thing is, it's always changing on you. Just when you think you got something down with one of your children, they morph into something else that needs fine tuning.

It's a machine, parenting. A machine that needs oil changes, and tune ups, and new shocks or brakes once in a while. And if you service it, it runs so much more smoothly. Not perfect mind you, but better.

The V-8 moment came to me the other night when I was out with my friends who are rather candid at times(of course that's what a real friend should be, right?-despite the sharp pain you feel in the middle of your chest when they ARE that way)>Ahem...
Need I say more. I lost my way. I just lost my way. There is no investment I would rather make than the one I make every day in my kids. But for some odd unexplainable and ridiculously stupid reason, it is the absolute hardest investment for me to make. I do not think I have ever taken my role as a mom as serious as I should have. Oh, I loved and do love my children, but I know that I have been selfish and I have stolen from them what should rightfully be theres-my time and my energy.

The question is, where do I go from here? Well, folks, I have been asking this question for a few years now and the answer has NEVER been one I want to hear, which is why I haven't changed. But the answer Is as clear as a bell, and always has been, HARD WORK.

Being a mother is work, in and of itself, but, being a good one-that is HARD work. I have never been very good at hard work, but now I know what I want in life. Yeah, at thirty five, it finally hits me, how convenient, right? I am a mother. I want to be a good one. There are too many things in this life that we grab for that just do not matter. So many things we give ourselves to that may be great things but they are not the best things.

I'm not going to lie to you. I am not going to wake up tomorrow, or next week, or next year and say, oh, well I am a pretty darn good mom now, if I do say so myself. No. But, I have to stop complaining. That's a start. I have to pray. I can't do this without God. I have to give him my stuff. AGAIN. Yes, I said again. I am really good at taking it back. I can't change that today, my kids fought all day and disobeyed me over and over again, and I lost my cool and became angry for pretty much all of the day. No, I can't go back. I can only do tomorrow-the age old addage "Tomorrow is another day" is reality. Do my best and leave the rest up to God-it's all I can do. It's all any of us can do, but how many times do I beat myself up because I want to be the perfect mother that I will never rise to.

Today is almost over and it was pretty bad. But tomorrow, I can try again, and pray that it gets better. I can love my kids, and serve my family, and honor my husband, and say sorry when I mess up, and pray when I don't know what to do, and hold my tongue when I want to swear at someone for doing something really stupid.

BUT, it won't happen without hard work-oh, those nasty little words again. I HATE hard work, but the investments I make now, may someday come back to me ten fold. And hopefully, those investments will be happy and healthy too. I pray they are. I hope they are.

Internet Update

2009-02-26T13:30:00.002-06:00

I am posting so you all know-well the two of you that read my blog:-)-that I really do have the internet back. I almost don't know what to do with myself. It's funny, but I think I have too much to say. That's not surprising I am sure. I am so glad to be back simply because I feel so much more connected to others this way. I just need to figure out when I can best use this and not let it take away from my family. There is alot going on right now so we'll see what happens. Blogging is my therapy. Or at least it was. And I have so many pictures!! We'll just have to see.

Headliner

2009-02-25T12:39:00.001-06:00

35 year old mother of four regains internet connection-details coming soon...

Hmmm...

2009-01-27T14:23:00.002-06:00

My sister would like to know what I am talking about. Well, I am mostly talking about my husband and children. I have been so selfish for so long, and I am trying to change. With lots of prayer and patience, I know things are going to get better with time. You may be wondering what things. Well, those things are personal I suppose. Let's just say I know I could be a better wife and mother and that is now my wholehearted desire instead of just another item on my list of things that I want to be or do. My family has always meant a great deal to me, but I have not done my best to make them my top priority. I think I have too often been my top priority. I am in the process of giving up myself for them and it hasn't been easy! And believe me, I have a long way to go, but I am going the right way and that is what matters. So, Deb, I hope that answers your question. When I finally get the internet back and do not have to go to the library to blog, I will share more of our lives and pictures too. But for now this is the best I can do. I have been inspired by so many other bloggers to make this a great place to visit, and I am planning on doing that when the net is back in my house. I have also had the desire to start writing again. It's been so long and because of some things going on in my life I had become blank-but it's coming back to me now. So, until then, this is all I can muster from the library computer section.

To All Those I Love

2009-01-24T12:58:00.002-06:00

I am sorry for all of my mistakes. I am sorry for not giving you more of my time. I am sorry for the failures and the faults I have that have hurt you. I just want to be better. To do better, and I hope that I am on the right road here. I know that God has placed you in my life to love, to cherish, to give to and to learn from, and I pray that God makes my heart bigger every day, and grows my love wider for you. I have been selfish, and I am sorry!! I am so sorry!! We are so blessed. I am so blessed. I hope that you can forgive me!!

The Fatso Talks

2008-04-10T16:42:00.002-06:00

When you stare through a long tunnel-you can't see what is on the other side, you just kind of hope that it is sunny and warm when you get out of it. But tunnels arte not bad-as a matter of fact they get you across or through something, like a mountain or water. The whole idea of dieting has always made me cringe because I do not want to diet-I want to change my habits forever and make them the right habits that I do all the time. I am entering the tunnel. I sure cannot see the other side, but I hope there is a healthier more physically fit me over there. I have been gaining weight in leaps and bounds and I finally reached the breaking point, so I am trying to eat better and I just started exercising today. I have been feeling so sick and fatigued lately-and I want to be done with it. I hope that this tunnel isn't as difficult to go through as I fear it will be, but I am going anyways!! Arie va derci? See you on the other side, maybe.

Goodbye Sunshine

2008-04-02T22:11:00.008-06:00

It's time to say good-bye to Florida-sniffle-sniffle!
But before I do-more pictures from a camera crazy mama.
Isaac aboard the USS Alabama-and what an amazing sight to see!
The boys had fun shooting planes out of the sky.
Too bad they could not shoot these babies!
Poor Mikayla-she was pooped out after the tour of the battleship, but we were not done yet.

There was also a submarine.
With teeny passages through tiny hallways.
They were acting like they were up at the crack of dawn.
The sleeping quarters
Isn't he the cutest!

The engine room
A pretty flying machine
And an ugly one. Sorry about the couple that got in the way of the plane!
Ian is my sister's oldest-he's 8.
Jacob is 6.

Playing dollies on the porch.
Sarah is 2, adorable, and knows it!
A lazy, sleepy morning.
Mikayla sporting an ice-cream mustache
Lauren just turned five the day we got here.

And Sophia is three months old.
Uncle Brian is giving Isaac a chance to drill some studs into the wall.
The girls humor me while I snap a bazillion pics of them.
Sophia baby
Our last venture to the beach

Thunderstorms were in the forecast.
But God held the clouds back for us, and we had a wonderful time!!
Right, Austin?
One last hoorah.
Good-bye, sand. Oh wait-I forgot-I am taking you home with me(courtesey of our minivan floor). Good-bye Florida.

Reflection

2008-04-01T22:01:00.002-06:00

I am still in Florida, about to head home in a couple of days and in a way dreading going back to normal life were I have to face all of the usual daily ins and outs of life that I have enjoyed being away from while on vacation! But, I have been able to do alot of thinking and evaluating during our time away from home, and I see even more the things that need to change.

I simply need to spend more time with my kids. I need to love them more, nag them less. See the good and work lovingly on the bad. I need to have better aim when it comes to pointing them in the right direction.

Problem is, there is nothing simple about all of that for me. I have been so selfish. Selfishness is a curse, a canker that eats a hole through the very heart of what it means to be a family. I know that may sound harsh, but it really isn't harsh at all. It's mere fact.

I have not been happy for a long time-years. I have been happy about things or circumstances, but not truly joyful in my heart . I once knew joy somewhere in my past-at least I think I did. But I have lost it-and I believe it is because I have tried to find it in all the wrong places. A bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups do not cut the mustard when it comes to being joyful, nor does a two dollar movie from the video store-no matter how great the plot may be!!

I know that Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, and I believe I have that Spirit-but I don't yet have that Joy. I have realized that I need to ask for it, instead of trying to find it. It's not going to come with any of the things I do to make myself happy, but I think it comes when you work to make others happy. That's what I want to try to do a better job of-starting inside the four walls of my own home.

Yes, I have needs-I know-I am very aware of my needs!! But I also realize that I am not meeting the needs of those entrusted to my care and that should have precedence over my own! And this has led me to some practical areas of how I might stop thinking of me and start thinking of them.

1.) For a long time I have been pondering not watching tv or movies any more, as those are some things that take me away from my kids, or my much needed sleep-which keeps me on my toes for my family, instead of being a zombie.

2.) I have a tendency to leave so many ideas unfinished or untouched. I have started two books with my kids now that we never finished. We have done rewards sytems that were never fully carried out. Too many promises broken and hearts probably too. Sometimes it is unavoidable but I know I can be more careful in this area. I do not want to make promises I cannot keep. And I want to find one thing we can have as a family tradition and do it all the time until it is habit. We could add more later if possible-but onle one for now to ensure it's becoming a habit.

3.) Oh, listening, truly listening. Yeah-I'm no good here!! They do not know how to listen because I don't! I need to listen to their woes and care-even if I have no solution-listening is good even without that!!

4.) I find this one nearly impossible to quit as I have developed a horrible habit-but here goes. NO yelling. Maybe yelling isn't all bad-but it is in my house. I hate to yell, but apparently my flesh LOVES it. And my children are the victims. I think yelling says-"I hate you". Maybe not always, and of course it is not what I mean to say-but it's what they probably hear. And maybe if I stop yelling, they will too-what a concept.

5.) Take time to just be. I don't stop and do this enough with my kids. Oh, I do it plenty for myself into the wee hours of the night while my babes are fast asleep and the daily work is done. But it doesn't help them any. Most of the time I am just crabby and tired the next day because of it. No, I need to start stopping during the day-on purpose-just to be, while my kids are around me. This one will be hard because I don't stop very easily.

6.) Pray, pray, pray, and pray. I feel like I have not been able to talk to God about all of this in so long! I am not sure why, maybe partly because I don't want to. But prayer really should be my number one priority because it is God who works in me and not myself! I guess part of me wonders why God needs me to even ask for help when He knows the state I am in! But the Bible says to let my requests be made known to God. My biggest request right now is for God to tighten the strings of love and happiness around my family!

Maybe I could go on and on but I think that is enough to tackle for now don't you? I need to eat better and my family needs to be fed better. My health is awful right now due to my overeating and foolish eating habits. We need to discipline our kids better in many areas-but I think that may come easier when I start working on the things mentioned above.

Overwhelming? Think I am being to hard on myself? Well, reality is harsh. I can't live my life blind to the problems in it because it's too harsh to admit or realize that things are a mess in my life. I seriously do not want to wake up one day to rebellious, angry, bitter children because the reality of it all was just too hard. Worst of all-I do not want to chase my kids away from the things that I truly believe and hold deep in my heart. That is exactly what happens when you live your merry little life without facing the harsh realities and doing something to change wherever possible.

I love my family. I love my kids so much, but I don't do the best job of showing it. I hope and pray to God that this is a major turning point in my life, and not just another complaining session. I know myself and my failures all too painfully well!! But I have so much hope-it is what keeps me going. Hope and trust in the one who created me and gave me the four children I have!

Fun, Sun, Sand, and Surf-A Whole New Turf!

2008-03-29T22:54:00.008-06:00

In the beginning...
...Daddy drove for 13 out of 16 hours.
We arrived in Florida at 5:30 in the morning, slept until twelve thirty p.m., and walked around like zombies all day. But it was worth it. Here are the smiles to prove it.
No, they aren't related at all!
Our first adventure of the week
The Naval Aviation Museum in Pensacola, Florida
All cousin's minus Sophia, the baby
And of course the kids with Dad.
What a neat place!!!

The Blue Angels

Ah, there is Sophia.
Ian and Zach having the time of their lives!!
Daddy's Girl!
Sarah is such a cute little rugrat isn't she?
It was a great day!

You'll never guess our next adventure!
Oh, did the white sand and waves give it away?
And it was an adventure playing in the surf and getting thrown by the waves!
Mikayla was not strong enough to go past her ankles so she played in the sand most of the time.
But the boys were having the time of their life!

Can you tell?
Still in the sand!
And still in the water.
Zach's waiting for the next big one.
Isaac caught it and wiped out.

Drying off with some bubbles.
Mikayla...
...and Zach get in on the act...
...while Austin chases and pops as many as he can.
Another wonderful day!!

Today was our lazy day.
We found a pier to picnic on and snap some pictures while we're at it.
The Coast Gaurd ship nearby
The view from the pier was pretty
Half way through our big adventure and there's more to come. Stay tuned for upcoming events. The kids want to move here-or at least some do. Do they realize how boring Florida would be if we did move here? I am beginning to miss Wisconsin, only slightly. I am sure we'll be good and ready for home when the time comes. Maybe we can bring some Florida home in a bottle!

The Negative Life

2007-11-13T14:09:00.000-06:00

Something in me just cannot do it! I want to, deep inside somewhere unfindable, but I can't.

I continue to change-daily, yet stay the same. What I want to do I just cannot. I look at otheres who have and do accomplish what I seem to be unable to do, and I wonder why. It's God right-that's got to be it, huh? But I know Him too, and I ask Him continuosly to make things better and to make me what I should be.

I just can't.

Maybe I just don't want to because it's easier to just let it go. But I will have innumerable regrets if I do that-do I even care. I thought I did, but I am not so sure anymore. I could never ever walk away from my family-I truly do love them, but I am not what I should be for them. And I cannot be. Maybe I will never be.

I know it seems like a bad attitude-maybe it is. I get so sick of reading these blogs, or books, or articles or whatever it may be, where the person is doing what I cannot. I think it may be jealousy. Maybe that's it. But they work hard for what they have I am sure, and if I want what they have, I have to work hard too.

But I can't.

Or maybe I just don't want to. Is anybody out there here in this place with me. Lately it seems like I am the only one and it is a very lonely place!!

If you are please tell me. If you aren't and you want to give me advice-please don't! At least not yet. I cannot handle it right now!

And of course, there is probably nobody out there because I have lost touch with the net world.

What else is there to say? I can't go anywhere else but up from here I suppose!

News

2007-09-11T09:16:00.000-06:00

I just wanted to let you all know I may not be blogging anymore for a while. We may be getting rid of the internet. So if you don't see me around-that is the reason. I will miss blogging, and I may be able to blog once in a while at the library or something, but it won't be very often. Just thought you might want to know. See you around.

Longing For Meadows, But Learning to Love the Jungle.

2007-09-07T20:32:00.000-06:00

Sitting on the couch, looking through some pages of a birthday book my aunt made with pictures, I have a bittersweet feeling looming over me. As my eyes move over each face, sometimes many faces, different thoughts come to my mind: "I remember when...", "Oh, they look like...", "I wish I could have...", "If only...", etc., etc., etc.

Time is not a friend. I realize that my life has passed me by without the opportunities I wish I could have had, but I know that I am who I am because of that. I can only think, "If only...", for so long, and I have to move on.

Though I cannot have the past, today and tomorrow is laid out in front of me-the path I have yet to walk. I do not want to walk through the jungle of chaos and danger that my parents dragged their children through. I love them, for they did the best they could to get us through that jungle, but we did not leave unscarred by it.

I look at some of the families in my family tree, and I wish my mom and dad could have followed them on their path. Either they walked in lush green meadows, or they chopped their way through their own jungle, clearing a safe path with sweat and love for those who came behind.

I am in the jungle. I chop and chop sometimes, but I get tired and start dragging my own children through the brush. Honestly, I would much rather walk through those meadows, but I don't know how to get there. Maybe we all walk through the jungle, but some of us do a better job at hewing out a clear path for those we love so they can walk in peace as they grow before they reach their own jungle.

Whatever the case, I don't want my kids to come out terribly scarred. They may have a few scrapes here and there, be don't we all? That's life.

Looking at those pictures, I wonder how you did it, or are doing it. I feel like that will never be me. Or maybe I am just reading too far into the happiness that seems to come from you all. We did not have that growing up-that sense of security, belonging, and love that seems to ooze from the lives of some of those in our rather large family. I too realize, though, that others may have been dragged through the jungle just like me, and maybe you know what I mean.

In the end, though I cannot go back and have something I missed, I want to move forward and give that to MY family. I want my kids to feel a part of this great big wonderful thing called the Rehfeldts, and also the smaller branch off of that tree, the Molanders.

Sometimes, no matter how hard I try to shut out the past, to let go of the hurts and to move on to the life I want for my own family, my heart finds some reason not to. But, the sweet part is being able to hold on to so many wonderful things in my life, in our family, and among friends. My prayer every day, every moment, is that I remember all of those good things from God, and forget the scars. Though scars do not dissappear, they do fade, and some people come to forget they have them, even the ones that are clearly seen. I guess, that only comes when they accept the fact that they are scarred.

So, I am scarred, but I am blessed. I am thankful for the blessings I have been showered with in my life, and I hope you are too! You can't be part of the Rehfeldt family and not feel at least a little blessed, can you?

It's Almost Here

2007-09-06T08:26:00.000-06:00

We start school on Monday and I am not ready. I have had so much on my plate the last two weeks that I have not been able to sit down and gather my ideas for the school year. I already made my lesson plan sheets and wrote down my ideas for the year, but I have not yet been able to purchase the workbooks we need. I hope to get that done today. I have my ideas in my head of how I want things to be, but I just do not feel mentally prepared for the year. I have been mentally preparing for half of the summer, but I am feeling a bit nervous.

The only thing that really worries me is discipline, self-discipline and the discipline of my kids. I have let things go with them, and I know how tough it is going to be to get my kids sitting and listening and working again. I am excited about teaching my two younger to read, and working on my second graders reading. I am excited about the schedule that I have made, and the determination I have to do a better job keeping it this year. I just don't feel confident about how my children will handle things. To me, my children's behavior last year was the biggest obstacle that we faced, and we will face it this year. Teaching them is easy and can be fun, but they do not always cooperate and I am not very good at disciplining them.

My goal this year is to teach my kids to love to learn. At this point, they hate "doing school"! And that is my fault because I was not thrilled about homeschooling last year. That all has to change for the year ahead of us and right now I feel that I am headed in the right direction.

So, as Monday approaches, I have a few days to get my head in the game, and be ready for our first day of school. I'll be ready, because I have to be.

2007-08-30T14:12:00.000-06:00

What if you believed from the time you were a young child that the world was flat. Everyone knew that the world was flat and it was taught in school, and your parents told you it was so.

Then one day someone comes along and tells you that what you believed all your life is wrong. The world is actually round.

What do you do?

A. Deny it because everyone you know says the world is flat and you believe them.
B. Walk away from what you have been taught all of your life to be the truth, and agree wholeheartedly with him.
C. Find out why he believes that and then draw a conclusion.

If you choose A, well, what do you possibly lose? Not much, you certainly won't lose any friends or family, and what you don't know can't hurt you, right?

If you choose B, you're a fool!

If you choose C, you have an open mind to knowing the truth, but with caution that you could be led astray.

And, if you come to a conclusion that the world is round, well, what will everyone else do?
1. Call you a heretic?
2. Think you are mixed up and have been led astray-that you are a fool?
3. Laugh at you?
4. Condemn you?
5. Consider you certifiable?
6. Ignore you?
7. Debate with you?
8. Try to change your mind?
9. Disown you? or disassociate with you?
10. Etc., etc., etc.

There may be a few who actually listen to what you have to say, and even fewer that will truly believe you.

So, is following the truth an easy road to travel?

Ask those who thought the world was round and lived in a world full of people who absolutely knew that the world was flat.

Ask those who thought the earth revolved around the sun and lived in a world full of people who absolutely knew that the sun revolved around the earth.

I am wandering in a place much like those men of old who thought differently than the world and were persecuted at times. For what? For believing the truth.

I am not yet able to share what I have learned. I want to. I will eventually, but there are some other things that I am facing that I must go through first.

I do know that God is in control-and because of that, I cannot nor will I worry or fear.

By the way, in case you were wondering about the men who thought the world was round. They were right!

Pictures-just because.

2007-08-25T00:17:00.000-06:00

Zach in the pool. He's a fish!

Austin settling in for the trip to the cabin.

Isaac and Mikayla at the train museum near the cabin.

Zach and Austin next to them. They were standing under the big wheels loggers used to transport timber back in the day.

How Do They Do It?

2007-08-16T11:55:00.000-06:00

How does anyone keep up with the times anymore these days? I have enough to do all day around my home with four kids. But add to that my two blogs, and a bible forum that I joined, not to mention trying to keep up with everyone on facebook. There aren't enough hours in the day for all of this nonsense!

Here I sit. Ironic isn't it? The internet has some kind of mesmerizing power that sucks you in, even when you know you have a billion other much more important thigs to attend to, four of which are standing behind you saying, "Why are you always on the computer mom?"

To which I reply, "I am not always on the computer!" Well, I'm not, you know. Just too much for their liking I suppose!

I try to get some things done in the morning before I get on to peruse. And then I check throughout the day to see if I have comments or if someone "wrote on my wall".
I also go to the bible forum quite frequently.

I know that I don't have time for it all. I actually waste time on here most days! So, I have decided to lessen my time here. Not necessarily writing on my blogs because those have been helpful tools in my life. But reading others and messing around on facebook-I just can't do it right now! It's not worth my time really!

So, I am off to help my boys clean their room that has been declared a disaster zone for a month-see ya later.

The Story of My Life

2007-08-03T20:23:00.000-06:00

We're in the chip aisle at Wal-Mart, all six of us! I hear something behind me, turn around and see a man, average height, rotund, adorned with a mustache, and long, curly hair hanging out from beneath a ball cap. Standing behind our two carts, where my husband and son also stood, he wore an unpleasant expression on his face and my heart sank. It looked as though my husband had said something to him because he too had a look, only more startled than unpleasant. The man pushed passed us and mumbled under his breath, "You need to keep your kids in line."

He kept walking and I stared at him, wondering what we had done that was so terrible and I yelled down the aisle, "Do you even have kids?"

Again he mumbled, avoiding eye contact, "Yeah, and mine know how to behave."

"What, they're perfect? You never had a bad day?"

I was beginning to get angry at this point, and with his back turned to us, while he briskly walked away, he stated smugly, "Just get your free food and get out of here."

Something broke in me. I once again screamed down the aisle, "My husband works very hard for us so we can have what we need!"

He turned the corner and was gone.

I do not know what happened in the next few moments, except that I was a bit shaken and I did not want to shop anymore. Next thing I know my husband had left me alone with the three boys in the chip aisle, and I stood there for a long time with them as my mind whirled. I was mad that he left me because of how I felt, but as I began to venture around the corner I ran in to my husband who again looked a little off.

"I was getting myself in touble."

"What?" I asked.

"I went and asked him what it was we did to upset him."

My husband proceeded to tell me that he asked them to move four times until he finally said "Get the f- out of my way!"

Apparently neither my husband or my son heard him and my daughter who was sitting in one cart was holding on to the other cart so my son was having trouble pushing past them.

I was mad. All those feelings seem to come back when things like this happen. The last time I went to Wally world, my kids were perfect-seriously. Tonight they were a bit roudy, and fidgety, but certainly not horrible. I was hurt. All the guilt flooded my heart once again. I don't do this right. I make so many mistakes. My kids CAN be horrible sometimes.

I wanted out of the store, but knew that we needed to get some groceries. When we decided to go to the store together tonight, I had only planned on spending about $80 but ended up spending $130. I didn't keep track: I just felt like a zombie.

I think I am over it now. I console myself with the thought that a man who treats others the way we were treated could not have had perfect kids! What do you think?

I Just Want to Be Normal!

2007-07-31T13:58:00.000-06:00

I am certifiable! most people think I am being silly when I say that, but I am definitely on the very edge of normal.

I cannot do two things at once. Now maybe one might say that isn't all that abnormal, but it has wreaked havoc in my life. I never have two things going right all at the same time. I am working on a project right now-my son'e bedroom. Ripping up carpet, spackling, painting, and then after we are done in there-the other kids rooms are next. It's alot of work! But while I am doing this-nothing else is right. The kids are crazy, the house is in upheavel, and I am wound very tight!!

How do people do it? I know that many people do it. I am still trying to step back and look at myself for who I am and what I do.

But right now-I have some spackling to do.

Finally-Pics of our trip!

2007-07-28T18:23:00.000-06:00

Well, it's about time, isn't it?? These are pics from our trip to the lake, well a few. I took like 150 pictures. The more you take, the more good ones you get. And here they are

The boys creations in the sand. They had roads and bridges and rivers-it was cool!

And the girls creation? Bracelets with grandma!

A thunderstorm-the sky looked so awesome !

Not the greatest picture, but it was dark on our bonfire night.

Some artsy fartsy walk in the woods. The walk in the woods was beautiful, but the art-well, let's just say some people have way too much time on their hands!

This wasn't too bad-something native American.

The Cabin, and my beautiful self! (I am now gagging).

The lake-now that's beautiful!!!!

Some of the kids with grandma-she looks rather tired!!

The water was nice and all the kids loved it. This is my four plus their two cousins.

This is my hubby. Um, I guess he's sleeping and trying to blow up the tube at the same time??

Aww, aren't they cute. OB1, my oldest is missing from this one.

Men and fire!

Princess and cuz hang out with dad and uncle on the dock.

I have a million more, but I'll spare you all!! I hope you enjoyed the pictures!!

Tid Bits

2007-07-22T14:29:00.000-06:00

This is the drivel part of my blog. My head has been spinning for a long time now-ever since I have been medicated I cannot seem to gather my thoughts! There have been ideas that have come and gone over and over since the beginning of this year. I have wanted to write about all of them, and have written about none of them. The thoughts seem to escape me the moment I sit face to face with the screen. It's like the flourescent white bewitches me, and I am drawn into it's nothingness.

Hence, today, I sat at my trusty keyboard to clack out some of those swirling thoughts in detail and alas, I have nothing. But I am going to try to form some of those thoughts into short questions and comments that may lead to something else, if nothing more than to find out a little bit more about me.

Who is God? No, seriously, how many people REALLY know who God is?

I don't like people. I just don't like them. I don't hate them, but I would rather be left alone many days. I love people, and I want to be there for people, but I often find myself wanting out of the crowd-like at church. I like to get to know people one on one, and I usually end up trying to dig deep to find out more about them, because that's what I like to do with people. I am not really interested in what their kitchen looks like or all the cute shoes they have, but I want what's inside-then all the rest falls into place. But, many, and I mean many people do not let you dig deep, at least not until you've known them long enough that they finally break, and I think I am so impatient that I end up avoiding people because of it. Some people don't open up at all-it drives me crazy-this is the selfish part of me. I would rather get past all of the formalities of getting to know people and just get straight to the point-who are you? I guess because I always make a fool of myself in front of others during the formalities of getting to know people, which then causes me to avoid them later on because I am a fool. Oh, I might as well just be honest here-I hate getting to know people. I love having great friends-and I do. But I have issues about getting to know people and I spend months nerve-wracked over this or that while in the process of deepening relationships. Sometimes I hate being an introvert, but often I relish it.

I wish I could see myself through other people's eyes. Who am I to other's? Is it the real me they see or something else? Are people honest with me about my flaws or do they sugar coat?

I am obsessive. Not necessarily in my actions, but in my feelings. I overreact to things internally. I stew. I keep it all inside me and somewhere along the line, I think it just dissolves. At least that is what I think, but I am beginning to think these things creep back to bite me when I am least expecting them.

That's all I've got for now. I am just so tired. I stay up too late and get up too late. I have to change my habits and I don't want to. But I have to.

Maybe I can try to write some more tidbits later.

Bye for now.

Just More Life

2007-04-20T21:10:00.000-06:00

I have not felt the way that I feel right now in a very long time. I am angry, impatient, frustrated and tired. I am tired of so much. I am not supposed to feel this way right? Life is so easy for me right?

No, I'll tell you that being a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom is very hard for me. I always knew that I wanted to stay home with my children, but I was not prepared for the idea of homeschooling.

So why do I homeschool?? Because I feel it's what is best for my kids at this point in time, and that may change. For now, I am the only teacher in there lives-well, besides church teachers, and I do not want to be. I am overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed by small things in life, so the big homeschooling monster is like my worst nightmare.

I am not afraid to homeschool though, I just don't want to. I am not in favor of public education, and private education is too expensive for us right now, so the only other way to go is homeschooling. I am so lazy-it's my biggest downfall. My laziness affects avery aspect of raising my kids, and the days that I fight it and try so hard to be a good mother and teacher, I am so worn and tired at the end of a day, or week.

I feel like my kids deserve better than I can offer them, not because I can't teach, but because I am not motivated to do it to the best of my ability. So, they suffer for it.

I honestly feel like one of the worst moms at times, even though once in a while, I see a glimmer of hope for us. I don't want to mess my kids up, but I feel like it's just inevitable!

To top it all off, I have been so uptight about EVERYTHING lately, and I think I am driving my children absolutely crazy. I think they are beginning to hate me for being so nit picky about stuff, and not praising them enough. I have to stop being like this I know.

And so it goes. And so it goes.

What's At The Bottom of My Barrel?

2007-04-12T14:53:00.000-06:00

I am a "Christian". I know how I am supposed to act and feel, right? But sometimes life just stinks. See, I was going to write sucks, but I don't use that word. (Oh brother) No, I really don't, and I don't like the sound of it either. But sometimes, life just sucks! There, I said it!

Okay, so what is bothering me. I don't know. I am strung out right now. I should be cleaning, and planning dinner for tonight, but here I sit, trying to put my very intangible feelings to the page.

I am a mother. But I am a terrible one. Sometimes I am an excellent mom, but most of the time, I just suck. Oh, there, I said it again. I think my kids are really going to have issues with me when they grow up.

I have issues with my parents. In a way, it's almost like I don't have parents at the moment. I do not make much of an effort with them and they don't with me either. And I don't really care. Or do I?

See, issues. My house is a mess. I deny that I am a mess. I refuse to be a mess. But my house is.

My kids-some days they are a mess. Others they are wonderful. Today-we are a mess. Issues.

These intangable feelings of mine are all over the place!

Deep down inside of me, I do not want to admit that I just need to talk to God. I do not want to get spiritual in my posts-because it could be taken so wrong. I fear hypocrisy and plasticity, yet I know the truth. The truth is that I am searching.

Religion means absolutely nothing to me. Knowing God and His son Jesus means everything. But I am caught in the middle between two worlds and I don't know how to find the right path. Finding that path may finally bring some stability to my home, because it will bring stability to my mind. But it may also bring contention, rejection, and other things that come along with disagreements.

The truth is that is the bottom of the barrel. After I dig all these other feelings of inadequacy and frustration with my family and my life out of the pot, that's what's left. My feelings towards God and the Bible and what it means to me in my life. I don't want to talk to God right now. I am angry. Yet I know I need to. I want direction, peace, solace, understanding, wisdom-and this can only come from one source. The source that I am the most confused about at the moment.

I mean who understands-truly knows, the heart of God, and His Son Jesus. I have often said that I WANT to know Him, but is my heart where my lips are? How do I teach my children about the things of God, when I myself struggle with understanding. That is where much of my guilt comes into play. My children knowing what a true relationship with God and His Son means. Maybe it isn't something I can give them, but if I don't have it myself, I certainly cannot teach them about it either.

I cringe at the thought of telling God that I love Him. I can't. How can I love God with my meager, unworthy life. My mistakes, failures, stupidity, actions, they just do not measure up. I try to teach my kids to love Him, but do I? With all my heart soul and mind as His word commands?

I often feel like just walking away, but I could never do that. I can't walk away from a person who would give His life to save my own. I owe Him my life. I am not doing a very good job of giving it to Him.

I am not doing a very good job of surrendering all. I am not doing a very good job of suffering, or sacrificing.

I am guilty, not free. I want to be free, but also giving of myself freely. Right now I feel guilty because I don't want to give myself freely all the time. I am not firmly committed. I am not even sure I want to be. I am not even sure what it means to be firmly committed.

By the Church's standards, if you give your tithe, go to church when the doors are open, go to visitation once in a while, bring others to church on special Sunday's, sing in the choir, fulfill your nursery duty, and teach some class, then you must be spiritual. This of course is not a spoken or written proclomation by any means, yet I truly believe it is understood that often, the more you do, the more spiritual you are considered to be.

How silly, right? I think so. Yet if I stopped going to church, and doing all that I do there, I would probably make the pray list to come back to God. When I never left Him in the first place.

I guess this is all at the heart of my misery. I love my family, but I think until I get this confusing mush straightened out in my head, I am going to struggle with so much!

Where do I go from here? I am still going to search. I suppose I need to start praying about it. I was before, but I got away from it. I began to pray that God would show me the truth, and I got smacked in the face by something so big, that I began to read and study and left off with my prayers for truth. I need to get back to it!

I will continue to believe that the God that made me is good and loving and will see me through all of this. I don't have to believe it-I DO believe it! My hope in Him, is the only thing that keeps me going! As my illusions crumble around me He is still there-still the Rock that is higher than I.

Religious Mumbo Jumbo

2007-04-04T16:43:00.000-06:00

I am leaving religion.

I am walking away from the law.

I am living in the liberty of God's grace.

The truth really does set you free.

When you try to live the way everyone else thinks a Christian should live, it's religion.

When you try to live the Bible in your life, that's Truth.

Question is, how many "Christians" KNOW what the Bible says, and actually care?

Good question.

I have come to believe that many people just have religion. That is not what I want-never has been, but I have met so many people in my life that have that smile. The one that say "I am a Christian outside, but if you only knew!" That smile.

I don't want to be cynical-everyone is not like that. I have known alot of good people in my life too. But some of those good people were caught up in religion, and maybe they felt they were doing the right thing.

I really do not have to live by anyone's rule but God's. No, I am not a rebel, but I do believe there are alot of traditions and so-called "rules" that are placed on people by religious leaders that have nothing to do with anything that matters-that really matters. And most of the time, when people's hearts are in the right place, they start to see were they need work anyways because of the Holy Spirit. And we are not the Holy Spirit!

You can have your religion. I don't want it. I just want to live the way I should live in this life, to the best of my ability, and to the fullest. God directs my steps, so I think I'll be okay!

A Sitting Duck

2007-03-28T15:32:00.000-06:00

Do you ever wonder why you have it so good while others have it so bad? I watch alot of movies that are based on the lives of real people who go through some pretty terrible circumstances that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I look at my life of relative ease and cringe at times, not that I want to have my share of trials-and maybe that day will come. I don't believe people ask to go through the worst times of their lives, but I sometimes ask God why. Why not me?

Sounds awful, yes, but there is a twinge of guilt buried somewhere in me. Just a twinge. Why not me? I haven't had to face even a tenth of what many people go through the first twenty years of their lives, and I am 32. No, of course I don't WANT to have it rough. Who in their right mind does? So many do though, just not me-at least not yet.

The troubles that we face mold us. These are the elements that refine us-trials. I have had few, so often I wonder when I am going to be refined. I am not afraid of facing something horrible, but I don't sit around waiting for it to fall on me either.

Just thinking, that's all. Why them, not me? Why?

On Politics

2007-03-21T15:54:00.000-06:00

I hate politics, and they're all liars! Even the ones I think I agree with lie. Am I a dem or a rep or an ind-WHO CARES. No, seriously! I do care.

I care about people. I care about our freedom. But I have to admit, I have become extremely weary of the political world around us. Sadly, I realize that the government is supposed to be decided by "WE THE PEOPLE", yet I have no desire to involve myself in the mire. The people who live in this wonderful country either care too much to our demise, or they don't care at all. The moderates are considered sissies, and then you've got the left and right wingers who stand for "something" when they run for office, and change almost nothing once they become elected. (Or they BECOME moderates) I am not sure if that's good or bad, for if they change nothing, nothing changes. Life goes on. But things that I may believe need change, well, most of the time, they do not get changed anyways.

I sound like a pessimist, but I really am not. I like to think of myself as a realist with a love for idealism now and then. The truth is, we aren't really in control here. I am not worried in the least about who our next president will be, or which direction the country is headed, because I know Who runs the show, ultimately.

So, let what is, be. Someday, we will all see why the world is what it is. Someday.