I'm still here-somewhere...

Not feeling well! I've been tired, physically and mentally. I have no energy and my house is a disaster. I get maybe a load or two of laundry done every day, and keep the kitchen kind of clean-and then I am ready for bed. It has been affecting me emotionally to the point that I am even getting tired of the kids being around me. That makes me sad because I love doing things with the kids all summer. We really have not done much this summer.

I think sometimes, I have so much to say, but I can't get it out of my head. And now, I need to go to bed. I just wanted to post so anyone who checks my blog, knows that I am not dead(internetly speaking). Goodnight.

All That I Am Thankful For...

Just wondering...

How did I get here? I could have been anything-done anything. I was a pre-med major who graduated with a bachelor's in science. I graduated with honors. But I was too afraid to take the MCAT's-the entrance exams into med school. I was tired of school-tired of studying-tired of being so far away. I fell in love with a wonderful man, got married and had four children. We are broke.

I find myself sitting here thinking, why didn't I? I find myself wondering why I had to be so afraid. It's not about the money. I have always been afraid. Afraid to try harder, to go farther, to give more, because I did not want to fail. No, I have not had a job in eleven years and the simple truth is, that I do not want to work at burger king, or wal-mart, or Taco John's. I am not sure what I want to do-I really don't want to work-I enjoy being home with my kids-and just being mom.

BUT, there's the money. Most mom's I know work because they have to. I think that is just the way it is now a days! I feel guilty for spending my husband's money, and not working myself-especially because we have so little of it.

I feel like a failure tonight. I feel lost. I am afraid of going out in the world and working, but I feel guilty for not. I feel like I don't know how to do anything that would matter to anyone who would want to pay me to do it.

I know that it is not a waste of my time to raise my kids-to be here for them-but why do I feel so guilty about not working? Probably, because we are broke right now.

I need to learn be content with were I am!! Why does that have to be so hard? I am just so unsure of so much right now. So I am wondering what it is I am supposed to be learning right now. I sometimes wish I was strong like some other women I know-but I also know I am not alone in being the shy quiet fearful type. I now think I truly understand that necessity really IS the mother of invention!!

A case of the BLAHS

School is out, summer's here-and I just feel so blah! I do not know why. I can't seem to get anything done around here but the basics. I feel like the kids are running around with their heads cut off-they seem to be fighting alot this week. I know I need to plan my days better, but for some reason, now that I am done with lessons with Aust and Mik, My routine is gone-and I have to start over and I am struggling. The kids have been out of school for two weeks now, and I know I need a better routine. You'd think I would have it down by now. Well, I don't.

Enough about me. :-) My Dad went into the hospital the other night thinking he had kidney stones, only to find out he has a mass on his kidney. That's all I really know for sure and I hate having to wait to find out more. I am not close to my dad. I have always wanted to have a father daughter bond with him, but he is a difficult man. In spite of that, I have this anxious need to know everything that is going on with him, and it just doesn't happen that fast. It takes time to find out. So I am waiting.

I am not emotional. I don't know what I am. Anxious is the best way to describe it, I guess. I will tell more when I know more.

I know I have not been blogging lately. I don't have much to say. Not that there isn't anything going on-I just don't know what to say. I don't think anyone cares if I go to the park, or clean my basement-so I will spare you, heehee. No really, I just don't have that exciting of a life. I am just keeping my head above water you know. I wake up, do what I gotta do, and go to bed. That's me right now. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in myself. My pitiful self. Ugh.

I plan on trying to have better habits but I have to fight my laziness. My daily routines are way out of wack and I have no ambition to change that. I know that it will change simply because it has to for my family-but I take my time as usual to change it because I am LAZY. Oh see, now I am back on me-what a waste of time.

A better topic-a friend and I did something nice for another friend and we SO enjoyed it!! I just had to share that-I was so excited to hear how happy she was. She had this HUGE home improvement project started that she had been unable to finish for many months now. It was her two girls upstairs bedroom-and the girls were sleeping in the living room all this time. It was a big stressor for her. Well, she went on vacation for two weeks and we cleaned it up, had some men just about finish it, and we organized it. Oh, it was so much fun and I would do it again in a heartbeat!! She was so happy and emotional about it. We saved her alot of work and stress! But I encourage you-if you ever get the chance to help someone out like that-do it. Don't even hesitate! It was good for us-and for the kids. We love you T!! I would post pictures but I am having trouble right now. Maybe next time.

I have to go-it's late. Until next time-love ya all!

Science Fair Fun!!

Tonight, we had our homeschool science fair. I dread doing the work for them, but I absolutely love going to them and having the kids participate in them. They were very excited about participating.

Mikayla and Austin read their parts for the project.

And then they took questions from the audience.

They really did a great job and I was very proud of both of them. They did not seem nervous at all, and I was so surprised at this!!

We did our project about friction and asked which surface causes the most friction, and which causes the least.

Fun, fun, fun...

Aren't they the cutest? They grow up too fast!!

A Wonderful Day!!

The sun is shining, and the air is cool. It's windy but that didn't stop us Molanders from our biking adventure today. I have no idea how many miles we may have ridden, but we trekked from our house to the library and then back home. Even though Austin and Mikayla were absolutely pooped out when we were about ten blocks from our house, we had a wonderful adventure and the kids were really good for me. The only time we faced a bit of turmoil was when we were about to go to Dairy Queen, but when I found out that the sidewalk was all torn up and we would have been in a bit of a dangerous situation if we tried to get to Dairy Queen from where we were, I had to change my mind. So I said we would go home first and then drive to Mcd's for a Sundae. Oh, boy, nobody liked me then and three out of four were complaining. So we had about ten minutes of the blahs on our way home, but everyone was tired too, and it's hard not to be whiney when your tired.

I LOVE bike riding. I have since I was a kid-and my kids love it too. What's even more exciting is that we can all ride together for longer distances now. This is really the first year that Mikayla is strong enough to do so. I tried once last year and she was too scared to have anyone behind her and she was so much slower than everyone else. She is still slower, but fast enough to keep up from behind, and I always stay right behind her.

It's wonderful to me to have something I love, that I can share with my children. And I almost didn't do it today because I did not get my bathroom clean:-( That was my goal-clean bathroom and then go, but I got a late start today and we have somewhere to go this afternoon so it was getting kind of late to go and I still had not cleaned. Well, I thought about it. All my kids got up and cleaned their rooms, got their beds made, and did their morning jobs. And they did the things I asked them to do-it was just flowing this morning. So, I gave up my date with the bathroom to spend a beautiful day out in the sun riding bikes with my kids. I would do it again in a heartbeat, and I am telling you to do stuff like that with your kids. My bathroom will be there for me to clean later, but my kids are growing up. I LOVE spending time with them like this. So, go and enjoy this sunny day with your kids if you can. If not today, then tomorrow. Make it important because some tommorrow, they will be all grown up and have their own lives.

Praise God for the sunshine!

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Today, my heart aches. It aches for the home that God has blessed me with-the husband and children He has given to me-ME. I want so much for them-yet I struggle so much to give it away. I do not want anything else in this world as badly as I want a joyful, peaceful, loving home. There are days when I feel utterly overwhelmed-like everyone else in the world feels at times. Why does it have to hurt so much when our children fail or make mistakes, or choose the wrong thing? I suppose it is God's way of reminding us just how much we love our kids.

Well, I have to go and tackle my housework-sigh. That's a whole other story for another day. Just remember that no matter how you FEEL, God is always good and He knows what is best for us!!