Farewell To Noise

The house is quiet. I can hear the rinse cycle of the washing machine as it spins the clothes, and fills with water. The clocks are ticking, the keys of my keyboard are clacking, and a little girl outside just screamed. My children have left the building...

Twelve years ago we started the journey, parenthood, and it has gotten louder and louder ever since that day my oldest let out his first scream. I cried, daddy cried, gramma cried and it was one big happy family. Eleven and a half years later, and many hours of laughing, crying, talking, running, jumping on furniture, writing on walls, screaming, fighting, slamming doors, watching videos, playing games, eating lunch together, getting snowsuits on and taking them off five minutes later because someone forgot to pee, tying shoes, kissing booboos, hugging necks, tousling hair, putting children in the corner, discussing words NOT to use, dancing in the living room, making cookies with the kids, answering a zillion questions, kind of listening to descriptions of bike tricks being done in the alley or the cool airplane that just passed over head, restoring relationships between my kids and the neighbor kids, passing out homemade cookies, teaching math, reading and writing, etc., etc., etc., I get to hear the washing machine now.

I could say it's a beautiful sound. I could shout "GLORY HALLELUJAH, I can hear myself think." I could think of plenty of things to do with this old quiet I have rediscovered, and I am sure I will! But for now, I am basking in the memories of the noise, and watching the little ghosts come in and out of the house and run through the living room with muddy shoes on. Maybe tomorrow I'll do something with the quiet, but let me say good-bye to the noise today.

It will always be beautiful noise to me!

Trying to get out of the Funk!

As a mother, there are certain things that just stab you in the heart. I have been walking around with a knife in my heart for about two weeks now because my children are all going to school in 14 days.

Now, some may think that I am silly for feeling this way, or maybe a little crazy for not jumping for joy at the fact that I will be completely alone after almost twelve years of having children constantly with me. But, I am having such a hard time with letting them go in my heart. I taught the two younger ones school for their first two years and enjoyed doing just that. I was planning on teaching them for another year, but an opportunity arose to send all of my children to one school for a little bit more than sendig two to another. As much as I tried to run away from the idea, I couldn't pass it up, as our desire has been to place them all in school eventually.

So, what is wrong with this momma? I think some things are just difficult to put into words and this is one of those things. I worry about my kids. I cry over them. I pray for them, and I have always wanted to be there for them no matter what. We don't have a perfect family, and there are things I often see that I want to magically snap my fingers and fix. And despite the times when they are fighting or being crazy, or just plain naughty, I love having them home. I wish I could handle homeschooling all of them, but it is just too much for me-but it is also difficult at times to have two in school and two at home-I feel split in two.

I just don't want them to go. I know, I am crazy, right? All I have known how to do these past 12 years is be a stay-at-home mom. I am moving into this new phase of life and I am a bit nervous at the very least. I can see someone asking, "WHY???". I mean, I am going to have a quiet house-wow-what is that?? I will have an opportunity to work outside the home and help out financially. I may even be able to get my house in order and KEEP it that way.

Despite ALL of that, I feel like this. I know, I know, it will pass. And I will be just fine. But for now, I wallow in the muck of the unkown. I never did like going there, but it's probably a good thing for me to be getting out of my comfort zone!!

Feeling Blue

I don't know why, but the past few weeks have been very difficult for me. Our lives are going to change greatly this year as we put all four of our children in a private school. Summer is almost over, and the schedule has to go back to early bedtimes and early mornings. Time just keeps racing by, and I am not ready for it to go that fast, but I have no choice. I can't stop it.

I began looking through all of the pictures I took this summer to make an album on facebook, and realized once again what I have. I look into the faces in those pictures and I am in love all over again with the beautiful family that God has given me. I often have a problem looking at other people and their families and being jealous-jealous of the smiles on their faces, the vacations they took this year, the friends that they have, the things they have been able to do with their kids. It's silly, because I look at the wonderful pictures that I have of my family and see the same smiles and fun things that I see in other peoples pictures. That is the reminder from God that I have what He has given me and I need to be thankful for all that we have and all that we are!!

I think it has just been a difficult summer with my children. I haven't been feeling well, and they have been out of control. I have been lazy, and I have let alot of things go. I am feeling blue because I know that I need to get busy and work on behaviors, and attitudes. I am blue because I feel like we have not been together as a family as much as I would have liked this year. I am seeking joy and peace for this place we call our home, and I pray with all my heart that God grants that to me and guides me as I get down to business once again. I pray that God pulls me out of this pool of depression that I have been treading in.

I want to start writing again, but need the motivation to do so. I am hoping that when the kids go back to school, and my house is quiet, I can take a few months to regroup, clean my house, and breathe a little. On the other side of that, I don't know what's in store for me. I am a bit excited to find out. Meanwhile, life just keeps on moving along and before I know it I will be on that other side. See you there.

I'm still here-somewhere...

Not feeling well! I've been tired, physically and mentally. I have no energy and my house is a disaster. I get maybe a load or two of laundry done every day, and keep the kitchen kind of clean-and then I am ready for bed. It has been affecting me emotionally to the point that I am even getting tired of the kids being around me. That makes me sad because I love doing things with the kids all summer. We really have not done much this summer.

I think sometimes, I have so much to say, but I can't get it out of my head. And now, I need to go to bed. I just wanted to post so anyone who checks my blog, knows that I am not dead(internetly speaking). Goodnight.

All That I Am Thankful For...

Just wondering...

How did I get here? I could have been anything-done anything. I was a pre-med major who graduated with a bachelor's in science. I graduated with honors. But I was too afraid to take the MCAT's-the entrance exams into med school. I was tired of school-tired of studying-tired of being so far away. I fell in love with a wonderful man, got married and had four children. We are broke.

I find myself sitting here thinking, why didn't I? I find myself wondering why I had to be so afraid. It's not about the money. I have always been afraid. Afraid to try harder, to go farther, to give more, because I did not want to fail. No, I have not had a job in eleven years and the simple truth is, that I do not want to work at burger king, or wal-mart, or Taco John's. I am not sure what I want to do-I really don't want to work-I enjoy being home with my kids-and just being mom.

BUT, there's the money. Most mom's I know work because they have to. I think that is just the way it is now a days! I feel guilty for spending my husband's money, and not working myself-especially because we have so little of it.

I feel like a failure tonight. I feel lost. I am afraid of going out in the world and working, but I feel guilty for not. I feel like I don't know how to do anything that would matter to anyone who would want to pay me to do it.

I know that it is not a waste of my time to raise my kids-to be here for them-but why do I feel so guilty about not working? Probably, because we are broke right now.

I need to learn be content with were I am!! Why does that have to be so hard? I am just so unsure of so much right now. So I am wondering what it is I am supposed to be learning right now. I sometimes wish I was strong like some other women I know-but I also know I am not alone in being the shy quiet fearful type. I now think I truly understand that necessity really IS the mother of invention!!

A case of the BLAHS

School is out, summer's here-and I just feel so blah! I do not know why. I can't seem to get anything done around here but the basics. I feel like the kids are running around with their heads cut off-they seem to be fighting alot this week. I know I need to plan my days better, but for some reason, now that I am done with lessons with Aust and Mik, My routine is gone-and I have to start over and I am struggling. The kids have been out of school for two weeks now, and I know I need a better routine. You'd think I would have it down by now. Well, I don't.

Enough about me. :-) My Dad went into the hospital the other night thinking he had kidney stones, only to find out he has a mass on his kidney. That's all I really know for sure and I hate having to wait to find out more. I am not close to my dad. I have always wanted to have a father daughter bond with him, but he is a difficult man. In spite of that, I have this anxious need to know everything that is going on with him, and it just doesn't happen that fast. It takes time to find out. So I am waiting.

I am not emotional. I don't know what I am. Anxious is the best way to describe it, I guess. I will tell more when I know more.

I know I have not been blogging lately. I don't have much to say. Not that there isn't anything going on-I just don't know what to say. I don't think anyone cares if I go to the park, or clean my basement-so I will spare you, heehee. No really, I just don't have that exciting of a life. I am just keeping my head above water you know. I wake up, do what I gotta do, and go to bed. That's me right now. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in myself. My pitiful self. Ugh.

I plan on trying to have better habits but I have to fight my laziness. My daily routines are way out of wack and I have no ambition to change that. I know that it will change simply because it has to for my family-but I take my time as usual to change it because I am LAZY. Oh see, now I am back on me-what a waste of time.

A better topic-a friend and I did something nice for another friend and we SO enjoyed it!! I just had to share that-I was so excited to hear how happy she was. She had this HUGE home improvement project started that she had been unable to finish for many months now. It was her two girls upstairs bedroom-and the girls were sleeping in the living room all this time. It was a big stressor for her. Well, she went on vacation for two weeks and we cleaned it up, had some men just about finish it, and we organized it. Oh, it was so much fun and I would do it again in a heartbeat!! She was so happy and emotional about it. We saved her alot of work and stress! But I encourage you-if you ever get the chance to help someone out like that-do it. Don't even hesitate! It was good for us-and for the kids. We love you T!! I would post pictures but I am having trouble right now. Maybe next time.

I have to go-it's late. Until next time-love ya all!