Today, on my way home, I had the pleasure of seeing frosted trees stuck in the snow like candles in a birthday cake. From the warmth of my car, as I listened to inspiring songs on my radio, the sun gently nudged flakes of old snow down from those trees onto my windshield. I took my time driving through the countryside, admiring the beauty of winter around me, and smiling at the fact that I could do such a thing from a cozy warm place.
Lately, my mind has been wrapped around suffering. Or, rather the idea of it. People who suffer. What makes them smile, if anything. A cold cup of fresh, clean water? A bowl of mushy food? A warm blanket in the dead of winter? A dollar bill from the hand of a stranger? I think about it, and my heart hurts.
Not for me, but for people. So many people in the world today are suffering. I mean the real kind, when you're so hungry your belly swells, or you're so cold you lose feeling in your fingers. Some people are so sick they fight for each breath. Some people are so beaten down that they think they are worthless creatures.
It's all talk, I know, but my heart still hurts. So much so, that I have asked myself lately what in the world could someone like me do to help, if anything. I have my own problems in my own little world that need my attention. But is there something I could do?
The only thing I have is me, and some time. I have words but they are not worth much to most people. I hope that this year, God would give me something important to do alongside the importance of mothering, homemaking, and helping other people out once in a while. I hope that other people get the same opportunity and jump in. Who knows what could happen if we give up some of life's pleasures to soothe other's suffering.
Amidst the work of comforting the sufferer, I know there is joy. Pleasure that far surpasses a countryside full of snow and frosted trees. God's love can reach the deepest recesses of human pain and agony when someone touches that suffering with simple things. Simple things that so many of us often forget we need because we have them so freely.
I have no more words, only thoughts. Thoughts towards the sufferers of the world. And thanksgiving for frosted trees stuck in snow like candles in cake.
Finding Joy in My Investments
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I the words of a famous friend, "Shoot Me Please!".
I am not a self-motivator. I come up with all these grand schemes that never come to fruition because I lack the ambition to carry them through. The excitement that comes from thinking up the idea is never enough to employ it. Once I think it all out and organze it on paper, I fizzle out and move on to the next big idea. I am an idea person. That's not a bad thing, it's just not a good thing without the other side of the coin-the motivator.
When I homeschooled, I used to sit in bed a month before the school year was to start and write all my wonderful, amazing ideas for the year down in my handy notebook, where most of them would stay and be forgotten. I would find them halfway through the school year and think, "Boy, that sure would have been a cool thing to do." and then put the notebook away to be found next year when I would add my latest inventive notions.
My most recent thoughtful endeavor was a plan for business. You know, the kind that makes money(Which, by the way, I am not very good at unless it's on paper. Then, it looks quite profitable). I bet you are just dying to hear the big idea, or not. Either way I guess I can say it. Maybe. No, I better not. I still might put some energy into that one. Maybe.
The point is, I am not a self-motivated person. I am usually motivated by others, necessity, anger or guilt. And maybe most people are the same as I, who knows. I just know that I want more in life, but have not the motivation behind it, yet.
I would like to make money, but doing something I am interested in doing. I understand that probably most people in the world aren't that fortunate. They do what they have to do to take care of their families. But I have that luxury for the time being. I don't absolutely have to work, but I want to help out my family financially, somehow. I don't want a desk job and I don't want to flip burgers. So what else is there for someone like me? Child-care? Pet sitting? Window washing? Student(this one I am not too thrilled about, but it may be necessary.)? I really have not had that "aha" moment when I see it all clear as day. Then again maybe most people don't. They just do what they have to do. But you know, I am not most people, and I really want my "aha" moment because then I, the unmotivated, would know what to do.
It would be easy to think that I am just stalling. I mean, after all, it's a scary world out there and I'm a bit shy about working again. I never really had a great job that I loved, or made much money doing. But when I think about all the things a parent of four has to do that involves some sort of payment obligation, I cringe and think, "something's gotta give." And that something, I suppose, is me.
I am all for working, mind you. It's all the stuff you have to do to get to that point that makes me want to run, screaming and flailing my arms. I am terrified, never mind motivated. Does anybody have a rich uncle who needs a gardener or a window washer?
I feel like I did in the 9th grade, just before I had to give my very first speech ever. It was pretty bad, but I was motivated to get up there by my teacher and my report card. What's it going to take for me to just jump in and try this time around? Your guess is as good as mine, but it will come, eventually. Thanks for putting up with me until that eventful day, far off on the distant horizon. Can I make this thing go any slower? Please?
I think, until that day, I always have my notebook full of ideas to keep me company. (Somebody please save me from myself!)
When I homeschooled, I used to sit in bed a month before the school year was to start and write all my wonderful, amazing ideas for the year down in my handy notebook, where most of them would stay and be forgotten. I would find them halfway through the school year and think, "Boy, that sure would have been a cool thing to do." and then put the notebook away to be found next year when I would add my latest inventive notions.
My most recent thoughtful endeavor was a plan for business. You know, the kind that makes money(Which, by the way, I am not very good at unless it's on paper. Then, it looks quite profitable). I bet you are just dying to hear the big idea, or not. Either way I guess I can say it. Maybe. No, I better not. I still might put some energy into that one. Maybe.
The point is, I am not a self-motivated person. I am usually motivated by others, necessity, anger or guilt. And maybe most people are the same as I, who knows. I just know that I want more in life, but have not the motivation behind it, yet.
I would like to make money, but doing something I am interested in doing. I understand that probably most people in the world aren't that fortunate. They do what they have to do to take care of their families. But I have that luxury for the time being. I don't absolutely have to work, but I want to help out my family financially, somehow. I don't want a desk job and I don't want to flip burgers. So what else is there for someone like me? Child-care? Pet sitting? Window washing? Student(this one I am not too thrilled about, but it may be necessary.)? I really have not had that "aha" moment when I see it all clear as day. Then again maybe most people don't. They just do what they have to do. But you know, I am not most people, and I really want my "aha" moment because then I, the unmotivated, would know what to do.
It would be easy to think that I am just stalling. I mean, after all, it's a scary world out there and I'm a bit shy about working again. I never really had a great job that I loved, or made much money doing. But when I think about all the things a parent of four has to do that involves some sort of payment obligation, I cringe and think, "something's gotta give." And that something, I suppose, is me.
I am all for working, mind you. It's all the stuff you have to do to get to that point that makes me want to run, screaming and flailing my arms. I am terrified, never mind motivated. Does anybody have a rich uncle who needs a gardener or a window washer?
I feel like I did in the 9th grade, just before I had to give my very first speech ever. It was pretty bad, but I was motivated to get up there by my teacher and my report card. What's it going to take for me to just jump in and try this time around? Your guess is as good as mine, but it will come, eventually. Thanks for putting up with me until that eventful day, far off on the distant horizon. Can I make this thing go any slower? Please?
I think, until that day, I always have my notebook full of ideas to keep me company. (Somebody please save me from myself!)
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
On Blogging...
I am going to humor some and try to write a post. To be honest, there are a thousand things that I could most likely write about, however I either lack interest in the subject or I fear it would simply be too deep a subject to limit to the size of a blog.
No really, I think I am a mess in my head. It's just one big pile of blah, and even though I am trying to eek out a post I do not think I am succeeding at saying anything worthy of the written word.
I have stayed away from writing for a long time now. I used to have so much more to say when I was lamenting about a dozen or more things in my life, but I have been trying not to complain or dwell on negative things. Hence, I do not have much to write about seeing that I have drawn upon those emotions of discontent so many times in the past and no longer wish to draw on them.
I have never been one to enjoy writing about the daily tasks of life like doing laundry or cooking dinner, which some have notably succeeded in entertaining, or encouraging others with. I would rather ask questions like, "What is the meaning of life?" and take a crack at answering them. But I have found that the deeper conversations I have tried to have fall flat because of the lack of interest in them. And as soon as I turn to cooking, cleaning, and raising kids, there it is. Everyone shows up and we have a conversation. Maybe because that is where we find the answers to the big questions.
As a matter of fact, as I write I am thinking, "I should really be doing some cleaning and laundry right now!!!" But I don't want to. I want to try to write this post.
Maybe we all write posts for different reasons. But I think one of the biggest for me is to give others more insight as to who I am. I often go inward, to the deeper parts of me and wonder if anyone else out there gets me, or the fact that I even have these deeper recesses. Sometimes they are lonely places, but maybe we all have these deep lonely places in us that we wish would be filled with the warmth of friendship and understanding.
Probably the biggest reason why I blog is the hope that something I have to say could affect someone so intimately as to make them think, or know that they are not alone in their feelings and there is nothing in this life that has not touched another as it has touched themselves. I believe the word is empathy-the power to enter into the feelings or spirit of others.
Blogging, for me, did not start out that way. I began to blog years ago in an attempt to help myself work out the lonely and often depressing feelings I had as a young mom raising and homeschooling four children, while having no clue what she was doing. I was trying to get a clue.
Now, I find it harder to blog because I do not need the therapuetic affects of the blog, but would rather help others. That's a taller order, even though I realize that sharing my struggles can help others.
Well, I believe that I have reached the point of a sufficient blog. What a way to end this post, huh? I think it started off way better than it ended. But I am out of steam and I really do need to get something worthwhile done today!! Not that blogging isn't worth something. What, I am still not sure-at least not my blogging. I bid you, Good Day!
No really, I think I am a mess in my head. It's just one big pile of blah, and even though I am trying to eek out a post I do not think I am succeeding at saying anything worthy of the written word.
I have stayed away from writing for a long time now. I used to have so much more to say when I was lamenting about a dozen or more things in my life, but I have been trying not to complain or dwell on negative things. Hence, I do not have much to write about seeing that I have drawn upon those emotions of discontent so many times in the past and no longer wish to draw on them.
I have never been one to enjoy writing about the daily tasks of life like doing laundry or cooking dinner, which some have notably succeeded in entertaining, or encouraging others with. I would rather ask questions like, "What is the meaning of life?" and take a crack at answering them. But I have found that the deeper conversations I have tried to have fall flat because of the lack of interest in them. And as soon as I turn to cooking, cleaning, and raising kids, there it is. Everyone shows up and we have a conversation. Maybe because that is where we find the answers to the big questions.
As a matter of fact, as I write I am thinking, "I should really be doing some cleaning and laundry right now!!!" But I don't want to. I want to try to write this post.
Maybe we all write posts for different reasons. But I think one of the biggest for me is to give others more insight as to who I am. I often go inward, to the deeper parts of me and wonder if anyone else out there gets me, or the fact that I even have these deeper recesses. Sometimes they are lonely places, but maybe we all have these deep lonely places in us that we wish would be filled with the warmth of friendship and understanding.
Probably the biggest reason why I blog is the hope that something I have to say could affect someone so intimately as to make them think, or know that they are not alone in their feelings and there is nothing in this life that has not touched another as it has touched themselves. I believe the word is empathy-the power to enter into the feelings or spirit of others.
Blogging, for me, did not start out that way. I began to blog years ago in an attempt to help myself work out the lonely and often depressing feelings I had as a young mom raising and homeschooling four children, while having no clue what she was doing. I was trying to get a clue.
Now, I find it harder to blog because I do not need the therapuetic affects of the blog, but would rather help others. That's a taller order, even though I realize that sharing my struggles can help others.
Well, I believe that I have reached the point of a sufficient blog. What a way to end this post, huh? I think it started off way better than it ended. But I am out of steam and I really do need to get something worthwhile done today!! Not that blogging isn't worth something. What, I am still not sure-at least not my blogging. I bid you, Good Day!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Friday, April 16, 2010
My Guy
On April 15th, twelve years ago, my first child, came into the world, and it's hard to believe he is turning into a young man. Isaac is an amazing kid, and I admire the wonderful qualities that God has given him. I look forward to watching him turn into a man, although I am a little nervous about the transition. But we all have to go through it, and hopefully he will come out on the other side no worse for the wear. Happy Birthday, kiddo!!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
So Out of Touch
Lately, the fight has been against myself. The battle that rages is a battle I have been fighting for years now, and I think there was a time when blogging had helped relieve some of the stress of this battle. So I am blogging about my battle once again.
It is a battle against depression. If you have ever watched cartoons, you might be familiar with a character that was often beneath a small raincloud that followed him everywhere he went. I seem to have one of those, and I have struggled for a long time trying to fight it off.
If you have ever had one of these clouds, then you already know that they are greatly misunderstood, especially by those who are perpetually followed by sunbeams and rainbows. They come and go as they please and you don't always know when one is on it's way, although sometimes you can smell it coming like rain on asphalt. There are things you can do to prevent the cloud or lessen it's effects, but you can't make it dissappear altogether, although the Lord knows you have tried, and prayed and cried many tears.
That little cloud came to me today and made the skies gray and dreary. Why? I have no idea. Maybe if I hired someone to therapize me I could find out. It could be that I didn't get much sleep last night, and I feel physically yucky today. It could be that the kids are home and they woke up running, playing, and loud, which I was not in the mood for this morning. It could just be that there is no reasonable explanation but that silly little cloud over my brain that makes me feel trapped inside myself for the day.
The depression is possibly something God has given me to keep me humble. I have thought about this for so long because I have prayed for God to take it away and He has not. Being depressed affects every aspect of a person's life, and I am thankful for the fact that this depression is not constantly on my doorstep, but when it does come, it hurts. It makes me crazy, or lazy, or both. I don't want to be around people, even my kids, sadly. It's almost like being in a bubble. Everything is going on around you but you're inside your own head trying to get out.
It may sound horrible, but when you live with it, you have to learn how to deal with it. I have learned how to wait for it to pass, because it always does. I have learned that it does not define who I am, but masks who I truly am. I am still learning to talk about things. It is so funny how someone who loves words as much as I do would have so much trouble talking. I am learning that God has a reason for everything in my life, including the clouds. I am learning to trust Him more, and lean on people less, although He has blessed me with some truly amazing people in my life.
I am not sure why I am blogging about my battle. Possibly, I am hoping it will help to talk about it. Or that others might understand me a little better. I am like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. I don't exactly like being Eeyore. I often hate it. But I don't know how to be any different-yet. I get jealous of people that seem to be so cheery all the time. People that seem to find the silver lining everywhere they go, in every cloud they see, if perchance they even see one amidst the sunshine and rainbows.
Lately, I am just battling. Getting up and doing basic things that need to be done every day. Waiting for it to pass. Praying for God to take it away.
I am okay. I have dealt with this for a long time and it is just life for me and for my family. And like I said, you have to learn how to deal with it.
So we are dealing and it's okay, and God is good, and the sun still comes up every day and the seasons change and the world spins and life goes on. :) That's what keeps me going. Knowing God is in control, and being surrounded by so many wonderful people-especially my husband and children helps...just a little.
So now, I'm going to go to bed and we'll see what a new day holds for me and the kids. Tomorrow is always another chance at the day.
It is a battle against depression. If you have ever watched cartoons, you might be familiar with a character that was often beneath a small raincloud that followed him everywhere he went. I seem to have one of those, and I have struggled for a long time trying to fight it off.
If you have ever had one of these clouds, then you already know that they are greatly misunderstood, especially by those who are perpetually followed by sunbeams and rainbows. They come and go as they please and you don't always know when one is on it's way, although sometimes you can smell it coming like rain on asphalt. There are things you can do to prevent the cloud or lessen it's effects, but you can't make it dissappear altogether, although the Lord knows you have tried, and prayed and cried many tears.
That little cloud came to me today and made the skies gray and dreary. Why? I have no idea. Maybe if I hired someone to therapize me I could find out. It could be that I didn't get much sleep last night, and I feel physically yucky today. It could be that the kids are home and they woke up running, playing, and loud, which I was not in the mood for this morning. It could just be that there is no reasonable explanation but that silly little cloud over my brain that makes me feel trapped inside myself for the day.
The depression is possibly something God has given me to keep me humble. I have thought about this for so long because I have prayed for God to take it away and He has not. Being depressed affects every aspect of a person's life, and I am thankful for the fact that this depression is not constantly on my doorstep, but when it does come, it hurts. It makes me crazy, or lazy, or both. I don't want to be around people, even my kids, sadly. It's almost like being in a bubble. Everything is going on around you but you're inside your own head trying to get out.
It may sound horrible, but when you live with it, you have to learn how to deal with it. I have learned how to wait for it to pass, because it always does. I have learned that it does not define who I am, but masks who I truly am. I am still learning to talk about things. It is so funny how someone who loves words as much as I do would have so much trouble talking. I am learning that God has a reason for everything in my life, including the clouds. I am learning to trust Him more, and lean on people less, although He has blessed me with some truly amazing people in my life.
I am not sure why I am blogging about my battle. Possibly, I am hoping it will help to talk about it. Or that others might understand me a little better. I am like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. I don't exactly like being Eeyore. I often hate it. But I don't know how to be any different-yet. I get jealous of people that seem to be so cheery all the time. People that seem to find the silver lining everywhere they go, in every cloud they see, if perchance they even see one amidst the sunshine and rainbows.
Lately, I am just battling. Getting up and doing basic things that need to be done every day. Waiting for it to pass. Praying for God to take it away.
I am okay. I have dealt with this for a long time and it is just life for me and for my family. And like I said, you have to learn how to deal with it.
So we are dealing and it's okay, and God is good, and the sun still comes up every day and the seasons change and the world spins and life goes on. :) That's what keeps me going. Knowing God is in control, and being surrounded by so many wonderful people-especially my husband and children helps...just a little.
So now, I'm going to go to bed and we'll see what a new day holds for me and the kids. Tomorrow is always another chance at the day.
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