I am 36. I have 4 children. I don't work outside the home. I am married to an assistant pastor.
That is who I am. But it isn't all of me. You probably wouldn't want to know all of me. As a matter of fact, there are few people who truly know what is rolled up into the package of me and still love me.
To be honest, how many of us want to know all of someone? I mean the deep heart issues that belong to a person and make them who they are.
People who know me and want to know me make me smile and laugh and cry and enjoy life. We click, mesh, walk together through the mire and mud of every day and understand that sometimes there won't be hearts and roses. Sometimes there are briers and thorns that hurt, and hurt bad.
I know that it is not even remotely possible to know very many people in this manner. The very thought of knowing too many people intimately fries my brain. I couldn't give all af me to everyone and take all of everyone else. To begin with no one has that kind of time or energy, but I don't believe that is what God asks us to do at all.
I do believe that God asks us to have that kind of spirit! The spirit that could know anyone intimately and still love them. His Son had it and we are suppose to emulate who He was. I really think that is what unconditional love is all about.
Are you too good for someone. I have been too good for people before. I think I still find myself at times stumbling into that net and batting my way out after I come to my senses.
Has anyone ever decided to share something with you that made you gasp and feel the urge to get them some counseling if they would let you? Oh, I sure can remember times when I made that mistake.
I have also decided on many occasions not to share my questions, concerns or problems with even people who love me dearly because of what may happen when I do.
My question is, should we as Christians approach everyone we ever come in contact with, with the idea that they are to be loved unconditionally, accepted without accusation, and befriended in honesty?
Do we approach everyone this way? How in the world is that even possible, if it is even possible?
People are people. But sometimes we don't expect people to be people. We expect them to be god-like or saintly, maybe even angelic as they live their daily lives. We think that they are perfect. And we find it hard to love them any other way than what we see them as.
Sometimes we expect them to be horrible, awful rotten sinners. And we love them in word but maybe not in deed. We do our charity work for the month for their sake, and then we can dust our hands off after we are done with that mess.
The way I see it, we are all trying to find our way in this world and some people have it easier than others, and some people have it harder. We are all just here together. How are we supposed to deal with each other?
I have come to the realization that I am just this vessel that God made, and so are you, and so are they. It isn't my job to fix everyone's cracks and if I try to do that, I will never truly know anyone intimately.
I am commanded to love, have joy, be peaceful, be patient, be gentle, be good, be humble, be self-controlled. I am reminded to be tender-hearted, forgiving and kind. I am taught to bear the burdens of others and not to judge the decisions that others make. If perchance, I desire to admonish someone, than what better way to be in a position to do that than to be an intimate friend of theirs. In Christ, we are supposed to be brothers and sisters, and I can tell you something you already know: Brothers and sisters know each other very intimately.
I have no idea where to end. I barely knew how to begin. I just know that I want to be loved and understood as much as the next guy, and the next guy wants that too. It's what we need and what usually ends up curing a lost and forlorn soul-the spirit of unconditional love. As the children of God, that should be what we are to others.
Finding Joy in My Investments
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Lalalalalalala....
I feel a blog or two coming on. I want to blog so bad!! I just don't have the internet at home right now! I have so many things in my heart, in my mind. So many things I want to say, so little time at the library. I cannot spend my life at the library you know. I have been wanting to write and I plan to do more of it but I don't know when or how often. So I will see you then. I hope that I can bring words to this blog that will comfort and encourage, words that will lift up and give peace. I pray for that. This is not a therapy for me any more. This is a voice and I feel I should use it for something good. I am going to try. Until then... tata.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Christmas Afterthoughts
Today, on my way home, I had the pleasure of seeing frosted trees stuck in the snow like candles in a birthday cake. From the warmth of my car, as I listened to inspiring songs on my radio, the sun gently nudged flakes of old snow down from those trees onto my windshield. I took my time driving through the countryside, admiring the beauty of winter around me, and smiling at the fact that I could do such a thing from a cozy warm place.
Lately, my mind has been wrapped around suffering. Or, rather the idea of it. People who suffer. What makes them smile, if anything. A cold cup of fresh, clean water? A bowl of mushy food? A warm blanket in the dead of winter? A dollar bill from the hand of a stranger? I think about it, and my heart hurts.
Not for me, but for people. So many people in the world today are suffering. I mean the real kind, when you're so hungry your belly swells, or you're so cold you lose feeling in your fingers. Some people are so sick they fight for each breath. Some people are so beaten down that they think they are worthless creatures.
It's all talk, I know, but my heart still hurts. So much so, that I have asked myself lately what in the world could someone like me do to help, if anything. I have my own problems in my own little world that need my attention. But is there something I could do?
The only thing I have is me, and some time. I have words but they are not worth much to most people. I hope that this year, God would give me something important to do alongside the importance of mothering, homemaking, and helping other people out once in a while. I hope that other people get the same opportunity and jump in. Who knows what could happen if we give up some of life's pleasures to soothe other's suffering.
Amidst the work of comforting the sufferer, I know there is joy. Pleasure that far surpasses a countryside full of snow and frosted trees. God's love can reach the deepest recesses of human pain and agony when someone touches that suffering with simple things. Simple things that so many of us often forget we need because we have them so freely.
I have no more words, only thoughts. Thoughts towards the sufferers of the world. And thanksgiving for frosted trees stuck in snow like candles in cake.
Lately, my mind has been wrapped around suffering. Or, rather the idea of it. People who suffer. What makes them smile, if anything. A cold cup of fresh, clean water? A bowl of mushy food? A warm blanket in the dead of winter? A dollar bill from the hand of a stranger? I think about it, and my heart hurts.
Not for me, but for people. So many people in the world today are suffering. I mean the real kind, when you're so hungry your belly swells, or you're so cold you lose feeling in your fingers. Some people are so sick they fight for each breath. Some people are so beaten down that they think they are worthless creatures.
It's all talk, I know, but my heart still hurts. So much so, that I have asked myself lately what in the world could someone like me do to help, if anything. I have my own problems in my own little world that need my attention. But is there something I could do?
The only thing I have is me, and some time. I have words but they are not worth much to most people. I hope that this year, God would give me something important to do alongside the importance of mothering, homemaking, and helping other people out once in a while. I hope that other people get the same opportunity and jump in. Who knows what could happen if we give up some of life's pleasures to soothe other's suffering.
Amidst the work of comforting the sufferer, I know there is joy. Pleasure that far surpasses a countryside full of snow and frosted trees. God's love can reach the deepest recesses of human pain and agony when someone touches that suffering with simple things. Simple things that so many of us often forget we need because we have them so freely.
I have no more words, only thoughts. Thoughts towards the sufferers of the world. And thanksgiving for frosted trees stuck in snow like candles in cake.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
I the words of a famous friend, "Shoot Me Please!".
I am not a self-motivator. I come up with all these grand schemes that never come to fruition because I lack the ambition to carry them through. The excitement that comes from thinking up the idea is never enough to employ it. Once I think it all out and organze it on paper, I fizzle out and move on to the next big idea. I am an idea person. That's not a bad thing, it's just not a good thing without the other side of the coin-the motivator.
When I homeschooled, I used to sit in bed a month before the school year was to start and write all my wonderful, amazing ideas for the year down in my handy notebook, where most of them would stay and be forgotten. I would find them halfway through the school year and think, "Boy, that sure would have been a cool thing to do." and then put the notebook away to be found next year when I would add my latest inventive notions.
My most recent thoughtful endeavor was a plan for business. You know, the kind that makes money(Which, by the way, I am not very good at unless it's on paper. Then, it looks quite profitable). I bet you are just dying to hear the big idea, or not. Either way I guess I can say it. Maybe. No, I better not. I still might put some energy into that one. Maybe.
The point is, I am not a self-motivated person. I am usually motivated by others, necessity, anger or guilt. And maybe most people are the same as I, who knows. I just know that I want more in life, but have not the motivation behind it, yet.
I would like to make money, but doing something I am interested in doing. I understand that probably most people in the world aren't that fortunate. They do what they have to do to take care of their families. But I have that luxury for the time being. I don't absolutely have to work, but I want to help out my family financially, somehow. I don't want a desk job and I don't want to flip burgers. So what else is there for someone like me? Child-care? Pet sitting? Window washing? Student(this one I am not too thrilled about, but it may be necessary.)? I really have not had that "aha" moment when I see it all clear as day. Then again maybe most people don't. They just do what they have to do. But you know, I am not most people, and I really want my "aha" moment because then I, the unmotivated, would know what to do.
It would be easy to think that I am just stalling. I mean, after all, it's a scary world out there and I'm a bit shy about working again. I never really had a great job that I loved, or made much money doing. But when I think about all the things a parent of four has to do that involves some sort of payment obligation, I cringe and think, "something's gotta give." And that something, I suppose, is me.
I am all for working, mind you. It's all the stuff you have to do to get to that point that makes me want to run, screaming and flailing my arms. I am terrified, never mind motivated. Does anybody have a rich uncle who needs a gardener or a window washer?
I feel like I did in the 9th grade, just before I had to give my very first speech ever. It was pretty bad, but I was motivated to get up there by my teacher and my report card. What's it going to take for me to just jump in and try this time around? Your guess is as good as mine, but it will come, eventually. Thanks for putting up with me until that eventful day, far off on the distant horizon. Can I make this thing go any slower? Please?
I think, until that day, I always have my notebook full of ideas to keep me company. (Somebody please save me from myself!)
When I homeschooled, I used to sit in bed a month before the school year was to start and write all my wonderful, amazing ideas for the year down in my handy notebook, where most of them would stay and be forgotten. I would find them halfway through the school year and think, "Boy, that sure would have been a cool thing to do." and then put the notebook away to be found next year when I would add my latest inventive notions.
My most recent thoughtful endeavor was a plan for business. You know, the kind that makes money(Which, by the way, I am not very good at unless it's on paper. Then, it looks quite profitable). I bet you are just dying to hear the big idea, or not. Either way I guess I can say it. Maybe. No, I better not. I still might put some energy into that one. Maybe.
The point is, I am not a self-motivated person. I am usually motivated by others, necessity, anger or guilt. And maybe most people are the same as I, who knows. I just know that I want more in life, but have not the motivation behind it, yet.
I would like to make money, but doing something I am interested in doing. I understand that probably most people in the world aren't that fortunate. They do what they have to do to take care of their families. But I have that luxury for the time being. I don't absolutely have to work, but I want to help out my family financially, somehow. I don't want a desk job and I don't want to flip burgers. So what else is there for someone like me? Child-care? Pet sitting? Window washing? Student(this one I am not too thrilled about, but it may be necessary.)? I really have not had that "aha" moment when I see it all clear as day. Then again maybe most people don't. They just do what they have to do. But you know, I am not most people, and I really want my "aha" moment because then I, the unmotivated, would know what to do.
It would be easy to think that I am just stalling. I mean, after all, it's a scary world out there and I'm a bit shy about working again. I never really had a great job that I loved, or made much money doing. But when I think about all the things a parent of four has to do that involves some sort of payment obligation, I cringe and think, "something's gotta give." And that something, I suppose, is me.
I am all for working, mind you. It's all the stuff you have to do to get to that point that makes me want to run, screaming and flailing my arms. I am terrified, never mind motivated. Does anybody have a rich uncle who needs a gardener or a window washer?
I feel like I did in the 9th grade, just before I had to give my very first speech ever. It was pretty bad, but I was motivated to get up there by my teacher and my report card. What's it going to take for me to just jump in and try this time around? Your guess is as good as mine, but it will come, eventually. Thanks for putting up with me until that eventful day, far off on the distant horizon. Can I make this thing go any slower? Please?
I think, until that day, I always have my notebook full of ideas to keep me company. (Somebody please save me from myself!)
Thursday, September 9, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
On Blogging...
I am going to humor some and try to write a post. To be honest, there are a thousand things that I could most likely write about, however I either lack interest in the subject or I fear it would simply be too deep a subject to limit to the size of a blog.
No really, I think I am a mess in my head. It's just one big pile of blah, and even though I am trying to eek out a post I do not think I am succeeding at saying anything worthy of the written word.
I have stayed away from writing for a long time now. I used to have so much more to say when I was lamenting about a dozen or more things in my life, but I have been trying not to complain or dwell on negative things. Hence, I do not have much to write about seeing that I have drawn upon those emotions of discontent so many times in the past and no longer wish to draw on them.
I have never been one to enjoy writing about the daily tasks of life like doing laundry or cooking dinner, which some have notably succeeded in entertaining, or encouraging others with. I would rather ask questions like, "What is the meaning of life?" and take a crack at answering them. But I have found that the deeper conversations I have tried to have fall flat because of the lack of interest in them. And as soon as I turn to cooking, cleaning, and raising kids, there it is. Everyone shows up and we have a conversation. Maybe because that is where we find the answers to the big questions.
As a matter of fact, as I write I am thinking, "I should really be doing some cleaning and laundry right now!!!" But I don't want to. I want to try to write this post.
Maybe we all write posts for different reasons. But I think one of the biggest for me is to give others more insight as to who I am. I often go inward, to the deeper parts of me and wonder if anyone else out there gets me, or the fact that I even have these deeper recesses. Sometimes they are lonely places, but maybe we all have these deep lonely places in us that we wish would be filled with the warmth of friendship and understanding.
Probably the biggest reason why I blog is the hope that something I have to say could affect someone so intimately as to make them think, or know that they are not alone in their feelings and there is nothing in this life that has not touched another as it has touched themselves. I believe the word is empathy-the power to enter into the feelings or spirit of others.
Blogging, for me, did not start out that way. I began to blog years ago in an attempt to help myself work out the lonely and often depressing feelings I had as a young mom raising and homeschooling four children, while having no clue what she was doing. I was trying to get a clue.
Now, I find it harder to blog because I do not need the therapuetic affects of the blog, but would rather help others. That's a taller order, even though I realize that sharing my struggles can help others.
Well, I believe that I have reached the point of a sufficient blog. What a way to end this post, huh? I think it started off way better than it ended. But I am out of steam and I really do need to get something worthwhile done today!! Not that blogging isn't worth something. What, I am still not sure-at least not my blogging. I bid you, Good Day!
No really, I think I am a mess in my head. It's just one big pile of blah, and even though I am trying to eek out a post I do not think I am succeeding at saying anything worthy of the written word.
I have stayed away from writing for a long time now. I used to have so much more to say when I was lamenting about a dozen or more things in my life, but I have been trying not to complain or dwell on negative things. Hence, I do not have much to write about seeing that I have drawn upon those emotions of discontent so many times in the past and no longer wish to draw on them.
I have never been one to enjoy writing about the daily tasks of life like doing laundry or cooking dinner, which some have notably succeeded in entertaining, or encouraging others with. I would rather ask questions like, "What is the meaning of life?" and take a crack at answering them. But I have found that the deeper conversations I have tried to have fall flat because of the lack of interest in them. And as soon as I turn to cooking, cleaning, and raising kids, there it is. Everyone shows up and we have a conversation. Maybe because that is where we find the answers to the big questions.
As a matter of fact, as I write I am thinking, "I should really be doing some cleaning and laundry right now!!!" But I don't want to. I want to try to write this post.
Maybe we all write posts for different reasons. But I think one of the biggest for me is to give others more insight as to who I am. I often go inward, to the deeper parts of me and wonder if anyone else out there gets me, or the fact that I even have these deeper recesses. Sometimes they are lonely places, but maybe we all have these deep lonely places in us that we wish would be filled with the warmth of friendship and understanding.
Probably the biggest reason why I blog is the hope that something I have to say could affect someone so intimately as to make them think, or know that they are not alone in their feelings and there is nothing in this life that has not touched another as it has touched themselves. I believe the word is empathy-the power to enter into the feelings or spirit of others.
Blogging, for me, did not start out that way. I began to blog years ago in an attempt to help myself work out the lonely and often depressing feelings I had as a young mom raising and homeschooling four children, while having no clue what she was doing. I was trying to get a clue.
Now, I find it harder to blog because I do not need the therapuetic affects of the blog, but would rather help others. That's a taller order, even though I realize that sharing my struggles can help others.
Well, I believe that I have reached the point of a sufficient blog. What a way to end this post, huh? I think it started off way better than it ended. But I am out of steam and I really do need to get something worthwhile done today!! Not that blogging isn't worth something. What, I am still not sure-at least not my blogging. I bid you, Good Day!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
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