A not so cheery Christmas

The pine needles on my Christmas tree are weepy. The blasts of heat from the furnace stir the cold air in the room. I am listening to someone's Christmas music, yet the sentiment is not cheer, but sad, hopeful, meditation.

My life has changed, and it just so happens that it's Christmas. Last week, I lost the father I never really liked. I wanted to say that I never really knew him, which is partly true, but I knew alot about him. And I loved him. I pitied him. He lost so much joy in his life because of his bitterness and anger. He never got to share in the joys that we all wished he would have. Marriages, babies, family gatherings, Holiday sentiments...my father did not participate with his heart. I think that's all we wanted as kids-a daddy's heart.

Now My Dad is not with us anymore and it's as if the veil has been lifted. So many things unsaid have begun to be said. So many feelings unknown have begun to flow. And life goes on. But now there is a warmth, a sentimental feeling that was barred in my fathers life. In his death, he brought five people together that have been together physically, but not in heart. We now have a mutual pain, a mutual feeling we can all relate to. I have hope in the sadness this Christmas, because of the healing I believe has come to our family. It has begun and I pray it continues!!

Part of the sadness is that I live 1,000 miles away form my brothers. I finally see a glimmer of hope and I am too far away to really capitalize on that prospect. Our planned trip to see everyone at Christmas is looking less plausible by the moment. Money is scarce this year, as I know it is for many many other people. Gifts for anyone or anything are the farthest thing from my mind!!

The tears have finally come today, and I wondered if they ever would. Death is never a joyous occassion, but at Christmas it strikes the nerve a bit harder, and the heart mourns a bit deeper. It's Christmas. Christmas. Just saying the word conjurs up visions in the mind of things pleasant.

So, I am trying, amidst the sad but hopeful meditations of my heart, to look at the pleasant things, to soak them in, and drown out the cold, sad sentiments that chill me today. The sun is shining. The tree still looks so beautiful covered in white lights. My blessings are too numerous to count! I am sure it will not be easy as I already let my mind wander to the difficulties. I'm human! Aren't we all.

But here are some wonderfully pleasant things to think on!

Nephews, nieces, and siblings. I took lots of pictures!

Hmmmmm...

Sometimes, I really miss blogging. I am wasting my morning away trying to make this thing warm and cozy, because really, isn't blogging the new way of "calling"? Course, who goes calling anymore-that's like 1800's retro.

Now it's a quick comment on facebook, a note sent by email, and a three paragraph blog about my life that maybe some of the closest people to me will enjoy but for a moment. Isn't it great. No, I mean it! This whole technology era is a miracle-worker, right? I can talk to ten people at the same time, respond to questions in my email, and show everyone my latest family photos right from the comfort of my own home.

I am still in my jammies as I speak(write). Hmmmm... The only thing we can't do is share a pot of yummy flavored coffee. Maybe one day some genius will come up with the bright idea of having virtual coffee on the web. Heck, maybe it's already out there and I am just not with the program.

And now, I can even put my favorite music on my blog for your pure listening pleasure(well mine too). To top it all off-it's CHRISTMAS season and I can play CHRISTMAS music. Whoopee!!!

Ain't life grand. Of course if yer not doing anything and you want to come calling I'll put on a pot of some kind of coffee, and we can waste the morning away getting caught up. My house may be insanely disasterous, and I may be in my jammies, but that's okay. You could wear yours too if ya want.

Oh, the joys of technology!!!! Oh the joy!! Heehee.

I am trying so hard to be thankful! Life is hitting me hard right now. So many things, little and big, and I am so tired.

Maybe we all have these moments in our life when we are carrying this carpet bag full of stuff. I wish I could just dump mine out and walk away, but you just can't do that.

I see others who are hurting and I realize how my bag of stuff is nothing compared to what they have in their lives.

I see how thankful some people are and pray that God fills my heart with as much gratitude.

I think I am just not used to riding this rollercoaster life. I like the merry-go-round, simple and slow. That merry-go-round disappeared months ago and I don't see it coming back for many years.

How do you adjust? How do you go from being home all the time, homeschooling, seeing your kids all the time, just being a wife and a mom, to living in the van, seeing your kids in a rushed manner on a daily basis, forgetting half the things you need to sign, or do, or take your kids to, working, trying to build a business, never getting your house clean because your always gone, etc, etc, etc...

I'm having a bit of trouble. And I am ashamed of my house.

Then there's my Dad, my family. I don't know how I feel, but I know we have some decisions to be making in the very near future. I never thought I would be doing this at 35.

I can't change anything. I know I have to step up to the plate as a mom. It's been hard, but I really need to do better in this arena! I love my kids and always want what's best for them, but my laziness can get in the way of that!

I know that putting my feelings here makes me a bit vulnerable, but I think I just need prayer and encouragement and that is why I am writing this.I have so much to be thankful for, and I don't want my gratitude to be swallowed up by the muck of emotions swirling around in my heart! I want to be happy, if anything, for my family. They don't need a mama that is constantly grouchy and sad.

I just have to know that God is here and He is walking me through this little tempest. I at least have peace in that.

The computer is a bit of a trifle to me right now, which is why I have been invisible. I am sorry to those who may feel I have not been the greatest friend or sister or daughter, or that I have ignored you. It has been a struggle to merely keep in touch with my children, so I hope you understand. I have been so blessed with awesome friends in my life who I do not deserve, and I love you all! Know that I think of you often!

I hope that everyone out there can see God's hand in their life no matter what's going on. It gets rough from time to time, but God's in it all, he's never far away. I pray that we can all see the things in our lives that matter most and thank God for them.

Praise God and I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving!

Our World Away from the World

There is something magical about a flowing stream surrounded by trees and sunbeams. It's another world. A far away place.

This place is an invitation to adventure and imagination. A place to explore and dream or just play in the sandy dirt beach.

I still see what a child sees when I come here, and I wish I still had the energy of a child.

When I feel the breeze cross my path and the sunshine warm my face as I walk through the beams poking through the trees, as I hear the rushing swish of water trickle by and see my children, shoeless, playing in it's coolness, I smile and think, "This is magic!"

I am grateful for this enchanted place. It is hard to tell how it makes me feel in words...

...but as it has been said, pictures are worth thousands of words!

I wasn't the only one who saw the magic here. Apparently a group of highschoolers had their photographs taken here. They actually got IN the freezing stream water in their prom dresses.-but I'll bet the pictures will be worth it.:)

Aren't they beautiful? I know, I am completely biased.:)

Farewell To Noise

The house is quiet. I can hear the rinse cycle of the washing machine as it spins the clothes, and fills with water. The clocks are ticking, the keys of my keyboard are clacking, and a little girl outside just screamed. My children have left the building...

Twelve years ago we started the journey, parenthood, and it has gotten louder and louder ever since that day my oldest let out his first scream. I cried, daddy cried, gramma cried and it was one big happy family. Eleven and a half years later, and many hours of laughing, crying, talking, running, jumping on furniture, writing on walls, screaming, fighting, slamming doors, watching videos, playing games, eating lunch together, getting snowsuits on and taking them off five minutes later because someone forgot to pee, tying shoes, kissing booboos, hugging necks, tousling hair, putting children in the corner, discussing words NOT to use, dancing in the living room, making cookies with the kids, answering a zillion questions, kind of listening to descriptions of bike tricks being done in the alley or the cool airplane that just passed over head, restoring relationships between my kids and the neighbor kids, passing out homemade cookies, teaching math, reading and writing, etc., etc., etc., I get to hear the washing machine now.

I could say it's a beautiful sound. I could shout "GLORY HALLELUJAH, I can hear myself think." I could think of plenty of things to do with this old quiet I have rediscovered, and I am sure I will! But for now, I am basking in the memories of the noise, and watching the little ghosts come in and out of the house and run through the living room with muddy shoes on. Maybe tomorrow I'll do something with the quiet, but let me say good-bye to the noise today.

It will always be beautiful noise to me!

Trying to get out of the Funk!

As a mother, there are certain things that just stab you in the heart. I have been walking around with a knife in my heart for about two weeks now because my children are all going to school in 14 days.

Now, some may think that I am silly for feeling this way, or maybe a little crazy for not jumping for joy at the fact that I will be completely alone after almost twelve years of having children constantly with me. But, I am having such a hard time with letting them go in my heart. I taught the two younger ones school for their first two years and enjoyed doing just that. I was planning on teaching them for another year, but an opportunity arose to send all of my children to one school for a little bit more than sendig two to another. As much as I tried to run away from the idea, I couldn't pass it up, as our desire has been to place them all in school eventually.

So, what is wrong with this momma? I think some things are just difficult to put into words and this is one of those things. I worry about my kids. I cry over them. I pray for them, and I have always wanted to be there for them no matter what. We don't have a perfect family, and there are things I often see that I want to magically snap my fingers and fix. And despite the times when they are fighting or being crazy, or just plain naughty, I love having them home. I wish I could handle homeschooling all of them, but it is just too much for me-but it is also difficult at times to have two in school and two at home-I feel split in two.

I just don't want them to go. I know, I am crazy, right? All I have known how to do these past 12 years is be a stay-at-home mom. I am moving into this new phase of life and I am a bit nervous at the very least. I can see someone asking, "WHY???". I mean, I am going to have a quiet house-wow-what is that?? I will have an opportunity to work outside the home and help out financially. I may even be able to get my house in order and KEEP it that way.

Despite ALL of that, I feel like this. I know, I know, it will pass. And I will be just fine. But for now, I wallow in the muck of the unkown. I never did like going there, but it's probably a good thing for me to be getting out of my comfort zone!!

Feeling Blue

I don't know why, but the past few weeks have been very difficult for me. Our lives are going to change greatly this year as we put all four of our children in a private school. Summer is almost over, and the schedule has to go back to early bedtimes and early mornings. Time just keeps racing by, and I am not ready for it to go that fast, but I have no choice. I can't stop it.

I began looking through all of the pictures I took this summer to make an album on facebook, and realized once again what I have. I look into the faces in those pictures and I am in love all over again with the beautiful family that God has given me. I often have a problem looking at other people and their families and being jealous-jealous of the smiles on their faces, the vacations they took this year, the friends that they have, the things they have been able to do with their kids. It's silly, because I look at the wonderful pictures that I have of my family and see the same smiles and fun things that I see in other peoples pictures. That is the reminder from God that I have what He has given me and I need to be thankful for all that we have and all that we are!!

I think it has just been a difficult summer with my children. I haven't been feeling well, and they have been out of control. I have been lazy, and I have let alot of things go. I am feeling blue because I know that I need to get busy and work on behaviors, and attitudes. I am blue because I feel like we have not been together as a family as much as I would have liked this year. I am seeking joy and peace for this place we call our home, and I pray with all my heart that God grants that to me and guides me as I get down to business once again. I pray that God pulls me out of this pool of depression that I have been treading in.

I want to start writing again, but need the motivation to do so. I am hoping that when the kids go back to school, and my house is quiet, I can take a few months to regroup, clean my house, and breathe a little. On the other side of that, I don't know what's in store for me. I am a bit excited to find out. Meanwhile, life just keeps on moving along and before I know it I will be on that other side. See you there.

I'm still here-somewhere...

Not feeling well! I've been tired, physically and mentally. I have no energy and my house is a disaster. I get maybe a load or two of laundry done every day, and keep the kitchen kind of clean-and then I am ready for bed. It has been affecting me emotionally to the point that I am even getting tired of the kids being around me. That makes me sad because I love doing things with the kids all summer. We really have not done much this summer.

I think sometimes, I have so much to say, but I can't get it out of my head. And now, I need to go to bed. I just wanted to post so anyone who checks my blog, knows that I am not dead(internetly speaking). Goodnight.

All That I Am Thankful For...