I can see the question mark over your head. I understand, truly, because I was clueless for so many years and now the veil of ignorance has been lifted from my face. With the help of those closest to me, and not easily mind you, I have been forced to assess my life, with a microscope. I don't like what I see. As a matter of fact, I hate it.
When I was little, I had parents, like most of you out there did. I think they did what they knew how to do, and they made alot of mistakes doing it, but I try to tell myself they did the best they could. I cannot judge them, and I must love them. I can say that, but do you know how hard that is to actually do?? Yeah, some of you probably do. It's work-a job-no, an investment-a really hard and messy investment that, to be honest with you, I have not been making myself-but that's another story for another day.
But I realized that there are so many things in this life that are good, even great investments, and I am not talking about the money kind. No, I am refering to the people kind. See when we started our family, fast and furious it was, and I had no clue what I was doing. We didn't have a plan, God just brought four kids to us in five years and that was that. They kept coming, and we kept going, and I was okay, for the most part. Babies were easy for me-they can't argue with you, or talk back or run away from you. But as we all know, babies eat and poop, and grow while they're doing it, and before you know it, there's this little person who belongs to YOU, and he starts to be naughty, yup, that's what I said-he just starts defying you.
I never knew how to handle it. I never really knew I was supposed to do something about it when the child is two. I did not know these things, I had to learn all of these things as I went, you know, and by the time my fourth child was two I think I got the picture, maybe. The point is, I didn't know it all and no mother does. And the crazy thing is, it's always changing on you. Just when you think you got something down with one of your children, they morph into something else that needs fine tuning.
It's a machine, parenting. A machine that needs oil changes, and tune ups, and new shocks or brakes once in a while. And if you service it, it runs so much more smoothly. Not perfect mind you, but better.
The V-8 moment came to me the other night when I was out with my friends who are rather candid at times(of course that's what a real friend should be, right?-despite the sharp pain you feel in the middle of your chest when they ARE that way)>Ahem...
Need I say more. I lost my way. I just lost my way. There is no investment I would rather make than the one I make every day in my kids. But for some odd unexplainable and ridiculously stupid reason, it is the absolute hardest investment for me to make. I do not think I have ever taken my role as a mom as serious as I should have. Oh, I loved and do love my children, but I know that I have been selfish and I have stolen from them what should rightfully be theres-my time and my energy.
The question is, where do I go from here? Well, folks, I have been asking this question for a few years now and the answer has NEVER been one I want to hear, which is why I haven't changed. But the answer Is as clear as a bell, and always has been, HARD WORK.
Being a mother is work, in and of itself, but, being a good one-that is HARD work. I have never been very good at hard work, but now I know what I want in life. Yeah, at thirty five, it finally hits me, how convenient, right? I am a mother. I want to be a good one. There are too many things in this life that we grab for that just do not matter. So many things we give ourselves to that may be great things but they are not the best things.
I'm not going to lie to you. I am not going to wake up tomorrow, or next week, or next year and say, oh, well I am a pretty darn good mom now, if I do say so myself. No. But, I have to stop complaining. That's a start. I have to pray. I can't do this without God. I have to give him my stuff. AGAIN. Yes, I said again. I am really good at taking it back. I can't change that today, my kids fought all day and disobeyed me over and over again, and I lost my cool and became angry for pretty much all of the day. No, I can't go back. I can only do tomorrow-the age old addage "Tomorrow is another day" is reality. Do my best and leave the rest up to God-it's all I can do. It's all any of us can do, but how many times do I beat myself up because I want to be the perfect mother that I will never rise to.
Today is almost over and it was pretty bad. But tomorrow, I can try again, and pray that it gets better. I can love my kids, and serve my family, and honor my husband, and say sorry when I mess up, and pray when I don't know what to do, and hold my tongue when I want to swear at someone for doing something really stupid.
BUT, it won't happen without hard work-oh, those nasty little words again. I HATE hard work, but the investments I make now, may someday come back to me ten fold. And hopefully, those investments will be happy and healthy too. I pray they are. I hope they are.
