Reflection

I am still in Florida, about to head home in a couple of days and in a way dreading going back to normal life were I have to face all of the usual daily ins and outs of life that I have enjoyed being away from while on vacation! But, I have been able to do alot of thinking and evaluating during our time away from home, and I see even more the things that need to change.

I simply need to spend more time with my kids. I need to love them more, nag them less. See the good and work lovingly on the bad. I need to have better aim when it comes to pointing them in the right direction.

Problem is, there is nothing simple about all of that for me. I have been so selfish. Selfishness is a curse, a canker that eats a hole through the very heart of what it means to be a family. I know that may sound harsh, but it really isn't harsh at all. It's mere fact.

I have not been happy for a long time-years. I have been happy about things or circumstances, but not truly joyful in my heart . I once knew joy somewhere in my past-at least I think I did. But I have lost it-and I believe it is because I have tried to find it in all the wrong places. A bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups do not cut the mustard when it comes to being joyful, nor does a two dollar movie from the video store-no matter how great the plot may be!!

I know that Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, and I believe I have that Spirit-but I don't yet have that Joy. I have realized that I need to ask for it, instead of trying to find it. It's not going to come with any of the things I do to make myself happy, but I think it comes when you work to make others happy. That's what I want to try to do a better job of-starting inside the four walls of my own home.

Yes, I have needs-I know-I am very aware of my needs!! But I also realize that I am not meeting the needs of those entrusted to my care and that should have precedence over my own! And this has led me to some practical areas of how I might stop thinking of me and start thinking of them.

1.) For a long time I have been pondering not watching tv or movies any more, as those are some things that take me away from my kids, or my much needed sleep-which keeps me on my toes for my family, instead of being a zombie.

2.) I have a tendency to leave so many ideas unfinished or untouched. I have started two books with my kids now that we never finished. We have done rewards sytems that were never fully carried out. Too many promises broken and hearts probably too. Sometimes it is unavoidable but I know I can be more careful in this area. I do not want to make promises I cannot keep. And I want to find one thing we can have as a family tradition and do it all the time until it is habit. We could add more later if possible-but onle one for now to ensure it's becoming a habit.

3.) Oh, listening, truly listening. Yeah-I'm no good here!! They do not know how to listen because I don't! I need to listen to their woes and care-even if I have no solution-listening is good even without that!!

4.) I find this one nearly impossible to quit as I have developed a horrible habit-but here goes. NO yelling. Maybe yelling isn't all bad-but it is in my house. I hate to yell, but apparently my flesh LOVES it. And my children are the victims. I think yelling says-"I hate you". Maybe not always, and of course it is not what I mean to say-but it's what they probably hear. And maybe if I stop yelling, they will too-what a concept.

5.) Take time to just be. I don't stop and do this enough with my kids. Oh, I do it plenty for myself into the wee hours of the night while my babes are fast asleep and the daily work is done. But it doesn't help them any. Most of the time I am just crabby and tired the next day because of it. No, I need to start stopping during the day-on purpose-just to be, while my kids are around me. This one will be hard because I don't stop very easily.

6.) Pray, pray, pray, and pray. I feel like I have not been able to talk to God about all of this in so long! I am not sure why, maybe partly because I don't want to. But prayer really should be my number one priority because it is God who works in me and not myself! I guess part of me wonders why God needs me to even ask for help when He knows the state I am in! But the Bible says to let my requests be made known to God. My biggest request right now is for God to tighten the strings of love and happiness around my family!

Maybe I could go on and on but I think that is enough to tackle for now don't you? I need to eat better and my family needs to be fed better. My health is awful right now due to my overeating and foolish eating habits. We need to discipline our kids better in many areas-but I think that may come easier when I start working on the things mentioned above.

Overwhelming? Think I am being to hard on myself? Well, reality is harsh. I can't live my life blind to the problems in it because it's too harsh to admit or realize that things are a mess in my life. I seriously do not want to wake up one day to rebellious, angry, bitter children because the reality of it all was just too hard. Worst of all-I do not want to chase my kids away from the things that I truly believe and hold deep in my heart. That is exactly what happens when you live your merry little life without facing the harsh realities and doing something to change wherever possible.

I love my family. I love my kids so much, but I don't do the best job of showing it. I hope and pray to God that this is a major turning point in my life, and not just another complaining session. I know myself and my failures all too painfully well!! But I have so much hope-it is what keeps me going. Hope and trust in the one who created me and gave me the four children I have!