Tid Bits

This is the drivel part of my blog. My head has been spinning for a long time now-ever since I have been medicated I cannot seem to gather my thoughts! There have been ideas that have come and gone over and over since the beginning of this year. I have wanted to write about all of them, and have written about none of them. The thoughts seem to escape me the moment I sit face to face with the screen. It's like the flourescent white bewitches me, and I am drawn into it's nothingness.

Hence, today, I sat at my trusty keyboard to clack out some of those swirling thoughts in detail and alas, I have nothing. But I am going to try to form some of those thoughts into short questions and comments that may lead to something else, if nothing more than to find out a little bit more about me.

Who is God? No, seriously, how many people REALLY know who God is?

I don't like people. I just don't like them. I don't hate them, but I would rather be left alone many days. I love people, and I want to be there for people, but I often find myself wanting out of the crowd-like at church. I like to get to know people one on one, and I usually end up trying to dig deep to find out more about them, because that's what I like to do with people. I am not really interested in what their kitchen looks like or all the cute shoes they have, but I want what's inside-then all the rest falls into place. But, many, and I mean many people do not let you dig deep, at least not until you've known them long enough that they finally break, and I think I am so impatient that I end up avoiding people because of it. Some people don't open up at all-it drives me crazy-this is the selfish part of me. I would rather get past all of the formalities of getting to know people and just get straight to the point-who are you? I guess because I always make a fool of myself in front of others during the formalities of getting to know people, which then causes me to avoid them later on because I am a fool. Oh, I might as well just be honest here-I hate getting to know people. I love having great friends-and I do. But I have issues about getting to know people and I spend months nerve-wracked over this or that while in the process of deepening relationships. Sometimes I hate being an introvert, but often I relish it.

I wish I could see myself through other people's eyes. Who am I to other's? Is it the real me they see or something else? Are people honest with me about my flaws or do they sugar coat?

I am obsessive. Not necessarily in my actions, but in my feelings. I overreact to things internally. I stew. I keep it all inside me and somewhere along the line, I think it just dissolves. At least that is what I think, but I am beginning to think these things creep back to bite me when I am least expecting them.

That's all I've got for now. I am just so tired. I stay up too late and get up too late. I have to change my habits and I don't want to. But I have to.

Maybe I can try to write some more tidbits later.

Bye for now.