This is What I am

I was in my car running errands this morning and the overwhelming feelings of some emotion came over me, as I cried and drove and talked to myself.

I realized it wasn't the kidney stone that has interrupted the life of my family, or the death of my hard drive, or the broken washing machine, or my uncloggable toilet, or the mice we had been catching/not catching on a daily basis, or my heater not starting one morning this week, or my child still failing most of his subjects, or my unkempt house that gets clean and incredibly becomes unkempt in a matter of hours, or the mind in my head that forgets everything, or the inner struggle I am facing privately, or the constant fighting that my children are involved in...

...no, in a breath, a moment of thought, as I gripped the steering wheel and focused my eyes out the front window of my van, I realized, I am just sad.

I mulled this over verbally as I drove away from the shipping center where my broken hard drive now sat waiting to be returned.

I had been trying so hard not to be angry. I had been constantly reprimanding myself for being upset over all these situations that continued to arise, week after week, day after day. I mean how bad could I have it-not bad at all compared to so many others who have lost so much.

Yet that feeling has been lingering and has in no way been affected by my urging it to fly away and leave me be! Until today.

I burst into tears and headed to the grocery store. "Is it a sin to be sad," I thought."Is this what grieving feels like?" Is it okay to be this sad, to let yourself feel something that you can't ignore. Loss, hurt, sadness, I can't tell myself not to feel. I have tried that. It doesn't work.

It isn't that I am not thankful, because I am. It isn't that I have no hope, because I do. I am just sad.

I went to the grocery store and did my shopping, and then I came home to eat and blog. I had planned on sharing my experience, and saying that I just want to be sad, knowing it would pass, knowing that it will be okay, realizing that it's okay to be sad and I can let myself feel. It's not a sin, just because people have it worse than me, to feel true human emotional feelings. It's okay to cry because life is hitting me hard right now.

I have no great revelation to share that I am cured of my sadness, or that I feel better already, or that I am going to go save the world now. No. But if there is anything that I can tell you, it's this: No matter what anyone may think about your particular situation, you have to let yourself feel sad when you are sad. If you don't, you're going to get angry, and every little thing is going to get very, very big. Grieve, cry, stay in your jammies once in a while, whatch movies all night, whatever it is you do when your sad-do it. Let it out, and then move on.

Putting on a happy face doesn't solve the problem-believe me. You might find yourself depressed, sitting in a fed-ex parking lot, holding back the tears just so you can muster up enough poise to walk in, drop off a package and walk out, only to get back in your car and explode in tears. Of, course, when you finally let it all out, you will feel better. I promise.

Don't judge me. Don't judge people in general. We all have feelings. We all make mistakes. We all hurt. We all cry. We all get mad. We all need.

And today, I am just sad. And God is sitting right here beside me while I am sad, letting me be sad and reminding me it will be okay in the end. He isn't telling me to get over it or to smile and be happy because I am a Christian. He just loves me. And He loves you too! That just made me smile to write that. He's so good. I want to be like that! I think that's why I am sad, and why I am going through this storm. And I am okay! I am at peace and I hope that you can find the same!

Two Little Boys

Two little boys, lyin in bed.
Starin at the ceiling, one of em says,

"You be the ssssss, I'll be the pop!"
Imaginary 'crackers zoom to the top

Of the hotel room, in the middle of the night,
little did they know, to mommy's delight.

I could almost see the reds and the blues
light up their faces in soft mingled hues.

Two little boys lyin in bed.
staring at the ceilin, doin' what he said.

One makin' "ssssss" sounds, the other little "pops"
Imaginary 'crackers zoomin' to the top!

What Was I Thinking?

I have felt led to blog for so long but the words just aren't coming. I am a thinker and it's often a curse that leads me to have many discussions with myself, and blogging is the alternative to that. So much has been going through my mind lately.

I am learning so much from the Lord that I wouldn't even know where to start. Sometimes, He shows something when I least expect it and I am in awe. Someone trying to encourage me when they knew I was struggling with anger and child-rearing reminded me to "think on these things."

What things? The pure, honest, just, good, lovely things in life. Christ tells us to do this in Philippians. I have read that verse a million times I am sure, but it just dawned on me in that moment as I read the note someone sent me, that I have to THINK. Dwell on, meditate on, think on the pure, honest, just, good, lovely things in life.

I havn't been doing that. I have been dwelling on how awful my children are, and how bad a mother I am, and how I yell too much, and how I lose my temper, and how my kids get in trouble alot, and I am so hard on them, and how I need to spend more time with them, and how much they fight and how mean they can be to one another, and how selfish I can be and how I wish I could snap my fingers and change everything-and the list goes on.

I know, how have I not shot myself yet? I don't know, but I sure am angry. I am just plain angry. Angry at myself, my kids, the world. It's not a fun place to be, and I know that I don't want to be there. The trouble is I haven't been thinking about the good things, and I am sure that if I actually gave it some good hearty thought-being the thinker that I am-I could come up with many more good, pure, lovely things to put into my head!!

That's it. That's what I am going to do. Lovely things. Pure things. Good things. Honest things. Just things. Think about them.

And I can share them with you too when I think of them. It may take another blog to do that- maybe many blogs!

My first thing is memories. They always make me smile. I have a journal full of silly anecdotes involving my children as they were growing up, and once in a while I will pull that treasure off my headboard in my bedroom and share some stories with my children. Once in a while they will beg me to read the stories again and I can't resist no matter how hard I try. They will bring them up sometimes just out of the blue and say, "Remember mom?". I can't help but smile about it and neither can my children!!

I would like to share one of those stories with you. I was driving somewhere when Zachary was three and Austin was one. Isaac was at school, I believe. My little Zachy kept saying something over and over. I couldn't hear him too well, but he did not relent. I listened closely and finally figured out that he was trying to tell me that there's a "Sot in my hoe, der's a sot in my hoe." Of course, I had absolutely NO idea what the boy was talking about but he would not let it rest, and repeated the phrase over and over again. I couldn't resist his sincerity and perserverance as he continued to try and make his momma understand him. I fixed my rear-view mirror on where he was sitting and took a peek back at him. I can still see his serious expression as he held his leg up for me. I noticed in a moment, his white, little big toe sticking out of his bright red sock. It took me a second or two, but I got it and replied to him. "Ooohhhh, there's a hole in your sock." He then, gave me a great big smile, put his leg down and turned his attention to the moving scenery out the window.

That is one of my favorites, and there are several more.

It's been a while since I wrote in that book. Maybe that is my problem!

"Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, THINK on THESE things." Philippians 4:8

Wordless Wednesday??

Ode To Winter

The Simple Things in Life

This is a goodwill purchase that I almost didn't get, but after much deliberation decided the possibility of keeping four children busy for hours on end outweighed the nagging sense that I shouldn't spend the five dollars on the box of cheap plastic and marbles.

Let's just say the five dollars has been repaid ten times over already!

My suspicion that boys love this stuff paid off, and they are still, at 10pm, playing with it-in between bowling sessions with Grammy on the wii.

Ain't life grand...sometimes?

Austin spent so much time sending those marbles(probably twenty-something all together including ones we already had)down the tubes and around the cyclones. I was able to get some great shots of his concentration.

I have always loved his little pudgy fingers-even though he is now eight.

Zach took some turns sending the marbles down. The boys would race their marbles, or send a bunch of them down-sometimes so many that they would get congested and stop moving.

The cyclone-like the ones at wal-mart you can drop your coins into.

I see a budding engineer in my eleven year old. I can honestly give him something with the instructions to put it together and walk away, worry free. He always figures it out. I got him a Rubik's ball for Christmas thinking it would keep him busy for the whole trip to Connecticut. He had it figured out in an hour.

I love my kids and I am praying that this year is a new beginning for us. I want to learn how to be selfless and I know it isn't going to be easy.

Lord help me keep it simple!

A not so cheery Christmas

The pine needles on my Christmas tree are weepy. The blasts of heat from the furnace stir the cold air in the room. I am listening to someone's Christmas music, yet the sentiment is not cheer, but sad, hopeful, meditation.

My life has changed, and it just so happens that it's Christmas. Last week, I lost the father I never really liked. I wanted to say that I never really knew him, which is partly true, but I knew alot about him. And I loved him. I pitied him. He lost so much joy in his life because of his bitterness and anger. He never got to share in the joys that we all wished he would have. Marriages, babies, family gatherings, Holiday sentiments...my father did not participate with his heart. I think that's all we wanted as kids-a daddy's heart.

Now My Dad is not with us anymore and it's as if the veil has been lifted. So many things unsaid have begun to be said. So many feelings unknown have begun to flow. And life goes on. But now there is a warmth, a sentimental feeling that was barred in my fathers life. In his death, he brought five people together that have been together physically, but not in heart. We now have a mutual pain, a mutual feeling we can all relate to. I have hope in the sadness this Christmas, because of the healing I believe has come to our family. It has begun and I pray it continues!!

Part of the sadness is that I live 1,000 miles away form my brothers. I finally see a glimmer of hope and I am too far away to really capitalize on that prospect. Our planned trip to see everyone at Christmas is looking less plausible by the moment. Money is scarce this year, as I know it is for many many other people. Gifts for anyone or anything are the farthest thing from my mind!!

The tears have finally come today, and I wondered if they ever would. Death is never a joyous occassion, but at Christmas it strikes the nerve a bit harder, and the heart mourns a bit deeper. It's Christmas. Christmas. Just saying the word conjurs up visions in the mind of things pleasant.

So, I am trying, amidst the sad but hopeful meditations of my heart, to look at the pleasant things, to soak them in, and drown out the cold, sad sentiments that chill me today. The sun is shining. The tree still looks so beautiful covered in white lights. My blessings are too numerous to count! I am sure it will not be easy as I already let my mind wander to the difficulties. I'm human! Aren't we all.

But here are some wonderfully pleasant things to think on!

Nephews, nieces, and siblings. I took lots of pictures!

Hmmmmm...

Sometimes, I really miss blogging. I am wasting my morning away trying to make this thing warm and cozy, because really, isn't blogging the new way of "calling"? Course, who goes calling anymore-that's like 1800's retro.

Now it's a quick comment on facebook, a note sent by email, and a three paragraph blog about my life that maybe some of the closest people to me will enjoy but for a moment. Isn't it great. No, I mean it! This whole technology era is a miracle-worker, right? I can talk to ten people at the same time, respond to questions in my email, and show everyone my latest family photos right from the comfort of my own home.

I am still in my jammies as I speak(write). Hmmmm... The only thing we can't do is share a pot of yummy flavored coffee. Maybe one day some genius will come up with the bright idea of having virtual coffee on the web. Heck, maybe it's already out there and I am just not with the program.

And now, I can even put my favorite music on my blog for your pure listening pleasure(well mine too). To top it all off-it's CHRISTMAS season and I can play CHRISTMAS music. Whoopee!!!

Ain't life grand. Of course if yer not doing anything and you want to come calling I'll put on a pot of some kind of coffee, and we can waste the morning away getting caught up. My house may be insanely disasterous, and I may be in my jammies, but that's okay. You could wear yours too if ya want.

Oh, the joys of technology!!!! Oh the joy!! Heehee.