Just wondering...

How did I get here? I could have been anything-done anything. I was a pre-med major who graduated with a bachelor's in science. I graduated with honors. But I was too afraid to take the MCAT's-the entrance exams into med school. I was tired of school-tired of studying-tired of being so far away. I fell in love with a wonderful man, got married and had four children. We are broke.

I find myself sitting here thinking, why didn't I? I find myself wondering why I had to be so afraid. It's not about the money. I have always been afraid. Afraid to try harder, to go farther, to give more, because I did not want to fail. No, I have not had a job in eleven years and the simple truth is, that I do not want to work at burger king, or wal-mart, or Taco John's. I am not sure what I want to do-I really don't want to work-I enjoy being home with my kids-and just being mom.

BUT, there's the money. Most mom's I know work because they have to. I think that is just the way it is now a days! I feel guilty for spending my husband's money, and not working myself-especially because we have so little of it.

I feel like a failure tonight. I feel lost. I am afraid of going out in the world and working, but I feel guilty for not. I feel like I don't know how to do anything that would matter to anyone who would want to pay me to do it.

I know that it is not a waste of my time to raise my kids-to be here for them-but why do I feel so guilty about not working? Probably, because we are broke right now.

I need to learn be content with were I am!! Why does that have to be so hard? I am just so unsure of so much right now. So I am wondering what it is I am supposed to be learning right now. I sometimes wish I was strong like some other women I know-but I also know I am not alone in being the shy quiet fearful type. I now think I truly understand that necessity really IS the mother of invention!!