Goodbye Sunshine

It's time to say good-bye to Florida-sniffle-sniffle!
But before I do-more pictures from a camera crazy mama.
Isaac aboard the USS Alabama-and what an amazing sight to see!
The boys had fun shooting planes out of the sky.
Too bad they could not shoot these babies!
Poor Mikayla-she was pooped out after the tour of the battleship, but we were not done yet.

There was also a submarine.
With teeny passages through tiny hallways.
They were acting like they were up at the crack of dawn.
The sleeping quarters
Isn't he the cutest!

The engine room
A pretty flying machine
And an ugly one. Sorry about the couple that got in the way of the plane!
Ian is my sister's oldest-he's 8.
Jacob is 6.

Playing dollies on the porch.
Sarah is 2, adorable, and knows it!
A lazy, sleepy morning.
Mikayla sporting an ice-cream mustache
Lauren just turned five the day we got here.

And Sophia is three months old.
Uncle Brian is giving Isaac a chance to drill some studs into the wall.
The girls humor me while I snap a bazillion pics of them.
Sophia baby
Our last venture to the beach

Thunderstorms were in the forecast.
But God held the clouds back for us, and we had a wonderful time!!
Right, Austin?
One last hoorah.
Good-bye, sand. Oh wait-I forgot-I am taking you home with me(courtesey of our minivan floor). Good-bye Florida.

Reflection

I am still in Florida, about to head home in a couple of days and in a way dreading going back to normal life were I have to face all of the usual daily ins and outs of life that I have enjoyed being away from while on vacation! But, I have been able to do alot of thinking and evaluating during our time away from home, and I see even more the things that need to change.

I simply need to spend more time with my kids. I need to love them more, nag them less. See the good and work lovingly on the bad. I need to have better aim when it comes to pointing them in the right direction.

Problem is, there is nothing simple about all of that for me. I have been so selfish. Selfishness is a curse, a canker that eats a hole through the very heart of what it means to be a family. I know that may sound harsh, but it really isn't harsh at all. It's mere fact.

I have not been happy for a long time-years. I have been happy about things or circumstances, but not truly joyful in my heart . I once knew joy somewhere in my past-at least I think I did. But I have lost it-and I believe it is because I have tried to find it in all the wrong places. A bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups do not cut the mustard when it comes to being joyful, nor does a two dollar movie from the video store-no matter how great the plot may be!!

I know that Joy is a fruit of the Spirit, and I believe I have that Spirit-but I don't yet have that Joy. I have realized that I need to ask for it, instead of trying to find it. It's not going to come with any of the things I do to make myself happy, but I think it comes when you work to make others happy. That's what I want to try to do a better job of-starting inside the four walls of my own home.

Yes, I have needs-I know-I am very aware of my needs!! But I also realize that I am not meeting the needs of those entrusted to my care and that should have precedence over my own! And this has led me to some practical areas of how I might stop thinking of me and start thinking of them.

1.) For a long time I have been pondering not watching tv or movies any more, as those are some things that take me away from my kids, or my much needed sleep-which keeps me on my toes for my family, instead of being a zombie.

2.) I have a tendency to leave so many ideas unfinished or untouched. I have started two books with my kids now that we never finished. We have done rewards sytems that were never fully carried out. Too many promises broken and hearts probably too. Sometimes it is unavoidable but I know I can be more careful in this area. I do not want to make promises I cannot keep. And I want to find one thing we can have as a family tradition and do it all the time until it is habit. We could add more later if possible-but onle one for now to ensure it's becoming a habit.

3.) Oh, listening, truly listening. Yeah-I'm no good here!! They do not know how to listen because I don't! I need to listen to their woes and care-even if I have no solution-listening is good even without that!!

4.) I find this one nearly impossible to quit as I have developed a horrible habit-but here goes. NO yelling. Maybe yelling isn't all bad-but it is in my house. I hate to yell, but apparently my flesh LOVES it. And my children are the victims. I think yelling says-"I hate you". Maybe not always, and of course it is not what I mean to say-but it's what they probably hear. And maybe if I stop yelling, they will too-what a concept.

5.) Take time to just be. I don't stop and do this enough with my kids. Oh, I do it plenty for myself into the wee hours of the night while my babes are fast asleep and the daily work is done. But it doesn't help them any. Most of the time I am just crabby and tired the next day because of it. No, I need to start stopping during the day-on purpose-just to be, while my kids are around me. This one will be hard because I don't stop very easily.

6.) Pray, pray, pray, and pray. I feel like I have not been able to talk to God about all of this in so long! I am not sure why, maybe partly because I don't want to. But prayer really should be my number one priority because it is God who works in me and not myself! I guess part of me wonders why God needs me to even ask for help when He knows the state I am in! But the Bible says to let my requests be made known to God. My biggest request right now is for God to tighten the strings of love and happiness around my family!

Maybe I could go on and on but I think that is enough to tackle for now don't you? I need to eat better and my family needs to be fed better. My health is awful right now due to my overeating and foolish eating habits. We need to discipline our kids better in many areas-but I think that may come easier when I start working on the things mentioned above.

Overwhelming? Think I am being to hard on myself? Well, reality is harsh. I can't live my life blind to the problems in it because it's too harsh to admit or realize that things are a mess in my life. I seriously do not want to wake up one day to rebellious, angry, bitter children because the reality of it all was just too hard. Worst of all-I do not want to chase my kids away from the things that I truly believe and hold deep in my heart. That is exactly what happens when you live your merry little life without facing the harsh realities and doing something to change wherever possible.

I love my family. I love my kids so much, but I don't do the best job of showing it. I hope and pray to God that this is a major turning point in my life, and not just another complaining session. I know myself and my failures all too painfully well!! But I have so much hope-it is what keeps me going. Hope and trust in the one who created me and gave me the four children I have!

Fun, Sun, Sand, and Surf-A Whole New Turf!

In the beginning...
...Daddy drove for 13 out of 16 hours.
We arrived in Florida at 5:30 in the morning, slept until twelve thirty p.m., and walked around like zombies all day. But it was worth it. Here are the smiles to prove it.
No, they aren't related at all!
Our first adventure of the week
The Naval Aviation Museum in Pensacola, Florida
All cousin's minus Sophia, the baby
And of course the kids with Dad.
What a neat place!!!

The Blue Angels

Ah, there is Sophia.
Ian and Zach having the time of their lives!!
Daddy's Girl!
Sarah is such a cute little rugrat isn't she?
It was a great day!

You'll never guess our next adventure!
Oh, did the white sand and waves give it away?
And it was an adventure playing in the surf and getting thrown by the waves!
Mikayla was not strong enough to go past her ankles so she played in the sand most of the time.
But the boys were having the time of their life!

Can you tell?
Still in the sand!
And still in the water.
Zach's waiting for the next big one.
Isaac caught it and wiped out.

Drying off with some bubbles.
Mikayla...
...and Zach get in on the act...
...while Austin chases and pops as many as he can.
Another wonderful day!!

Today was our lazy day.
We found a pier to picnic on and snap some pictures while we're at it.
The Coast Gaurd ship nearby
The view from the pier was pretty
Half way through our big adventure and there's more to come. Stay tuned for upcoming events. The kids want to move here-or at least some do. Do they realize how boring Florida would be if we did move here? I am beginning to miss Wisconsin, only slightly. I am sure we'll be good and ready for home when the time comes. Maybe we can bring some Florida home in a bottle!

The Negative Life

Something in me just cannot do it! I want to, deep inside somewhere unfindable, but I can't.

I continue to change-daily, yet stay the same. What I want to do I just cannot. I look at otheres who have and do accomplish what I seem to be unable to do, and I wonder why. It's God right-that's got to be it, huh? But I know Him too, and I ask Him continuosly to make things better and to make me what I should be.

I just can't.

Maybe I just don't want to because it's easier to just let it go. But I will have innumerable regrets if I do that-do I even care. I thought I did, but I am not so sure anymore. I could never ever walk away from my family-I truly do love them, but I am not what I should be for them. And I cannot be. Maybe I will never be.

I know it seems like a bad attitude-maybe it is. I get so sick of reading these blogs, or books, or articles or whatever it may be, where the person is doing what I cannot. I think it may be jealousy. Maybe that's it. But they work hard for what they have I am sure, and if I want what they have, I have to work hard too.

But I can't.

Or maybe I just don't want to. Is anybody out there here in this place with me. Lately it seems like I am the only one and it is a very lonely place!!

If you are please tell me. If you aren't and you want to give me advice-please don't! At least not yet. I cannot handle it right now!

And of course, there is probably nobody out there because I have lost touch with the net world.

What else is there to say? I can't go anywhere else but up from here I suppose!

News

I just wanted to let you all know I may not be blogging anymore for a while. We may be getting rid of the internet. So if you don't see me around-that is the reason. I will miss blogging, and I may be able to blog once in a while at the library or something, but it won't be very often. Just thought you might want to know. See you around.

Longing For Meadows, But Learning to Love the Jungle.

Sitting on the couch, looking through some pages of a birthday book my aunt made with pictures, I have a bittersweet feeling looming over me. As my eyes move over each face, sometimes many faces, different thoughts come to my mind: "I remember when...", "Oh, they look like...", "I wish I could have...", "If only...", etc., etc., etc.

Time is not a friend. I realize that my life has passed me by without the opportunities I wish I could have had, but I know that I am who I am because of that. I can only think, "If only...", for so long, and I have to move on.

Though I cannot have the past, today and tomorrow is laid out in front of me-the path I have yet to walk. I do not want to walk through the jungle of chaos and danger that my parents dragged their children through. I love them, for they did the best they could to get us through that jungle, but we did not leave unscarred by it.

I look at some of the families in my family tree, and I wish my mom and dad could have followed them on their path. Either they walked in lush green meadows, or they chopped their way through their own jungle, clearing a safe path with sweat and love for those who came behind.

I am in the jungle. I chop and chop sometimes, but I get tired and start dragging my own children through the brush. Honestly, I would much rather walk through those meadows, but I don't know how to get there. Maybe we all walk through the jungle, but some of us do a better job at hewing out a clear path for those we love so they can walk in peace as they grow before they reach their own jungle.

Whatever the case, I don't want my kids to come out terribly scarred. They may have a few scrapes here and there, be don't we all? That's life.

Looking at those pictures, I wonder how you did it, or are doing it. I feel like that will never be me. Or maybe I am just reading too far into the happiness that seems to come from you all. We did not have that growing up-that sense of security, belonging, and love that seems to ooze from the lives of some of those in our rather large family. I too realize, though, that others may have been dragged through the jungle just like me, and maybe you know what I mean.

In the end, though I cannot go back and have something I missed, I want to move forward and give that to MY family. I want my kids to feel a part of this great big wonderful thing called the Rehfeldts, and also the smaller branch off of that tree, the Molanders.

Sometimes, no matter how hard I try to shut out the past, to let go of the hurts and to move on to the life I want for my own family, my heart finds some reason not to. But, the sweet part is being able to hold on to so many wonderful things in my life, in our family, and among friends. My prayer every day, every moment, is that I remember all of those good things from God, and forget the scars. Though scars do not dissappear, they do fade, and some people come to forget they have them, even the ones that are clearly seen. I guess, that only comes when they accept the fact that they are scarred.

So, I am scarred, but I am blessed. I am thankful for the blessings I have been showered with in my life, and I hope you are too! You can't be part of the Rehfeldt family and not feel at least a little blessed, can you?

It's Almost Here

We start school on Monday and I am not ready. I have had so much on my plate the last two weeks that I have not been able to sit down and gather my ideas for the school year. I already made my lesson plan sheets and wrote down my ideas for the year, but I have not yet been able to purchase the workbooks we need. I hope to get that done today. I have my ideas in my head of how I want things to be, but I just do not feel mentally prepared for the year. I have been mentally preparing for half of the summer, but I am feeling a bit nervous.

The only thing that really worries me is discipline, self-discipline and the discipline of my kids. I have let things go with them, and I know how tough it is going to be to get my kids sitting and listening and working again. I am excited about teaching my two younger to read, and working on my second graders reading. I am excited about the schedule that I have made, and the determination I have to do a better job keeping it this year. I just don't feel confident about how my children will handle things. To me, my children's behavior last year was the biggest obstacle that we faced, and we will face it this year. Teaching them is easy and can be fun, but they do not always cooperate and I am not very good at disciplining them.

My goal this year is to teach my kids to love to learn. At this point, they hate "doing school"! And that is my fault because I was not thrilled about homeschooling last year. That all has to change for the year ahead of us and right now I feel that I am headed in the right direction.

So, as Monday approaches, I have a few days to get my head in the game, and be ready for our first day of school. I'll be ready, because I have to be.