I am a "Christian". I know how I am supposed to act and feel, right? But sometimes life just stinks. See, I was going to write sucks, but I don't use that word. (Oh brother) No, I really don't, and I don't like the sound of it either. But sometimes, life just sucks! There, I said it!
Okay, so what is bothering me. I don't know. I am strung out right now. I should be cleaning, and planning dinner for tonight, but here I sit, trying to put my very intangible feelings to the page.
I am a mother. But I am a terrible one. Sometimes I am an excellent mom, but most of the time, I just suck. Oh, there, I said it again. I think my kids are really going to have issues with me when they grow up.
I have issues with my parents. In a way, it's almost like I don't have parents at the moment. I do not make much of an effort with them and they don't with me either. And I don't really care. Or do I?
See, issues. My house is a mess. I deny that I am a mess. I refuse to be a mess. But my house is.
My kids-some days they are a mess. Others they are wonderful. Today-we are a mess. Issues.
These intangable feelings of mine are all over the place!
Deep down inside of me, I do not want to admit that I just need to talk to God. I do not want to get spiritual in my posts-because it could be taken so wrong. I fear hypocrisy and plasticity, yet I know the truth. The truth is that I am searching.
Religion means absolutely nothing to me. Knowing God and His son Jesus means everything. But I am caught in the middle between two worlds and I don't know how to find the right path. Finding that path may finally bring some stability to my home, because it will bring stability to my mind. But it may also bring contention, rejection, and other things that come along with disagreements.
The truth is that is the bottom of the barrel. After I dig all these other feelings of inadequacy and frustration with my family and my life out of the pot, that's what's left. My feelings towards God and the Bible and what it means to me in my life. I don't want to talk to God right now. I am angry. Yet I know I need to. I want direction, peace, solace, understanding, wisdom-and this can only come from one source. The source that I am the most confused about at the moment.
I mean who understands-truly knows, the heart of God, and His Son Jesus. I have often said that I WANT to know Him, but is my heart where my lips are? How do I teach my children about the things of God, when I myself struggle with understanding. That is where much of my guilt comes into play. My children knowing what a true relationship with God and His Son means. Maybe it isn't something I can give them, but if I don't have it myself, I certainly cannot teach them about it either.
I cringe at the thought of telling God that I love Him. I can't. How can I love God with my meager, unworthy life. My mistakes, failures, stupidity, actions, they just do not measure up. I try to teach my kids to love Him, but do I? With all my heart soul and mind as His word commands?
I often feel like just walking away, but I could never do that. I can't walk away from a person who would give His life to save my own. I owe Him my life. I am not doing a very good job of giving it to Him.
I am not doing a very good job of surrendering all. I am not doing a very good job of suffering, or sacrificing.
I am guilty, not free. I want to be free, but also giving of myself freely. Right now I feel guilty because I don't want to give myself freely all the time. I am not firmly committed. I am not even sure I want to be. I am not even sure what it means to be firmly committed.
By the Church's standards, if you give your tithe, go to church when the doors are open, go to visitation once in a while, bring others to church on special Sunday's, sing in the choir, fulfill your nursery duty, and teach some class, then you must be spiritual. This of course is not a spoken or written proclomation by any means, yet I truly believe it is understood that often, the more you do, the more spiritual you are considered to be.
How silly, right? I think so. Yet if I stopped going to church, and doing all that I do there, I would probably make the pray list to come back to God. When I never left Him in the first place.
I guess this is all at the heart of my misery. I love my family, but I think until I get this confusing mush straightened out in my head, I am going to struggle with so much!
Where do I go from here? I am still going to search. I suppose I need to start praying about it. I was before, but I got away from it. I began to pray that God would show me the truth, and I got smacked in the face by something so big, that I began to read and study and left off with my prayers for truth. I need to get back to it!
I will continue to believe that the God that made me is good and loving and will see me through all of this. I don't have to believe it-I DO believe it! My hope in Him, is the only thing that keeps me going! As my illusions crumble around me He is still there-still the Rock that is higher than I.
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