So Out of Touch

Lately, the fight has been against myself. The battle that rages is a battle I have been fighting for years now, and I think there was a time when blogging had helped relieve some of the stress of this battle. So I am blogging about my battle once again.

It is a battle against depression. If you have ever watched cartoons, you might be familiar with a character that was often beneath a small raincloud that followed him everywhere he went. I seem to have one of those, and I have struggled for a long time trying to fight it off.

If you have ever had one of these clouds, then you already know that they are greatly misunderstood, especially by those who are perpetually followed by sunbeams and rainbows. They come and go as they please and you don't always know when one is on it's way, although sometimes you can smell it coming like rain on asphalt. There are things you can do to prevent the cloud or lessen it's effects, but you can't make it dissappear altogether, although the Lord knows you have tried, and prayed and cried many tears.

That little cloud came to me today and made the skies gray and dreary. Why? I have no idea. Maybe if I hired someone to therapize me I could find out. It could be that I didn't get much sleep last night, and I feel physically yucky today. It could be that the kids are home and they woke up running, playing, and loud, which I was not in the mood for this morning. It could just be that there is no reasonable explanation but that silly little cloud over my brain that makes me feel trapped inside myself for the day.

The depression is possibly something God has given me to keep me humble. I have thought about this for so long because I have prayed for God to take it away and He has not. Being depressed affects every aspect of a person's life, and I am thankful for the fact that this depression is not constantly on my doorstep, but when it does come, it hurts. It makes me crazy, or lazy, or both. I don't want to be around people, even my kids, sadly. It's almost like being in a bubble. Everything is going on around you but you're inside your own head trying to get out.

It may sound horrible, but when you live with it, you have to learn how to deal with it. I have learned how to wait for it to pass, because it always does. I have learned that it does not define who I am, but masks who I truly am. I am still learning to talk about things. It is so funny how someone who loves words as much as I do would have so much trouble talking. I am learning that God has a reason for everything in my life, including the clouds. I am learning to trust Him more, and lean on people less, although He has blessed me with some truly amazing people in my life.

I am not sure why I am blogging about my battle. Possibly, I am hoping it will help to talk about it. Or that others might understand me a little better. I am like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. I don't exactly like being Eeyore. I often hate it. But I don't know how to be any different-yet. I get jealous of people that seem to be so cheery all the time. People that seem to find the silver lining everywhere they go, in every cloud they see, if perchance they even see one amidst the sunshine and rainbows.

Lately, I am just battling. Getting up and doing basic things that need to be done every day. Waiting for it to pass. Praying for God to take it away.

I am okay. I have dealt with this for a long time and it is just life for me and for my family. And like I said, you have to learn how to deal with it.

So we are dealing and it's okay, and God is good, and the sun still comes up every day and the seasons change and the world spins and life goes on. :) That's what keeps me going. Knowing God is in control, and being surrounded by so many wonderful people-especially my husband and children helps...just a little.

So now, I'm going to go to bed and we'll see what a new day holds for me and the kids. Tomorrow is always another chance at the day.

Hmmmm...

I have been feeling a blog coming on but just can't seem to get it done. Maybe sometime today-or this week, or this month, or this year-I will get one written. Ah, life. It's a beautiful thing. As much as I LOVE to write all about mine I just can't seem to get it done these days. But, you know, there are times when I wonder why I blog.

No seriously. I am not feeling sorry for myself, I just think maybe I don't need it like I used to. Blogging used to help me figure things out. But that has changed. It's more for the fun of it now, or to share something pressing on my heart. I don't rely on it for therapy.LOL

So why am I doing it? I am going to have to think this over.

Someone made a comment last night that they noticed I hadn't blogged in a while. This is what got me thinking. If you are a blogger, why do you blog. Let me know. I am suddenly extremely curious.

Now I must go do some living so I may have something to blog about in the future.(chuckle)

This is What I am

I was in my car running errands this morning and the overwhelming feelings of some emotion came over me, as I cried and drove and talked to myself.

I realized it wasn't the kidney stone that has interrupted the life of my family, or the death of my hard drive, or the broken washing machine, or my uncloggable toilet, or the mice we had been catching/not catching on a daily basis, or my heater not starting one morning this week, or my child still failing most of his subjects, or my unkempt house that gets clean and incredibly becomes unkempt in a matter of hours, or the mind in my head that forgets everything, or the inner struggle I am facing privately, or the constant fighting that my children are involved in...

...no, in a breath, a moment of thought, as I gripped the steering wheel and focused my eyes out the front window of my van, I realized, I am just sad.

I mulled this over verbally as I drove away from the shipping center where my broken hard drive now sat waiting to be returned.

I had been trying so hard not to be angry. I had been constantly reprimanding myself for being upset over all these situations that continued to arise, week after week, day after day. I mean how bad could I have it-not bad at all compared to so many others who have lost so much.

Yet that feeling has been lingering and has in no way been affected by my urging it to fly away and leave me be! Until today.

I burst into tears and headed to the grocery store. "Is it a sin to be sad," I thought."Is this what grieving feels like?" Is it okay to be this sad, to let yourself feel something that you can't ignore. Loss, hurt, sadness, I can't tell myself not to feel. I have tried that. It doesn't work.

It isn't that I am not thankful, because I am. It isn't that I have no hope, because I do. I am just sad.

I went to the grocery store and did my shopping, and then I came home to eat and blog. I had planned on sharing my experience, and saying that I just want to be sad, knowing it would pass, knowing that it will be okay, realizing that it's okay to be sad and I can let myself feel. It's not a sin, just because people have it worse than me, to feel true human emotional feelings. It's okay to cry because life is hitting me hard right now.

I have no great revelation to share that I am cured of my sadness, or that I feel better already, or that I am going to go save the world now. No. But if there is anything that I can tell you, it's this: No matter what anyone may think about your particular situation, you have to let yourself feel sad when you are sad. If you don't, you're going to get angry, and every little thing is going to get very, very big. Grieve, cry, stay in your jammies once in a while, whatch movies all night, whatever it is you do when your sad-do it. Let it out, and then move on.

Putting on a happy face doesn't solve the problem-believe me. You might find yourself depressed, sitting in a fed-ex parking lot, holding back the tears just so you can muster up enough poise to walk in, drop off a package and walk out, only to get back in your car and explode in tears. Of, course, when you finally let it all out, you will feel better. I promise.

Don't judge me. Don't judge people in general. We all have feelings. We all make mistakes. We all hurt. We all cry. We all get mad. We all need.

And today, I am just sad. And God is sitting right here beside me while I am sad, letting me be sad and reminding me it will be okay in the end. He isn't telling me to get over it or to smile and be happy because I am a Christian. He just loves me. And He loves you too! That just made me smile to write that. He's so good. I want to be like that! I think that's why I am sad, and why I am going through this storm. And I am okay! I am at peace and I hope that you can find the same!

Two Little Boys

Two little boys, lyin in bed.
Starin at the ceiling, one of em says,

"You be the ssssss, I'll be the pop!"
Imaginary 'crackers zoom to the top

Of the hotel room, in the middle of the night,
little did they know, to mommy's delight.

I could almost see the reds and the blues
light up their faces in soft mingled hues.

Two little boys lyin in bed.
staring at the ceilin, doin' what he said.

One makin' "ssssss" sounds, the other little "pops"
Imaginary 'crackers zoomin' to the top!

What Was I Thinking?

I have felt led to blog for so long but the words just aren't coming. I am a thinker and it's often a curse that leads me to have many discussions with myself, and blogging is the alternative to that. So much has been going through my mind lately.

I am learning so much from the Lord that I wouldn't even know where to start. Sometimes, He shows something when I least expect it and I am in awe. Someone trying to encourage me when they knew I was struggling with anger and child-rearing reminded me to "think on these things."

What things? The pure, honest, just, good, lovely things in life. Christ tells us to do this in Philippians. I have read that verse a million times I am sure, but it just dawned on me in that moment as I read the note someone sent me, that I have to THINK. Dwell on, meditate on, think on the pure, honest, just, good, lovely things in life.

I havn't been doing that. I have been dwelling on how awful my children are, and how bad a mother I am, and how I yell too much, and how I lose my temper, and how my kids get in trouble alot, and I am so hard on them, and how I need to spend more time with them, and how much they fight and how mean they can be to one another, and how selfish I can be and how I wish I could snap my fingers and change everything-and the list goes on.

I know, how have I not shot myself yet? I don't know, but I sure am angry. I am just plain angry. Angry at myself, my kids, the world. It's not a fun place to be, and I know that I don't want to be there. The trouble is I haven't been thinking about the good things, and I am sure that if I actually gave it some good hearty thought-being the thinker that I am-I could come up with many more good, pure, lovely things to put into my head!!

That's it. That's what I am going to do. Lovely things. Pure things. Good things. Honest things. Just things. Think about them.

And I can share them with you too when I think of them. It may take another blog to do that- maybe many blogs!

My first thing is memories. They always make me smile. I have a journal full of silly anecdotes involving my children as they were growing up, and once in a while I will pull that treasure off my headboard in my bedroom and share some stories with my children. Once in a while they will beg me to read the stories again and I can't resist no matter how hard I try. They will bring them up sometimes just out of the blue and say, "Remember mom?". I can't help but smile about it and neither can my children!!

I would like to share one of those stories with you. I was driving somewhere when Zachary was three and Austin was one. Isaac was at school, I believe. My little Zachy kept saying something over and over. I couldn't hear him too well, but he did not relent. I listened closely and finally figured out that he was trying to tell me that there's a "Sot in my hoe, der's a sot in my hoe." Of course, I had absolutely NO idea what the boy was talking about but he would not let it rest, and repeated the phrase over and over again. I couldn't resist his sincerity and perserverance as he continued to try and make his momma understand him. I fixed my rear-view mirror on where he was sitting and took a peek back at him. I can still see his serious expression as he held his leg up for me. I noticed in a moment, his white, little big toe sticking out of his bright red sock. It took me a second or two, but I got it and replied to him. "Ooohhhh, there's a hole in your sock." He then, gave me a great big smile, put his leg down and turned his attention to the moving scenery out the window.

That is one of my favorites, and there are several more.

It's been a while since I wrote in that book. Maybe that is my problem!

"Finally brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, THINK on THESE things." Philippians 4:8

Wordless Wednesday??

Ode To Winter

The Simple Things in Life

This is a goodwill purchase that I almost didn't get, but after much deliberation decided the possibility of keeping four children busy for hours on end outweighed the nagging sense that I shouldn't spend the five dollars on the box of cheap plastic and marbles.

Let's just say the five dollars has been repaid ten times over already!

My suspicion that boys love this stuff paid off, and they are still, at 10pm, playing with it-in between bowling sessions with Grammy on the wii.

Ain't life grand...sometimes?

Austin spent so much time sending those marbles(probably twenty-something all together including ones we already had)down the tubes and around the cyclones. I was able to get some great shots of his concentration.

I have always loved his little pudgy fingers-even though he is now eight.

Zach took some turns sending the marbles down. The boys would race their marbles, or send a bunch of them down-sometimes so many that they would get congested and stop moving.

The cyclone-like the ones at wal-mart you can drop your coins into.

I see a budding engineer in my eleven year old. I can honestly give him something with the instructions to put it together and walk away, worry free. He always figures it out. I got him a Rubik's ball for Christmas thinking it would keep him busy for the whole trip to Connecticut. He had it figured out in an hour.

I love my kids and I am praying that this year is a new beginning for us. I want to learn how to be selfless and I know it isn't going to be easy.

Lord help me keep it simple!