Something in me just cannot do it! I want to, deep inside somewhere unfindable, but I can't.
I continue to change-daily, yet stay the same. What I want to do I just cannot. I look at otheres who have and do accomplish what I seem to be unable to do, and I wonder why. It's God right-that's got to be it, huh? But I know Him too, and I ask Him continuosly to make things better and to make me what I should be.
I just can't.
Maybe I just don't want to because it's easier to just let it go. But I will have innumerable regrets if I do that-do I even care. I thought I did, but I am not so sure anymore. I could never ever walk away from my family-I truly do love them, but I am not what I should be for them. And I cannot be. Maybe I will never be.
I know it seems like a bad attitude-maybe it is. I get so sick of reading these blogs, or books, or articles or whatever it may be, where the person is doing what I cannot. I think it may be jealousy. Maybe that's it. But they work hard for what they have I am sure, and if I want what they have, I have to work hard too.
But I can't.
Or maybe I just don't want to. Is anybody out there here in this place with me. Lately it seems like I am the only one and it is a very lonely place!!
If you are please tell me. If you aren't and you want to give me advice-please don't! At least not yet. I cannot handle it right now!
And of course, there is probably nobody out there because I have lost touch with the net world.
What else is there to say? I can't go anywhere else but up from here I suppose!
Finding Joy in My Investments
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
News
I just wanted to let you all know I may not be blogging anymore for a while. We may be getting rid of the internet. So if you don't see me around-that is the reason. I will miss blogging, and I may be able to blog once in a while at the library or something, but it won't be very often. Just thought you might want to know. See you around.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Longing For Meadows, But Learning to Love the Jungle.
Sitting on the couch, looking through some pages of a birthday book my aunt made with pictures, I have a bittersweet feeling looming over me. As my eyes move over each face, sometimes many faces, different thoughts come to my mind: "I remember when...", "Oh, they look like...", "I wish I could have...", "If only...", etc., etc., etc.
Time is not a friend. I realize that my life has passed me by without the opportunities I wish I could have had, but I know that I am who I am because of that. I can only think, "If only...", for so long, and I have to move on.
Though I cannot have the past, today and tomorrow is laid out in front of me-the path I have yet to walk. I do not want to walk through the jungle of chaos and danger that my parents dragged their children through. I love them, for they did the best they could to get us through that jungle, but we did not leave unscarred by it.
I look at some of the families in my family tree, and I wish my mom and dad could have followed them on their path. Either they walked in lush green meadows, or they chopped their way through their own jungle, clearing a safe path with sweat and love for those who came behind.
I am in the jungle. I chop and chop sometimes, but I get tired and start dragging my own children through the brush. Honestly, I would much rather walk through those meadows, but I don't know how to get there. Maybe we all walk through the jungle, but some of us do a better job at hewing out a clear path for those we love so they can walk in peace as they grow before they reach their own jungle.
Whatever the case, I don't want my kids to come out terribly scarred. They may have a few scrapes here and there, be don't we all? That's life.
Looking at those pictures, I wonder how you did it, or are doing it. I feel like that will never be me. Or maybe I am just reading too far into the happiness that seems to come from you all. We did not have that growing up-that sense of security, belonging, and love that seems to ooze from the lives of some of those in our rather large family. I too realize, though, that others may have been dragged through the jungle just like me, and maybe you know what I mean.
In the end, though I cannot go back and have something I missed, I want to move forward and give that to MY family. I want my kids to feel a part of this great big wonderful thing called the Rehfeldts, and also the smaller branch off of that tree, the Molanders.
Sometimes, no matter how hard I try to shut out the past, to let go of the hurts and to move on to the life I want for my own family, my heart finds some reason not to. But, the sweet part is being able to hold on to so many wonderful things in my life, in our family, and among friends. My prayer every day, every moment, is that I remember all of those good things from God, and forget the scars. Though scars do not dissappear, they do fade, and some people come to forget they have them, even the ones that are clearly seen. I guess, that only comes when they accept the fact that they are scarred.
So, I am scarred, but I am blessed. I am thankful for the blessings I have been showered with in my life, and I hope you are too! You can't be part of the Rehfeldt family and not feel at least a little blessed, can you?
Time is not a friend. I realize that my life has passed me by without the opportunities I wish I could have had, but I know that I am who I am because of that. I can only think, "If only...", for so long, and I have to move on.
Though I cannot have the past, today and tomorrow is laid out in front of me-the path I have yet to walk. I do not want to walk through the jungle of chaos and danger that my parents dragged their children through. I love them, for they did the best they could to get us through that jungle, but we did not leave unscarred by it.
I look at some of the families in my family tree, and I wish my mom and dad could have followed them on their path. Either they walked in lush green meadows, or they chopped their way through their own jungle, clearing a safe path with sweat and love for those who came behind.
I am in the jungle. I chop and chop sometimes, but I get tired and start dragging my own children through the brush. Honestly, I would much rather walk through those meadows, but I don't know how to get there. Maybe we all walk through the jungle, but some of us do a better job at hewing out a clear path for those we love so they can walk in peace as they grow before they reach their own jungle.
Whatever the case, I don't want my kids to come out terribly scarred. They may have a few scrapes here and there, be don't we all? That's life.
Looking at those pictures, I wonder how you did it, or are doing it. I feel like that will never be me. Or maybe I am just reading too far into the happiness that seems to come from you all. We did not have that growing up-that sense of security, belonging, and love that seems to ooze from the lives of some of those in our rather large family. I too realize, though, that others may have been dragged through the jungle just like me, and maybe you know what I mean.
In the end, though I cannot go back and have something I missed, I want to move forward and give that to MY family. I want my kids to feel a part of this great big wonderful thing called the Rehfeldts, and also the smaller branch off of that tree, the Molanders.
Sometimes, no matter how hard I try to shut out the past, to let go of the hurts and to move on to the life I want for my own family, my heart finds some reason not to. But, the sweet part is being able to hold on to so many wonderful things in my life, in our family, and among friends. My prayer every day, every moment, is that I remember all of those good things from God, and forget the scars. Though scars do not dissappear, they do fade, and some people come to forget they have them, even the ones that are clearly seen. I guess, that only comes when they accept the fact that they are scarred.
So, I am scarred, but I am blessed. I am thankful for the blessings I have been showered with in my life, and I hope you are too! You can't be part of the Rehfeldt family and not feel at least a little blessed, can you?
Thursday, September 6, 2007
It's Almost Here
We start school on Monday and I am not ready. I have had so much on my plate the last two weeks that I have not been able to sit down and gather my ideas for the school year. I already made my lesson plan sheets and wrote down my ideas for the year, but I have not yet been able to purchase the workbooks we need. I hope to get that done today. I have my ideas in my head of how I want things to be, but I just do not feel mentally prepared for the year. I have been mentally preparing for half of the summer, but I am feeling a bit nervous.
The only thing that really worries me is discipline, self-discipline and the discipline of my kids. I have let things go with them, and I know how tough it is going to be to get my kids sitting and listening and working again. I am excited about teaching my two younger to read, and working on my second graders reading. I am excited about the schedule that I have made, and the determination I have to do a better job keeping it this year. I just don't feel confident about how my children will handle things. To me, my children's behavior last year was the biggest obstacle that we faced, and we will face it this year. Teaching them is easy and can be fun, but they do not always cooperate and I am not very good at disciplining them.
My goal this year is to teach my kids to love to learn. At this point, they hate "doing school"! And that is my fault because I was not thrilled about homeschooling last year. That all has to change for the year ahead of us and right now I feel that I am headed in the right direction.
So, as Monday approaches, I have a few days to get my head in the game, and be ready for our first day of school. I'll be ready, because I have to be.
The only thing that really worries me is discipline, self-discipline and the discipline of my kids. I have let things go with them, and I know how tough it is going to be to get my kids sitting and listening and working again. I am excited about teaching my two younger to read, and working on my second graders reading. I am excited about the schedule that I have made, and the determination I have to do a better job keeping it this year. I just don't feel confident about how my children will handle things. To me, my children's behavior last year was the biggest obstacle that we faced, and we will face it this year. Teaching them is easy and can be fun, but they do not always cooperate and I am not very good at disciplining them.
My goal this year is to teach my kids to love to learn. At this point, they hate "doing school"! And that is my fault because I was not thrilled about homeschooling last year. That all has to change for the year ahead of us and right now I feel that I am headed in the right direction.
So, as Monday approaches, I have a few days to get my head in the game, and be ready for our first day of school. I'll be ready, because I have to be.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
What if you believed from the time you were a young child that the world was flat. Everyone knew that the world was flat and it was taught in school, and your parents told you it was so.
Then one day someone comes along and tells you that what you believed all your life is wrong. The world is actually round.
What do you do?
A. Deny it because everyone you know says the world is flat and you believe them.
B. Walk away from what you have been taught all of your life to be the truth, and agree wholeheartedly with him.
C. Find out why he believes that and then draw a conclusion.
If you choose A, well, what do you possibly lose? Not much, you certainly won't lose any friends or family, and what you don't know can't hurt you, right?
If you choose B, you're a fool!
If you choose C, you have an open mind to knowing the truth, but with caution that you could be led astray.
And, if you come to a conclusion that the world is round, well, what will everyone else do?
1. Call you a heretic?
2. Think you are mixed up and have been led astray-that you are a fool?
3. Laugh at you?
4. Condemn you?
5. Consider you certifiable?
6. Ignore you?
7. Debate with you?
8. Try to change your mind?
9. Disown you? or disassociate with you?
10. Etc., etc., etc.
There may be a few who actually listen to what you have to say, and even fewer that will truly believe you.
So, is following the truth an easy road to travel?
Ask those who thought the world was round and lived in a world full of people who absolutely knew that the world was flat.
Ask those who thought the earth revolved around the sun and lived in a world full of people who absolutely knew that the sun revolved around the earth.
I am wandering in a place much like those men of old who thought differently than the world and were persecuted at times. For what? For believing the truth.
I am not yet able to share what I have learned. I want to. I will eventually, but there are some other things that I am facing that I must go through first.
I do know that God is in control-and because of that, I cannot nor will I worry or fear.
By the way, in case you were wondering about the men who thought the world was round. They were right!
Then one day someone comes along and tells you that what you believed all your life is wrong. The world is actually round.
What do you do?
A. Deny it because everyone you know says the world is flat and you believe them.
B. Walk away from what you have been taught all of your life to be the truth, and agree wholeheartedly with him.
C. Find out why he believes that and then draw a conclusion.
If you choose A, well, what do you possibly lose? Not much, you certainly won't lose any friends or family, and what you don't know can't hurt you, right?
If you choose B, you're a fool!
If you choose C, you have an open mind to knowing the truth, but with caution that you could be led astray.
And, if you come to a conclusion that the world is round, well, what will everyone else do?
1. Call you a heretic?
2. Think you are mixed up and have been led astray-that you are a fool?
3. Laugh at you?
4. Condemn you?
5. Consider you certifiable?
6. Ignore you?
7. Debate with you?
8. Try to change your mind?
9. Disown you? or disassociate with you?
10. Etc., etc., etc.
There may be a few who actually listen to what you have to say, and even fewer that will truly believe you.
So, is following the truth an easy road to travel?
Ask those who thought the world was round and lived in a world full of people who absolutely knew that the world was flat.
Ask those who thought the earth revolved around the sun and lived in a world full of people who absolutely knew that the sun revolved around the earth.
I am wandering in a place much like those men of old who thought differently than the world and were persecuted at times. For what? For believing the truth.
I am not yet able to share what I have learned. I want to. I will eventually, but there are some other things that I am facing that I must go through first.
I do know that God is in control-and because of that, I cannot nor will I worry or fear.
By the way, in case you were wondering about the men who thought the world was round. They were right!
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Pictures-just because.
Zach in the pool. He's a fish!
Austin settling in for the trip to the cabin.
Isaac and Mikayla at the train museum near the cabin.
Zach and Austin next to them. They were standing under the big wheels loggers used to transport timber back in the day.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
How Do They Do It?
How does anyone keep up with the times anymore these days? I have enough to do all day around my home with four kids. But add to that my two blogs, and a bible forum that I joined, not to mention trying to keep up with everyone on facebook. There aren't enough hours in the day for all of this nonsense!
Here I sit. Ironic isn't it? The internet has some kind of mesmerizing power that sucks you in, even when you know you have a billion other much more important thigs to attend to, four of which are standing behind you saying, "Why are you always on the computer mom?"
To which I reply, "I am not always on the computer!" Well, I'm not, you know. Just too much for their liking I suppose!
I try to get some things done in the morning before I get on to peruse. And then I check throughout the day to see if I have comments or if someone "wrote on my wall".
I also go to the bible forum quite frequently.
I know that I don't have time for it all. I actually waste time on here most days! So, I have decided to lessen my time here. Not necessarily writing on my blogs because those have been helpful tools in my life. But reading others and messing around on facebook-I just can't do it right now! It's not worth my time really!
So, I am off to help my boys clean their room that has been declared a disaster zone for a month-see ya later.
Here I sit. Ironic isn't it? The internet has some kind of mesmerizing power that sucks you in, even when you know you have a billion other much more important thigs to attend to, four of which are standing behind you saying, "Why are you always on the computer mom?"
To which I reply, "I am not always on the computer!" Well, I'm not, you know. Just too much for their liking I suppose!
I try to get some things done in the morning before I get on to peruse. And then I check throughout the day to see if I have comments or if someone "wrote on my wall".
I also go to the bible forum quite frequently.
I know that I don't have time for it all. I actually waste time on here most days! So, I have decided to lessen my time here. Not necessarily writing on my blogs because those have been helpful tools in my life. But reading others and messing around on facebook-I just can't do it right now! It's not worth my time really!
So, I am off to help my boys clean their room that has been declared a disaster zone for a month-see ya later.
Friday, August 3, 2007
The Story of My Life
We're in the chip aisle at Wal-Mart, all six of us! I hear something behind me, turn around and see a man, average height, rotund, adorned with a mustache, and long, curly hair hanging out from beneath a ball cap. Standing behind our two carts, where my husband and son also stood, he wore an unpleasant expression on his face and my heart sank. It looked as though my husband had said something to him because he too had a look, only more startled than unpleasant. The man pushed passed us and mumbled under his breath, "You need to keep your kids in line."
He kept walking and I stared at him, wondering what we had done that was so terrible and I yelled down the aisle, "Do you even have kids?"
Again he mumbled, avoiding eye contact, "Yeah, and mine know how to behave."
"What, they're perfect? You never had a bad day?"
I was beginning to get angry at this point, and with his back turned to us, while he briskly walked away, he stated smugly, "Just get your free food and get out of here."
Something broke in me. I once again screamed down the aisle, "My husband works very hard for us so we can have what we need!"
He turned the corner and was gone.
I do not know what happened in the next few moments, except that I was a bit shaken and I did not want to shop anymore. Next thing I know my husband had left me alone with the three boys in the chip aisle, and I stood there for a long time with them as my mind whirled. I was mad that he left me because of how I felt, but as I began to venture around the corner I ran in to my husband who again looked a little off.
"I was getting myself in touble."
"What?" I asked.
"I went and asked him what it was we did to upset him."
My husband proceeded to tell me that he asked them to move four times until he finally said "Get the f- out of my way!"
Apparently neither my husband or my son heard him and my daughter who was sitting in one cart was holding on to the other cart so my son was having trouble pushing past them.
I was mad. All those feelings seem to come back when things like this happen. The last time I went to Wally world, my kids were perfect-seriously. Tonight they were a bit roudy, and fidgety, but certainly not horrible. I was hurt. All the guilt flooded my heart once again. I don't do this right. I make so many mistakes. My kids CAN be horrible sometimes.
I wanted out of the store, but knew that we needed to get some groceries. When we decided to go to the store together tonight, I had only planned on spending about $80 but ended up spending $130. I didn't keep track: I just felt like a zombie.
I think I am over it now. I console myself with the thought that a man who treats others the way we were treated could not have had perfect kids! What do you think?
He kept walking and I stared at him, wondering what we had done that was so terrible and I yelled down the aisle, "Do you even have kids?"
Again he mumbled, avoiding eye contact, "Yeah, and mine know how to behave."
"What, they're perfect? You never had a bad day?"
I was beginning to get angry at this point, and with his back turned to us, while he briskly walked away, he stated smugly, "Just get your free food and get out of here."
Something broke in me. I once again screamed down the aisle, "My husband works very hard for us so we can have what we need!"
He turned the corner and was gone.
I do not know what happened in the next few moments, except that I was a bit shaken and I did not want to shop anymore. Next thing I know my husband had left me alone with the three boys in the chip aisle, and I stood there for a long time with them as my mind whirled. I was mad that he left me because of how I felt, but as I began to venture around the corner I ran in to my husband who again looked a little off.
"I was getting myself in touble."
"What?" I asked.
"I went and asked him what it was we did to upset him."
My husband proceeded to tell me that he asked them to move four times until he finally said "Get the f- out of my way!"
Apparently neither my husband or my son heard him and my daughter who was sitting in one cart was holding on to the other cart so my son was having trouble pushing past them.
I was mad. All those feelings seem to come back when things like this happen. The last time I went to Wally world, my kids were perfect-seriously. Tonight they were a bit roudy, and fidgety, but certainly not horrible. I was hurt. All the guilt flooded my heart once again. I don't do this right. I make so many mistakes. My kids CAN be horrible sometimes.
I wanted out of the store, but knew that we needed to get some groceries. When we decided to go to the store together tonight, I had only planned on spending about $80 but ended up spending $130. I didn't keep track: I just felt like a zombie.
I think I am over it now. I console myself with the thought that a man who treats others the way we were treated could not have had perfect kids! What do you think?
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
I Just Want to Be Normal!
I am certifiable! most people think I am being silly when I say that, but I am definitely on the very edge of normal.
I cannot do two things at once. Now maybe one might say that isn't all that abnormal, but it has wreaked havoc in my life. I never have two things going right all at the same time. I am working on a project right now-my son'e bedroom. Ripping up carpet, spackling, painting, and then after we are done in there-the other kids rooms are next. It's alot of work! But while I am doing this-nothing else is right. The kids are crazy, the house is in upheavel, and I am wound very tight!!
How do people do it? I know that many people do it. I am still trying to step back and look at myself for who I am and what I do.
But right now-I have some spackling to do.
I cannot do two things at once. Now maybe one might say that isn't all that abnormal, but it has wreaked havoc in my life. I never have two things going right all at the same time. I am working on a project right now-my son'e bedroom. Ripping up carpet, spackling, painting, and then after we are done in there-the other kids rooms are next. It's alot of work! But while I am doing this-nothing else is right. The kids are crazy, the house is in upheavel, and I am wound very tight!!
How do people do it? I know that many people do it. I am still trying to step back and look at myself for who I am and what I do.
But right now-I have some spackling to do.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Finally-Pics of our trip!
Well, it's about time, isn't it?? These are pics from our trip to the lake, well a few. I took like 150 pictures. The more you take, the more good ones you get. And here they are
The boys creations in the sand. They had roads and bridges and rivers-it was cool!
And the girls creation? Bracelets with grandma!
A thunderstorm-the sky looked so awesome !
Not the greatest picture, but it was dark on our bonfire night.
Some artsy fartsy walk in the woods. The walk in the woods was beautiful, but the art-well, let's just say some people have way too much time on their hands!
This wasn't too bad-something native American.
The Cabin, and my beautiful self! (I am now gagging).
The lake-now that's beautiful!!!!
Some of the kids with grandma-she looks rather tired!!
The water was nice and all the kids loved it. This is my four plus their two cousins.
This is my hubby. Um, I guess he's sleeping and trying to blow up the tube at the same time??
Aww, aren't they cute. OB1, my oldest is missing from this one.
Men and fire!
Princess and cuz hang out with dad and uncle on the dock.
I have a million more, but I'll spare you all!! I hope you enjoyed the pictures!!
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Tid Bits
This is the drivel part of my blog. My head has been spinning for a long time now-ever since I have been medicated I cannot seem to gather my thoughts! There have been ideas that have come and gone over and over since the beginning of this year. I have wanted to write about all of them, and have written about none of them. The thoughts seem to escape me the moment I sit face to face with the screen. It's like the flourescent white bewitches me, and I am drawn into it's nothingness.
Hence, today, I sat at my trusty keyboard to clack out some of those swirling thoughts in detail and alas, I have nothing. But I am going to try to form some of those thoughts into short questions and comments that may lead to something else, if nothing more than to find out a little bit more about me.
Who is God? No, seriously, how many people REALLY know who God is?
I don't like people. I just don't like them. I don't hate them, but I would rather be left alone many days. I love people, and I want to be there for people, but I often find myself wanting out of the crowd-like at church. I like to get to know people one on one, and I usually end up trying to dig deep to find out more about them, because that's what I like to do with people. I am not really interested in what their kitchen looks like or all the cute shoes they have, but I want what's inside-then all the rest falls into place. But, many, and I mean many people do not let you dig deep, at least not until you've known them long enough that they finally break, and I think I am so impatient that I end up avoiding people because of it. Some people don't open up at all-it drives me crazy-this is the selfish part of me. I would rather get past all of the formalities of getting to know people and just get straight to the point-who are you? I guess because I always make a fool of myself in front of others during the formalities of getting to know people, which then causes me to avoid them later on because I am a fool. Oh, I might as well just be honest here-I hate getting to know people. I love having great friends-and I do. But I have issues about getting to know people and I spend months nerve-wracked over this or that while in the process of deepening relationships. Sometimes I hate being an introvert, but often I relish it.
I wish I could see myself through other people's eyes. Who am I to other's? Is it the real me they see or something else? Are people honest with me about my flaws or do they sugar coat?
I am obsessive. Not necessarily in my actions, but in my feelings. I overreact to things internally. I stew. I keep it all inside me and somewhere along the line, I think it just dissolves. At least that is what I think, but I am beginning to think these things creep back to bite me when I am least expecting them.
That's all I've got for now. I am just so tired. I stay up too late and get up too late. I have to change my habits and I don't want to. But I have to.
Maybe I can try to write some more tidbits later.
Bye for now.
Hence, today, I sat at my trusty keyboard to clack out some of those swirling thoughts in detail and alas, I have nothing. But I am going to try to form some of those thoughts into short questions and comments that may lead to something else, if nothing more than to find out a little bit more about me.
Who is God? No, seriously, how many people REALLY know who God is?
I don't like people. I just don't like them. I don't hate them, but I would rather be left alone many days. I love people, and I want to be there for people, but I often find myself wanting out of the crowd-like at church. I like to get to know people one on one, and I usually end up trying to dig deep to find out more about them, because that's what I like to do with people. I am not really interested in what their kitchen looks like or all the cute shoes they have, but I want what's inside-then all the rest falls into place. But, many, and I mean many people do not let you dig deep, at least not until you've known them long enough that they finally break, and I think I am so impatient that I end up avoiding people because of it. Some people don't open up at all-it drives me crazy-this is the selfish part of me. I would rather get past all of the formalities of getting to know people and just get straight to the point-who are you? I guess because I always make a fool of myself in front of others during the formalities of getting to know people, which then causes me to avoid them later on because I am a fool. Oh, I might as well just be honest here-I hate getting to know people. I love having great friends-and I do. But I have issues about getting to know people and I spend months nerve-wracked over this or that while in the process of deepening relationships. Sometimes I hate being an introvert, but often I relish it.
I wish I could see myself through other people's eyes. Who am I to other's? Is it the real me they see or something else? Are people honest with me about my flaws or do they sugar coat?
I am obsessive. Not necessarily in my actions, but in my feelings. I overreact to things internally. I stew. I keep it all inside me and somewhere along the line, I think it just dissolves. At least that is what I think, but I am beginning to think these things creep back to bite me when I am least expecting them.
That's all I've got for now. I am just so tired. I stay up too late and get up too late. I have to change my habits and I don't want to. But I have to.
Maybe I can try to write some more tidbits later.
Bye for now.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Just More Life
I have not felt the way that I feel right now in a very long time. I am angry, impatient, frustrated and tired. I am tired of so much. I am not supposed to feel this way right? Life is so easy for me right?
No, I'll tell you that being a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom is very hard for me. I always knew that I wanted to stay home with my children, but I was not prepared for the idea of homeschooling.
So why do I homeschool?? Because I feel it's what is best for my kids at this point in time, and that may change. For now, I am the only teacher in there lives-well, besides church teachers, and I do not want to be. I am overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed by small things in life, so the big homeschooling monster is like my worst nightmare.
I am not afraid to homeschool though, I just don't want to. I am not in favor of public education, and private education is too expensive for us right now, so the only other way to go is homeschooling. I am so lazy-it's my biggest downfall. My laziness affects avery aspect of raising my kids, and the days that I fight it and try so hard to be a good mother and teacher, I am so worn and tired at the end of a day, or week.
I feel like my kids deserve better than I can offer them, not because I can't teach, but because I am not motivated to do it to the best of my ability. So, they suffer for it.
I honestly feel like one of the worst moms at times, even though once in a while, I see a glimmer of hope for us. I don't want to mess my kids up, but I feel like it's just inevitable!
To top it all off, I have been so uptight about EVERYTHING lately, and I think I am driving my children absolutely crazy. I think they are beginning to hate me for being so nit picky about stuff, and not praising them enough. I have to stop being like this I know.
And so it goes. And so it goes.
No, I'll tell you that being a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom is very hard for me. I always knew that I wanted to stay home with my children, but I was not prepared for the idea of homeschooling.
So why do I homeschool?? Because I feel it's what is best for my kids at this point in time, and that may change. For now, I am the only teacher in there lives-well, besides church teachers, and I do not want to be. I am overwhelmed. I get overwhelmed by small things in life, so the big homeschooling monster is like my worst nightmare.
I am not afraid to homeschool though, I just don't want to. I am not in favor of public education, and private education is too expensive for us right now, so the only other way to go is homeschooling. I am so lazy-it's my biggest downfall. My laziness affects avery aspect of raising my kids, and the days that I fight it and try so hard to be a good mother and teacher, I am so worn and tired at the end of a day, or week.
I feel like my kids deserve better than I can offer them, not because I can't teach, but because I am not motivated to do it to the best of my ability. So, they suffer for it.
I honestly feel like one of the worst moms at times, even though once in a while, I see a glimmer of hope for us. I don't want to mess my kids up, but I feel like it's just inevitable!
To top it all off, I have been so uptight about EVERYTHING lately, and I think I am driving my children absolutely crazy. I think they are beginning to hate me for being so nit picky about stuff, and not praising them enough. I have to stop being like this I know.
And so it goes. And so it goes.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
What's At The Bottom of My Barrel?
I am a "Christian". I know how I am supposed to act and feel, right? But sometimes life just stinks. See, I was going to write sucks, but I don't use that word. (Oh brother) No, I really don't, and I don't like the sound of it either. But sometimes, life just sucks! There, I said it!
Okay, so what is bothering me. I don't know. I am strung out right now. I should be cleaning, and planning dinner for tonight, but here I sit, trying to put my very intangible feelings to the page.
I am a mother. But I am a terrible one. Sometimes I am an excellent mom, but most of the time, I just suck. Oh, there, I said it again. I think my kids are really going to have issues with me when they grow up.
I have issues with my parents. In a way, it's almost like I don't have parents at the moment. I do not make much of an effort with them and they don't with me either. And I don't really care. Or do I?
See, issues. My house is a mess. I deny that I am a mess. I refuse to be a mess. But my house is.
My kids-some days they are a mess. Others they are wonderful. Today-we are a mess. Issues.
These intangable feelings of mine are all over the place!
Deep down inside of me, I do not want to admit that I just need to talk to God. I do not want to get spiritual in my posts-because it could be taken so wrong. I fear hypocrisy and plasticity, yet I know the truth. The truth is that I am searching.
Religion means absolutely nothing to me. Knowing God and His son Jesus means everything. But I am caught in the middle between two worlds and I don't know how to find the right path. Finding that path may finally bring some stability to my home, because it will bring stability to my mind. But it may also bring contention, rejection, and other things that come along with disagreements.
The truth is that is the bottom of the barrel. After I dig all these other feelings of inadequacy and frustration with my family and my life out of the pot, that's what's left. My feelings towards God and the Bible and what it means to me in my life. I don't want to talk to God right now. I am angry. Yet I know I need to. I want direction, peace, solace, understanding, wisdom-and this can only come from one source. The source that I am the most confused about at the moment.
I mean who understands-truly knows, the heart of God, and His Son Jesus. I have often said that I WANT to know Him, but is my heart where my lips are? How do I teach my children about the things of God, when I myself struggle with understanding. That is where much of my guilt comes into play. My children knowing what a true relationship with God and His Son means. Maybe it isn't something I can give them, but if I don't have it myself, I certainly cannot teach them about it either.
I cringe at the thought of telling God that I love Him. I can't. How can I love God with my meager, unworthy life. My mistakes, failures, stupidity, actions, they just do not measure up. I try to teach my kids to love Him, but do I? With all my heart soul and mind as His word commands?
I often feel like just walking away, but I could never do that. I can't walk away from a person who would give His life to save my own. I owe Him my life. I am not doing a very good job of giving it to Him.
I am not doing a very good job of surrendering all. I am not doing a very good job of suffering, or sacrificing.
I am guilty, not free. I want to be free, but also giving of myself freely. Right now I feel guilty because I don't want to give myself freely all the time. I am not firmly committed. I am not even sure I want to be. I am not even sure what it means to be firmly committed.
By the Church's standards, if you give your tithe, go to church when the doors are open, go to visitation once in a while, bring others to church on special Sunday's, sing in the choir, fulfill your nursery duty, and teach some class, then you must be spiritual. This of course is not a spoken or written proclomation by any means, yet I truly believe it is understood that often, the more you do, the more spiritual you are considered to be.
How silly, right? I think so. Yet if I stopped going to church, and doing all that I do there, I would probably make the pray list to come back to God. When I never left Him in the first place.
I guess this is all at the heart of my misery. I love my family, but I think until I get this confusing mush straightened out in my head, I am going to struggle with so much!
Where do I go from here? I am still going to search. I suppose I need to start praying about it. I was before, but I got away from it. I began to pray that God would show me the truth, and I got smacked in the face by something so big, that I began to read and study and left off with my prayers for truth. I need to get back to it!
I will continue to believe that the God that made me is good and loving and will see me through all of this. I don't have to believe it-I DO believe it! My hope in Him, is the only thing that keeps me going! As my illusions crumble around me He is still there-still the Rock that is higher than I.
Okay, so what is bothering me. I don't know. I am strung out right now. I should be cleaning, and planning dinner for tonight, but here I sit, trying to put my very intangible feelings to the page.
I am a mother. But I am a terrible one. Sometimes I am an excellent mom, but most of the time, I just suck. Oh, there, I said it again. I think my kids are really going to have issues with me when they grow up.
I have issues with my parents. In a way, it's almost like I don't have parents at the moment. I do not make much of an effort with them and they don't with me either. And I don't really care. Or do I?
See, issues. My house is a mess. I deny that I am a mess. I refuse to be a mess. But my house is.
My kids-some days they are a mess. Others they are wonderful. Today-we are a mess. Issues.
These intangable feelings of mine are all over the place!
Deep down inside of me, I do not want to admit that I just need to talk to God. I do not want to get spiritual in my posts-because it could be taken so wrong. I fear hypocrisy and plasticity, yet I know the truth. The truth is that I am searching.
Religion means absolutely nothing to me. Knowing God and His son Jesus means everything. But I am caught in the middle between two worlds and I don't know how to find the right path. Finding that path may finally bring some stability to my home, because it will bring stability to my mind. But it may also bring contention, rejection, and other things that come along with disagreements.
The truth is that is the bottom of the barrel. After I dig all these other feelings of inadequacy and frustration with my family and my life out of the pot, that's what's left. My feelings towards God and the Bible and what it means to me in my life. I don't want to talk to God right now. I am angry. Yet I know I need to. I want direction, peace, solace, understanding, wisdom-and this can only come from one source. The source that I am the most confused about at the moment.
I mean who understands-truly knows, the heart of God, and His Son Jesus. I have often said that I WANT to know Him, but is my heart where my lips are? How do I teach my children about the things of God, when I myself struggle with understanding. That is where much of my guilt comes into play. My children knowing what a true relationship with God and His Son means. Maybe it isn't something I can give them, but if I don't have it myself, I certainly cannot teach them about it either.
I cringe at the thought of telling God that I love Him. I can't. How can I love God with my meager, unworthy life. My mistakes, failures, stupidity, actions, they just do not measure up. I try to teach my kids to love Him, but do I? With all my heart soul and mind as His word commands?
I often feel like just walking away, but I could never do that. I can't walk away from a person who would give His life to save my own. I owe Him my life. I am not doing a very good job of giving it to Him.
I am not doing a very good job of surrendering all. I am not doing a very good job of suffering, or sacrificing.
I am guilty, not free. I want to be free, but also giving of myself freely. Right now I feel guilty because I don't want to give myself freely all the time. I am not firmly committed. I am not even sure I want to be. I am not even sure what it means to be firmly committed.
By the Church's standards, if you give your tithe, go to church when the doors are open, go to visitation once in a while, bring others to church on special Sunday's, sing in the choir, fulfill your nursery duty, and teach some class, then you must be spiritual. This of course is not a spoken or written proclomation by any means, yet I truly believe it is understood that often, the more you do, the more spiritual you are considered to be.
How silly, right? I think so. Yet if I stopped going to church, and doing all that I do there, I would probably make the pray list to come back to God. When I never left Him in the first place.
I guess this is all at the heart of my misery. I love my family, but I think until I get this confusing mush straightened out in my head, I am going to struggle with so much!
Where do I go from here? I am still going to search. I suppose I need to start praying about it. I was before, but I got away from it. I began to pray that God would show me the truth, and I got smacked in the face by something so big, that I began to read and study and left off with my prayers for truth. I need to get back to it!
I will continue to believe that the God that made me is good and loving and will see me through all of this. I don't have to believe it-I DO believe it! My hope in Him, is the only thing that keeps me going! As my illusions crumble around me He is still there-still the Rock that is higher than I.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
Religious Mumbo Jumbo
I am leaving religion.
I am walking away from the law.
I am living in the liberty of God's grace.
The truth really does set you free.
When you try to live the way everyone else thinks a Christian should live, it's religion.
When you try to live the Bible in your life, that's Truth.
Question is, how many "Christians" KNOW what the Bible says, and actually care?
Good question.
I have come to believe that many people just have religion. That is not what I want-never has been, but I have met so many people in my life that have that smile. The one that say "I am a Christian outside, but if you only knew!" That smile.
I don't want to be cynical-everyone is not like that. I have known alot of good people in my life too. But some of those good people were caught up in religion, and maybe they felt they were doing the right thing.
I really do not have to live by anyone's rule but God's. No, I am not a rebel, but I do believe there are alot of traditions and so-called "rules" that are placed on people by religious leaders that have nothing to do with anything that matters-that really matters. And most of the time, when people's hearts are in the right place, they start to see were they need work anyways because of the Holy Spirit. And we are not the Holy Spirit!
You can have your religion. I don't want it. I just want to live the way I should live in this life, to the best of my ability, and to the fullest. God directs my steps, so I think I'll be okay!
I am walking away from the law.
I am living in the liberty of God's grace.
The truth really does set you free.
When you try to live the way everyone else thinks a Christian should live, it's religion.
When you try to live the Bible in your life, that's Truth.
Question is, how many "Christians" KNOW what the Bible says, and actually care?
Good question.
I have come to believe that many people just have religion. That is not what I want-never has been, but I have met so many people in my life that have that smile. The one that say "I am a Christian outside, but if you only knew!" That smile.
I don't want to be cynical-everyone is not like that. I have known alot of good people in my life too. But some of those good people were caught up in religion, and maybe they felt they were doing the right thing.
I really do not have to live by anyone's rule but God's. No, I am not a rebel, but I do believe there are alot of traditions and so-called "rules" that are placed on people by religious leaders that have nothing to do with anything that matters-that really matters. And most of the time, when people's hearts are in the right place, they start to see were they need work anyways because of the Holy Spirit. And we are not the Holy Spirit!
You can have your religion. I don't want it. I just want to live the way I should live in this life, to the best of my ability, and to the fullest. God directs my steps, so I think I'll be okay!
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
A Sitting Duck
Do you ever wonder why you have it so good while others have it so bad? I watch alot of movies that are based on the lives of real people who go through some pretty terrible circumstances that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I look at my life of relative ease and cringe at times, not that I want to have my share of trials-and maybe that day will come. I don't believe people ask to go through the worst times of their lives, but I sometimes ask God why. Why not me?
Sounds awful, yes, but there is a twinge of guilt buried somewhere in me. Just a twinge. Why not me? I haven't had to face even a tenth of what many people go through the first twenty years of their lives, and I am 32. No, of course I don't WANT to have it rough. Who in their right mind does? So many do though, just not me-at least not yet.
The troubles that we face mold us. These are the elements that refine us-trials. I have had few, so often I wonder when I am going to be refined. I am not afraid of facing something horrible, but I don't sit around waiting for it to fall on me either.
Just thinking, that's all. Why them, not me? Why?
Sounds awful, yes, but there is a twinge of guilt buried somewhere in me. Just a twinge. Why not me? I haven't had to face even a tenth of what many people go through the first twenty years of their lives, and I am 32. No, of course I don't WANT to have it rough. Who in their right mind does? So many do though, just not me-at least not yet.
The troubles that we face mold us. These are the elements that refine us-trials. I have had few, so often I wonder when I am going to be refined. I am not afraid of facing something horrible, but I don't sit around waiting for it to fall on me either.
Just thinking, that's all. Why them, not me? Why?
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
On Politics
I hate politics, and they're all liars! Even the ones I think I agree with lie. Am I a dem or a rep or an ind-WHO CARES. No, seriously! I do care.
I care about people. I care about our freedom. But I have to admit, I have become extremely weary of the political world around us. Sadly, I realize that the government is supposed to be decided by "WE THE PEOPLE", yet I have no desire to involve myself in the mire. The people who live in this wonderful country either care too much to our demise, or they don't care at all. The moderates are considered sissies, and then you've got the left and right wingers who stand for "something" when they run for office, and change almost nothing once they become elected. (Or they BECOME moderates) I am not sure if that's good or bad, for if they change nothing, nothing changes. Life goes on. But things that I may believe need change, well, most of the time, they do not get changed anyways.
I sound like a pessimist, but I really am not. I like to think of myself as a realist with a love for idealism now and then. The truth is, we aren't really in control here. I am not worried in the least about who our next president will be, or which direction the country is headed, because I know Who runs the show, ultimately.
So, let what is, be. Someday, we will all see why the world is what it is. Someday.
I care about people. I care about our freedom. But I have to admit, I have become extremely weary of the political world around us. Sadly, I realize that the government is supposed to be decided by "WE THE PEOPLE", yet I have no desire to involve myself in the mire. The people who live in this wonderful country either care too much to our demise, or they don't care at all. The moderates are considered sissies, and then you've got the left and right wingers who stand for "something" when they run for office, and change almost nothing once they become elected. (Or they BECOME moderates) I am not sure if that's good or bad, for if they change nothing, nothing changes. Life goes on. But things that I may believe need change, well, most of the time, they do not get changed anyways.
I sound like a pessimist, but I really am not. I like to think of myself as a realist with a love for idealism now and then. The truth is, we aren't really in control here. I am not worried in the least about who our next president will be, or which direction the country is headed, because I know Who runs the show, ultimately.
So, let what is, be. Someday, we will all see why the world is what it is. Someday.
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