To Stay or Not to Stay, That is the Question!

Why does guilt follow me wherever I go?

I ask myself that question often. Some of it is because I have some things TO BE guilty about, like, watching a movie when I SHOULD be working, spending too much money at the grocery store, or "forgetting" to study spelling words with Zach before bed.

But some of it I know is unfounded. I have really been struggling with this question in my life-should I be helping out with the income in our family? I feel guilty for not working a job of some kind, but know in my heart that it would be difficult for me, for all of us. But it plagues me and eats at me. I sometimes ask God what to do, and wait for an answer and feel as though I have not gotten one. Many mothers I know, have jobs, and for different reasons, a big one being finances, but there are other reasons.

In all honesty, I do NOT want to work a job outside the home!!! I cringe at the very thought, for many reasons. I guess that is what I feel most guilty about, not being willing to work, or being afraid to. What would I do? Where would I work and when? Who would I work with??? I know every person has to face these questions-they are a part of life. But, I am almost thirty five and I have not worked in over eleven years. It scares me. So its the fear I am feeling guilty about, not my desire to be a stay at home mom.

I have been trying to let this go and wait on the Lord, because maybe I am just not supposed to have a job right now or for a long time or ever. I do love homeschooling Austin and Mikayla. But sometimes I long for more-and maybe I just need to be content with what's on my plate at the moment. God knows what I can handle.

In the meantime, I have been wanting to be the very best wife, mom, and homemaker I can possibly be. It needs some polishing!! But we're working on it. :-)